Spouse would rather die than quit corporate job

[StupidBird]

and he's well on his way to it. Heart attack, multiple health issues, super stress. Keeps promising but does nothing. Heavy guilt on my part - no job, assorted incapacities requiring good health insurance. I dream of moving to the better climate for my health the docs advise, him stepping down to a less soul-eating job, me getting back to work. I realize it'll be so much less money, but I don't want this fancy house, the electronics and toys. The kids are in college; can't breath easy there until they get jobs graduated.
We got chickens last year, and expanded the garden. Hens doing well, garden a flop again (bugs, disease, heat and I can't keep up when my health tanks). So my skills and abilities are not what I'd hoped for SS.

Sorry to dump so, but you all sound so sure of yourselves. Can I get some advice? How to make the break with a resistant spouse? I just feel a bit down about the whole situation today.

 

[DrakeMaiden]

Hi SB!

It sounds like you are really unhappy with your life right now and want to make some big changes. Have you sat down and made a list of pros and cons to some of the changes you might want to make? Have you listed you and your spouse's skills and limitations? These might be interesting to have a good hard look at. I'm sure you are skilled at some things that your health limitations would impact less than keeping up with a garden. Better to focus on things you are good at and able to keep up on.

It sounds to me like you might want to downsize. How does your spouse feel about that? I heard about a book that a lady wrote about cutting everything out of her life except 100 things and how she felt it gave her more time and energy . . . .

Are you enjoying keeping chickens?

 

[StupidBird]

Hi there DrakeMaiden. Yup, love the "stupid birds". Just popped over here from BYC and logged in instead of lurking as usual.
Did the lists, the therapists. Its that I can't bear having to confront the spouse's "agree with everything, do nothing". I'm being chicken.

 

[DrakeMaiden]

So I guess you need to take charge and tell him that things need to change NOW or they will change for the worse on their own. Sometimes as a spouse you have to take that roll. :/ Are there changes he has agreed need to happen (like downsizing)? Could you maybe take charge and start looking for a smaller place or just actively do something along those lines? I think sitting still is just going to cause tension for you at this point. Do you have a vision of where you would like to be in, say, 5 years? Do you share that vision? Are you ready to start taking the baby steps for the both of you and then let the momentum carry him along? I am guessing he just is unsure of how to proceed . . . but if he is reluctant, that could cause problems if he can't explain why he is reluctant. If it is fear of change . . . well, that's a hard one, but life is constantly changing . . . .

If you really like chickens, have you thought about selling eggs on a small scale? Or do you prefer keeping them for your own use only?

 

[tortoise]

Hi Bird.

My fiance will never go for it either. We might be able to figure out some hybrid lifestyle.

You can't change him. But if he is agreeable as you've said, go ahead and DO it yourself! There are a lot of things you can do.

When I'm feeling stuck, just doing a little SS project makes me feel a lot better!

Can I ask what your health limitations are? That way we have better information to suggest SS ideas that you CAN do.

For instance, if you had arthritis, me suggesting to sew and dran socks probably would not be encouraging!

If back/mobility problems prevent your from maintaining a garden there are a few things you CAN do.

Container garden - put containers up on a table so they are easy to reach. You've seen the upside-down tomato thingies? You can make those yourself out of hanging baskets.

Here are some idea for VERY raised garden bed that are even wheelchair accessible! http://www.spinalistips.se/tips-raised-garden-beds-en-471.html

 

[tortoise]

And down-sizing is a great idea! I have a 500 square foot house. I lived in it with my son, a roommate and her son, 4 indoor/outdoor chickens, 8+ indoor/outdoor rabbits, a cat, a mouse colony to feed the cat, 2 - 4 dogs at any given time, and a goat.

That sounds terribly cramed, but because of the layout of the house and absolutely NO junk, it was comfortable.

Now that house is leased out and I live in my fiance's 1,000 square foot house. The layout is bad, there is tons of wasted space. It feels CROWDED and there isn't space for furniture.

I'm constantly downsizing. I have a variety of mental illnesses that has a huge impact on my life. I will have a panic attack with clutter! As I do laundry, I hang clothes I've worn in the center. If something is on the edge of the closet for a few months, it goes into the goodwill bag!

The only things I don't downside are crafts/sewing/art stuff (with the exception of fabric scraps. I get intense bursts of creative energy and if I don't have something to do, or an missing supplies I will a) fly into a rage or b) spend a ridiculous amount of money on it. Onc I spent $70 on knitting needles. I made one pair of socks. (That was an EXPENSIVE pair of socks!)

So downsizing is great, but you have to know yourself!

My fiance is a packrat. But I tolerate it because a) it doesn't clutter living spaces b) it is all useful and will be used and c) he knows what he has and where it is.

Mmm... except for all the cat supplies. His cat died years ago and he has no interest in getting another cat. I'm seriously sick of looking at the HUGE cat tree in the basement!

P.S. I could NEVER live with 100 things. I'm sure I have more than that in my small closet. And in my desk drawer. Did she seriously count every pencil, eraser, paper clip, etc?

