Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler


Almost Self-Reliant
Nov 17, 2009
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Maryville, Tennessee
No - this isn't me - mine would be more like Demented Squishy mud mover - but I thought all you snow-bound friends would get a kick out of this - Thanks OFG for reminding me to post it here.

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my backside on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The darn snowplow came by twice.Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white poop fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pee'd and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
backside is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the darn snowplow.

December 25

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the darn slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes freeze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his backside. The wife went home to
her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


Recycled Spunk
Dec 1, 2008
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:lol: That was great!

I wish our township would invest in a larger truck and plow. They use a small truck that makes our road an ice sheet. The roads close by that use the big plows don't have the ice problem.

They say that you want your driveway on an inner curve not an outer curve of the road for less snowplow accumulation. Not sure if that is true.

Since they let the field across the road revert back to forest there hasn't been the wind-drifting of snow in the drive, a real plus!


Almost Self-Reliant
Jan 31, 2009
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That's funny! I am so glad we don't get heavy snows here. The most we've ever had in my life was 20 inches in '83. I was 2 then! (Actually 1 1/2!) Year before last we had over a foot and we all had a blast in it. Usually we only get 6-8 inches at a time and it melts after a day or two.


Almost Self-Reliant
Aug 31, 2009
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East Central Illinois
Hardly HAD to use our snowblower since we've moved to the country ten years ago--I KNOW we're supposed to get more, but Peoria and Indianapolis ALWAYS get more snow that we do in C-U--EXCEPT FOR THIS YEAR.
Blew out a path around the horse trailer and in front of the barn in anticipation of the next snow on Sunday. It almost filled in every bit of snow I removed. AAARRRRGGGGG!!!! :barnie :barnie :barnie
I'm going out tonight to fix this. I'm just going to PRETEND that it's Spring and I'm mowing grass....which is FUN....for me, at least. :p


Almost Self-Reliant
Nov 17, 2009
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Maryville, Tennessee
Be sure to put that "grass" on your compost pile (or around all those tomato plants you now have planted (since it's "spring".

I just cooked up a big pan of cornbread with red pepper flakes in it for the chickens. When it cooled, I tore it apart and added about a 1/2 cup of yogurt with about a cup of grapes I had cut in two. They tore into it and now are standing down there pressed against the side of their run wanting to know why I won't turn them out. Silly birds - my hubby doesn't get treated that good.