Im on the living room floor waxing my legs right. Well my 10 year old son ask does that hurt. Well being me I say of course not. I only clinch when I rip the strip just because its FUN. So he says well do it to my leg. I say OH no problem sit right here. I spread the wax, lay the strip, count to 10 and RIP. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Runs down the hallway like someone ripped his leg off. So being the sneaky kid he is he tells me 6 year old daughter if you let momma wax your leg I will give you a silly band. She loves silly bands. She says OK. She sits on the living room floor waiting. I spread the wax, lay the strip, count to 10 and RIP. She says thats it? Momma can you do it again? 10 Year old says thats no fair I want my silly band back.
Boys are whimps!!!!!!!!!
- Thread starter elijahboy
- Start date
SKR8PN
Late For Supper
That reminds me of this story..........
This was the advertisement in Larrys Pistol & Pawn Shop window next to the condo we rented last month in Florida:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun
Great Gift for the Wife
So I went in to check it out. I saw something that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 30th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Gisele. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser...
The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; Id get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Gisele what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldnt be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Tabby looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Tabby (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said:
* one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant.
* two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control.
* three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
* Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while Im looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but Ill do my best...
Im sitting there alone, Tabby looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Dont do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldnt hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button--
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!! Im pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again! Do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!!
A minute or so later (I cant be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. Im still looking for my testicles. Im offering a significant reward for their safe return.
(Signed)
Still in shock
