Bad Day

[Quail_Antwerp]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base,
Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he
discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last
flight. So a message is sent to the base ops and an airman who was
off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the flight line and makes his way to
the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left
outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the
hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and
is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and
carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm
going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but
punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,
stands up tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your
son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in
Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's
are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe;
it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below
zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft. Now,
just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

 

[Dace]

Love it!

 

[Henrietta23]

You scared me there for a minute with that title! Glad I noticed which section you were posting in.
Gives you a bit of perspective, doesn't it?

 

[SKR8PN]

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy:

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

 

[SKR8PN]

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.] The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking place. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For awhile things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and harassing them I thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,"Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life! Name withheld to protect the guilty.

 

[SKR8PN]

Hey Quail.......thanks for starting this thread and reminding me of these jokes!!

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

OMG SKR8! Those were great!!!

 

[Beekissed]

As president and founding member of PISSI, I demand that this thread be closed! You guys are making my chair wet!!!!






Those were the greatest jokes I've heard in a long, long time!!!!!

Whew! (wiping tears....and my seat) That felt gooood!

 

[Ldychef2k]

I sent the original story to my brother, who recently retired from the Air Force after 24 years. He confirms that it actually happened, and of course since he is anal retentive, he had to correct the details, which, as anyone who has ever played "telephone" can attest, can sometimes go awry.

Here's his response:
Actually, he was an Airman Basic (E-1), it wasnt a C-130, it was a small USAF aircraft used for Generals and high ranking people. It was the General who made the comment to the Airman, not the pilot. And he actually said; "General, Im an Airman Basic, stationed in Greenland, its 3AM and Im sucking sh** out of an airplane, what else could you do to me." This happened at least 23 yrs ago when I first joined and we all heard about it. Nothing bad ever happened to the airman.