Beekissed
Mountain Sage
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a. m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour
and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY : Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the dang barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and
I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY : Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY : I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little turd) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a. m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour
and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY : Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the dang barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and
I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY : Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY : I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little turd) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
