Aidenbaby
Lovin' The Homestead
http://denver.craigslist.org/bar/1721811585.html
Over the course of the last year or so, I've become a professional resume submitter! I've scoured the listings in the 'jobs' section, always racing for that first slot in the recipients mailbox. I've developed an awe-inspiring ability of thesaurus utilization in the process of sprucing up my e-mails and resume. Unfortunately, the only benefit I've reaped from all this effort is the knowledge of every synonym for "proficiency" and "excellence." Then I realized that I AM LOOKING IN THE WRONG SECTION! I've come to barter! (Insert cymbal clash)
Now, I am looking to trade my set of skill for a space in your employee file cabinet (or computer folder, whatever). I will also include my super-amazing ability to quickly learn new tasks and processes and, as some recruiters like to say, hit the ground running! You must collect and pay employment taxes, provide legal employment forms, a safe working environment, and a paycheck. Benefits? I'm not too picky! If you threw in a bottle of vitamin C every Friday, I'd consider kissing your feet.
The following is a list of only some of my talents, capabilities, and the like, which, of course, can be easily expanded because I am superbly proficient in quickly learning new tasks (did i mention that?):
-More than familiar with the thesaurus and Craigslist;
-Have five years of accounting experience, not necessarily seeking any more, nor do I think those a-holes at the sleazy car dealership will give me a decent reference;
-Have five years of retail experience, beats accounting;
-Graphic artist wanna-be - I make some AWESOME posters;
-Professional college drop-in - I write some AWESOME papers;
-I sew, knit, draw, paint, write, decorate, etc, but that crap isn't apt to get me a job;
-I kick butt at cooking and cleaning, but I doubt anyone will pay me for this either;
-Have strong foundation of legalese, legal knowledge and the like, compliments of a paralegal whim from last semester;
-Have a great singing voice, not tested beyond the shower;
-Have an accent and bilingual, pero no habla espanol... OK, OK, un poquito. No mas;
-Have a green card (it's not green!).
As I mentioned before, this is a very brief list of all of my amazing capabilities. I type 90 words per minute. I usually take my ADD medication, I'm getting a refill tomorrow. There are a few things that may be bad that would never make it the holiness of my resume, but they're important to my detriment:
-I have a few bigger visible tattoos. They're pretty, but some people look at them all strange - they're just afraid of my obvious and AMAZING ability to tolerate pain. Yeah;
-I'm thin, but not at all athletic. I can run in stilettos, but I probably can't lift more than 25lbs without bit*hing about it for a week;
-I'm really good at bit*hing. It takes rhetoric to be this good. I usually win;
-I'm pretty sure my credit sucks by now.
I know, I know... nobody ever voices all the bad crap that might make you think twice about hiring them. There is no section on any resume template that is called "the bad s**t." My will to disclose such information should signify my intent to communicate honestly.
Did I mention that I learn VERY quickly?
Anyway... thank you in advance for giving me a job. I'm sure that, after reading this oh-so-unique-to-me-and-a-million-other-people list, you'll think of that job you have laying around, or that one person you know that has a job laying around, and you'll say "WOW! I just saw this girl on Craigslist who was looking to trade her profound knowledge of computer technology for some money!" Then, you'll e-mail me and I'll stop bitc*ing.
Before you jump to hit that mail button, no nudie jobs. No drugs. I'll legally sell alcohol, but I'm no good at drinking it (unless you're including a soft ditch after the first glass of wine). Other than that, I'm not picky. I'll even take a job flagging CL posts. I know that's a popular hobby. I'm getting pretty good at facebook espionage, too - I'll take money to virtually stalk your exes and whys.
Thanks for your time, and especially for my job! Have a great day!
Over the course of the last year or so, I've become a professional resume submitter! I've scoured the listings in the 'jobs' section, always racing for that first slot in the recipients mailbox. I've developed an awe-inspiring ability of thesaurus utilization in the process of sprucing up my e-mails and resume. Unfortunately, the only benefit I've reaped from all this effort is the knowledge of every synonym for "proficiency" and "excellence." Then I realized that I AM LOOKING IN THE WRONG SECTION! I've come to barter! (Insert cymbal clash)
Now, I am looking to trade my set of skill for a space in your employee file cabinet (or computer folder, whatever). I will also include my super-amazing ability to quickly learn new tasks and processes and, as some recruiters like to say, hit the ground running! You must collect and pay employment taxes, provide legal employment forms, a safe working environment, and a paycheck. Benefits? I'm not too picky! If you threw in a bottle of vitamin C every Friday, I'd consider kissing your feet.
The following is a list of only some of my talents, capabilities, and the like, which, of course, can be easily expanded because I am superbly proficient in quickly learning new tasks (did i mention that?):
-More than familiar with the thesaurus and Craigslist;
-Have five years of accounting experience, not necessarily seeking any more, nor do I think those a-holes at the sleazy car dealership will give me a decent reference;
-Have five years of retail experience, beats accounting;
-Graphic artist wanna-be - I make some AWESOME posters;
-Professional college drop-in - I write some AWESOME papers;
-I sew, knit, draw, paint, write, decorate, etc, but that crap isn't apt to get me a job;
-I kick butt at cooking and cleaning, but I doubt anyone will pay me for this either;
-Have strong foundation of legalese, legal knowledge and the like, compliments of a paralegal whim from last semester;
-Have a great singing voice, not tested beyond the shower;
-Have an accent and bilingual, pero no habla espanol... OK, OK, un poquito. No mas;
-Have a green card (it's not green!).
As I mentioned before, this is a very brief list of all of my amazing capabilities. I type 90 words per minute. I usually take my ADD medication, I'm getting a refill tomorrow. There are a few things that may be bad that would never make it the holiness of my resume, but they're important to my detriment:
-I have a few bigger visible tattoos. They're pretty, but some people look at them all strange - they're just afraid of my obvious and AMAZING ability to tolerate pain. Yeah;
-I'm thin, but not at all athletic. I can run in stilettos, but I probably can't lift more than 25lbs without bit*hing about it for a week;
-I'm really good at bit*hing. It takes rhetoric to be this good. I usually win;
-I'm pretty sure my credit sucks by now.
I know, I know... nobody ever voices all the bad crap that might make you think twice about hiring them. There is no section on any resume template that is called "the bad s**t." My will to disclose such information should signify my intent to communicate honestly.
Did I mention that I learn VERY quickly?
Anyway... thank you in advance for giving me a job. I'm sure that, after reading this oh-so-unique-to-me-and-a-million-other-people list, you'll think of that job you have laying around, or that one person you know that has a job laying around, and you'll say "WOW! I just saw this girl on Craigslist who was looking to trade her profound knowledge of computer technology for some money!" Then, you'll e-mail me and I'll stop bitc*ing.
Before you jump to hit that mail button, no nudie jobs. No drugs. I'll legally sell alcohol, but I'm no good at drinking it (unless you're including a soft ditch after the first glass of wine). Other than that, I'm not picky. I'll even take a job flagging CL posts. I know that's a popular hobby. I'm getting pretty good at facebook espionage, too - I'll take money to virtually stalk your exes and whys.
Thanks for your time, and especially for my job! Have a great day!
Gosh I hope she gets some good offers!