 

[ORChick]

Don't know if this is in any way comparable to your situation, but here it is. My DH was a manager in a large Silicon Valley computer firm. He wasn't a workaholic, but liked his job well enough. We did not have the big house (we never had kids so we never outgrew the little starter home), but he likes his toys. I talked of working towards a specific goal - early retirement - but he never saw the point (or perhaps just never thought it would be possible). But, slowly, over time, with me doing all I could to tighten our belts and build the savings, he came to the realization that it was possible. Once it was his idea (!) it went fairly quickly, and he retired at 51. We waited a year (to make sure it stuck ), and then moved out of the expensive Bay Area to where we are now, Oregon.
So, suggestions - I spent my time learning new skills, or perfecting old ones; I had a garden, I (waterbath) canned, I cleaned up my sewing machine, and polished the knitting needles. I read a lot about living in the country, and doing more for ourselves. And I talked about it. Not nagging, just talking - "Hey, I just read this interesting article ...", "The applesauce is from our trees, canned last autumn", "I made some trays today to dehydrate on the patio using the sun's energy". As often as not he just rolled his eyes, but it was slowly sinking in.
It helps that he has his own hobbies to keep him busy - not SS, but fulfilling for him. Does your DH have any sort of life outside of work? Many people (men mostly, in my experience) are fearful of losing their identity along with their jobs. Maybe you can guide him towards something that he could get satisfaction from? My DH doesn't have a lot of interest in what I do that is SS. He realizes that we can't spend as much money on things anymore, but still doesn't quite get that I would want to grow tomatoes rather than buy them on sale. But thats OK. We are not anywhere near SS, but thats OK too. I find that my garden, and the chickens, and doing what I else I can in small ways is fine for where I am now. And he still rolls his eyes, but not as often.
Sorry for the long post. What I suppose I am trying to say is: you do what you can/learn what you can/practice what you can. And talk to him about it, and let him see what you accomplish. Don't nag, but don't hide it. He may never come around, but you will have learned to do what you can with what you have, and that is also good. And, if he does come around, you will be ready.

 

[DrakeMaiden]

P.S. I could NEVER live with 100 things. I'm sure I have more than that in my small closet. And in my desk drawer. Did she seriously count every pencil, eraser, paper clip, etc?

Hee hee . . . I'm not sure she was being that literal about it.

 

[StupidBird]

thanks.

Its not been my style, but I know I do have to take charge. One way or the other, the change has to happen, with or without. I have put stumbling blocks in my way my own self, this I freely admit. Gotta put on the big girl panties, as I've heard said.

On the chickens, they're just for family use - a limited number of hens for our surburban backyard. I believe I could handle about a dozen, in a different location - these are all I can care for right here, right now.

I have a vision, a timetable; but have thrown my own monkey wrench in the works by taking on care of a teenage family member on short notice; whom I now have custody of for a year. I sometimes think I agreed to this so I wouldn't be left home alone and can be kept too busy to think.

Healthwise: all little things, but lots of 'em, that all gang up at once. Major item is a nasty mold allergy,(sniff and drop type) not a good thing in the southeast. I have made vacation trips to other climates and did wonderful. Basically, small towns, no industry, above 4 to 5 thousand feet elevation, no dusty deserts or smoggy cities. Add to the list hyperreactive airway disease/asthma, countless allergies and sensitivities, arthritis, low blood sugar, gluten intolerance, migraines, back/neck muscle/nerve/disk problems, fibromyalgia...

I just want a itty bitty one bedroom cottage/cabin, about a half acre in garden and fruits, and a little bit of multi-purpose pasture. One of those small college towns would be perfect. I have a really nice degree and some years long past experience in urban forestry and landscape architecture; I would eagerly work for the town pittance if they decently covered our medical.

Argh. I need those "baby steps"!

 

[Mackay]

If you don't have your health it is hard to be positive and keep moving forward.

There is much your husband can do to improve his health even with a high stress job, but granted dumping it is the best solution.
Supplements to steghten the vasucular system, detox the liver, dump pathogens... really, if he doesn't take care of himself it will get to him eventually, even if he stops his job. Type A is always type A no matter where you put them. They can decellerate a bit but usually not enough to impact the health much.. It is a mental state that needs working on if they are willing.

Downsizing may be the best solution for now. Lowering monthly bills, finding a house with a better yard, can lower stress.

We dumped it all a year ago. Now we have no house payments, and no house, but we are building one by ourselves.

Your husband probably has some goals that are important to him. Perhaps you should discuss them and see what are realistic goals to attain in this floundering economy and now that the kids are almost gone.... my husband was really driven to to meet certain goals. but ultimately the ultimate goal was to escape it all which I can see you don't have that benefit... he is doing so well now being free.

You should really outline all your assests and money stuff. Get a real clear picture of what you have and what you anticipate to have say in two years, five years.

Figure out how much you could save to downsize, how much it might cost, where income could come from if he quit his job, how you would manage health issues. Its hard to make a move if you are not seeing the total picture.

If your health is an issue there are things that can be done outside of conventional medicine. Many many people are learning new ways to take care of issues without insurance..... and short of an accident, we are prepared for most things. Right now I am preparing to treat some pre-cancerous conditions my husband has on his arms... Total cost $5.00. If we went to a dermatologist? at least $500 plus a long trip to the big city. I have much more confidence in my treatment than theirs.

You might want to join this place. I and others help people get past some pretty big health issues. Just go there and start asking questions... there are quite a few very knowledgable people there... and I mean really smart in the alternative health care area.
www.natmedtalk.com

If health is well it is a lot easier to leave the company perks behind and if you can see a path for caring for yourself you start to loose the fear of not being connected to the medical system.