punkin
Don't Quote Me
>
> Judas Asparagus
>
> If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!
>
> A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is
> amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we
> take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
>
> Through the eyes of a child:
>
> The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
>
> In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
> darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I
> think He must be a lot older than that.
>
> Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
>
> Then God made the world.
>
> He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
> embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
>
> Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from
> the Garden of Eden.
>
> Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
>
> Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
>
> Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
> lived to be like a million or something.
>
> One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
> his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and
> some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
> they would have to take a rain check.
>
> After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
> brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
> pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
>
> Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
> Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
> after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
> frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
>
> God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His
> Top Ten Commandments.
>
> These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
> stuff.
>
> Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
>
> One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
> spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
> town.
>
> After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
> slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
> porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
> to me.
>
> After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
>
> One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up
> on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we
> don't have to worry about them.
>
> After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
> New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
> barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you
> born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
>
> During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
> and the Democrats.
>
> Jesus also had twelve opossums.
>
> The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
> terrible vegetable after him.
>
> Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
> Germans on the Mount.
>
> But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
> Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
>
> Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
>
> He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
> return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
>
(I especially like the fact that Jesus has 12 opossums)
.
> Judas Asparagus
>
> If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!
>
> A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is
> amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we
> take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
>
> Through the eyes of a child:
>
> The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
>
> In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
> darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I
> think He must be a lot older than that.
>
> Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
>
> Then God made the world.
>
> He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
> embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
>
> Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from
> the Garden of Eden.
>
> Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
>
> Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
>
> Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
> lived to be like a million or something.
>
> One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
> his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and
> some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
> they would have to take a rain check.
>
> After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
> brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
> pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
>
> Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
> Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
> after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
> frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
>
> God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His
> Top Ten Commandments.
>
> These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
> stuff.
>
> Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
>
> One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
> spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
> town.
>
> After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
> slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
> porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
> to me.
>
> After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
>
> One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up
> on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we
> don't have to worry about them.
>
> After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
> New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
> barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you
> born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
>
> During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
> and the Democrats.
>
> Jesus also had twelve opossums.
>
> The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
> terrible vegetable after him.
>
> Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
> Germans on the Mount.
>
> But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
> Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
>
> Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
>
> He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
> return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
>
(I especially like the fact that Jesus has 12 opossums)
.
