Grandparents raising grandchildren

[Wannabefree]

How do you handle summer break? Are the kids allowed to have friends over? I'm curious because my parents are raising my niece and they don't allow her friends over most of the time because they're consistently "too tired" to do anything she wants to do. I've listened to a 90 minute yelling match between 2 70somethings and a 13 year old over her having a friend over or not. Yeah I know, there's a LOT wrong with this picture, dysfunction junction is running full tilt today...but I'm just curious what other grandparents allow/don't allow as far as other kids coming over. Mevermind the other details that will be for another thread entirely. I can't wait to get my place so she can come stay with me instead...which will be more drama, but then we can lock them out and live peacefully.

 

[tortoise]

90 minutes of fighting with a teen takes A LOT of energy.

I hope you are able to get your place and settle, for one more reason. (((Hugs)))

 

[Mini Horses]

My GrD is 15 & lives with her mom in a trailer on my farm but, not a situation that I have to handle. BUT I did allow her to have friends come visit when she was younger & I did have her at my house while mom at work. These were neighborhood kids & came with parents knowledge so we all knew where they were & surroundings, activities, etc. They were outside for the most part but not an issue for me or them OR their parents & it was a monitored visit. Huge yard & things for them to amuse themselves. Both boys & girls came over & it wasn't everyday. Some days she & I would do things -- garden, feed animals, plant, cook, etc.

Personally, I feel it would be very unfair to tell a child of her age or younger that they could not have friends over. Now it would be set visit times, controlled activity, etc., but, still things to do just not be getting into trouble.

Partly it would depend on how often & how long she was there.

ETA: couple yrs I paid for a 2 week "day camp" for her to attend about 4-5 hrs a day with kids her age. It was 3 or 4 days a wk and I took/picked up. Lots of activities, crafts, games, etc., at a nearby school....County sponsored & coordinated. She enjoyed that.

 

[Wannabefree]

They don't let her do anything lol it's crazy, just like when I was a kid on that...she has no siblings, no children her age at church, and none that live less than 3 miles away....and they keep telling her she's going to work in the house ALL summer and "might" have a visitor once a month and I'm like uhh...so I did NOT get onto her when she started getting irate. She listens to me, because she knows I respect her and she returns that when we are together. Idk how they intend on finishing raising this child. She's 13 and the respect has diminished till its almost nonexistent now....because she is dishing out what she receives, complete disrespect. I just wondered how other grands are/were handling this kind of issue because this is IMO very intolerable, unrealistic, and bordering on abusive(there was a LOt of yelling going down). I just wanted to check myself that I'm not overreacting because of my past with these two individuals. The situation is just completely out of control here. So many crisis so little time *sigh*

 

[NH Homesteader]

sorry. Can she time friend visits for when you are around? You are not overreacting, I don't think.

 

[Wannabefree]

They won't even allow it when I'm around usually. I walked into the laundry room after it died down and asked my mother how she intends to raise this kid and if she is ever going to be allowed to BE A KID, and she relented and let a little girl come stay after some reasonable discussion that got the point across that they're being unfair and disrespectful...which causes friction between me and them .....which there was a lot of last weekend already because I will NOT just watch them bully her and not stand up for the kid. It's a mess. They're clueless, but my biggest concern is aggression from my male biological, who is prone to striking women and children when they don't toe the imaginary line....and I really don't look good in orange at all y'all...smh He cussed her today and I almost stepped in then. Oh how I wish I were in a better situation....and could take her with me. And this is a GOOD kid, always has been a genuinely GOOD sweet kind hearted BIG hearted child...but hell on wheels when she gets backed into a corner. Like I said...super concerned and measuring my own responses. The world is confusing when you've looked through warped lenses for so long and think you're finally getting a handle on perspective of some things but triggers pull you toward self doubt...I have always had a hard time with parent/child issues for that reason. So, thanks for yalls input, it is infinitely appreciated!!!

 

[frustratedearthmother]

That just stinks so bad. Maybe you can arrange play dates with her friends in a park or neutral setting? It just seems like such a sad situation.

 

[Wannabefree]

I try to get her out of here on the weekends when I have the funds and take her and do things or buy crafts supplies and do things here with her. My cash flow is just tight the last few weeks after that out of pocket major dental bill. And the Summer....she's going to be here ALL day EVERY day....I'm going to go insane trying to keep the fires smothered out. I just hope that old man isn't really stupid enough to raise his hand to her.

 

[Mini Horses]

You may want -- if not already -- to have a talk with her to explain that at the age of these two, things are not always good for a young one. Don't down them, just find a way to help her understand that "they DON'T understand" and things can smooth out.

You may want to have another talk with the elders about how it is now with teens and find some alternative time for the young one to be allowed a little more freedom. AND point out that it would also help reduce their own anxiety & intrusion in their lives.

It's hard for both sides to adjust to being thrown into such an unwanted situation. Really, it is hard.

As to the male.......sounds like that will be a 911 judgment call if things don't get working better.

Sounds like some hard choices were made and more to come.

 

[Wannabefree]

Yes we have these discussions regularly, and things usually calm down for a day or so till I get a call from DN13 crying wanting to talk about the latest crap and wanting to come live with me. *sigh* I keep telling myself she needs the experience of this hardship to learn diplomacy and patience, and I chew her butt regularly about her attitude and disrespectfulness towards them, but it doesn't do much good when they don't get on board and make attempts to change themselves. It's just a ridiculously difficult situation all the way around. And my niece is soooo much like me...Lord help us all...