Need Advice...

[MorelCabin]

Oh Boy...here comes the dirty laundry...

We'll start here...my family is a family where the boys always came first and the girls left home or got kicked out before they turned 16 and were pretty much sent to survive on thier own. Boys can do no wrong...girls were apparent trouble. My sister and I were accused of doing everything under the sun from the day we turned 13...that's how we remember it anyway...my parents have a different story.
Anyway...my kid brother...baby of the family...went and got himself a great girlfriend about 9 years ago and they ended up having two kids. During this relationship she worked a minimum wage full time job and he rarely worked with the excuse that he wasn't going to take on any job that paid less than $15/hr. As uneducated as he was, he didn't work much...and when he did he spent all his money on weed and *fast* muscle type cars that never ran.
He was home with the kids all day and she would work and come home to clean and do laundry. At one point she finally convinced him that the least he could do was the dishes.
Anyway...make a long story short...she finally left him 5 months ago. Good for her!! He deserved it. From that day on he has trahed her repeatedly...and none of it is founded, but my parents take his side. He moved back in with my parents because he went to jail for threatening to kill her and she called the police on him when he showed up drunk and disorderly and threatening to kill her and her brother inlaw (who my bro has always hated for some reason) And now hates because her BIL helped her get all her stuff out of my bros place.
She has always been more than fair to him. But the police charged him that night and it went out of her control.
Long story...
anyway, my bro has never helped her since she left...he is staying at my parents, working apperently, but not helping the kids. wouldn't even give them a ride to school one morning when they miised thier bus and begged thier mom to "walk over to daddy's cause he had a truck and could drive them" Do you know what he did??? Told her right on the doorstep...right in front of those two kids that they were not his kids, she could go to hell if she thought he would help her with anything...and on and on...in front of these two children!

I bought the kids beds for Christmas because my brother wouldn't give them thier bunkbeds and they had been sleeping togehter on an air matress for four months when they had GREAT beds at my parents house that my brother was using instead of the futon bed they had there!
My parents think he is an angel..well they know he has issues but apperently his ex g/f has more...ya RIGHT! She is the best thing that has ever happened to him...and she deserves much better...you know he stole the engagement ring he gave her and hocked it (before she left him) and ranted and raved at her for a week over her "losing" it...until she found the recipt for the sale to the hock shop in his pocket while doing laundry one day...nice guy eh?

Anyway...the latest is this...over Christmas the girls were staying with my parents and thier dad (my bro) and my bro had his oldest daughter (she's 7) sitting in the living room with him destroying pictures of his ex and making up all kinds of nasty things to say about her...HE WAS DOING THIS WITH HIS DAUGHTER AGAINST HER OWN MOTHER! writing on the pictures, drawing crazy things on her face and calling her names! I heard this frm my son who was up there visting at the time

Now the g/f wants to put her daughter in counselling b/c she can't figure out why she has such an angry 7 year old on her hands...not to mention my mom decided to tell her there was no such thing as Santa this Christmas....wayyy overstepping a boundry
My family is about to have an all out war with me
I called there tonite to have a fighting match with my bro and accuse him of all this but my parents won't let me talk to him...so they start making lame excuses for him as usual...the guy is over 30...should be a man...come on! AND they start telling me that if I cause problems that maybe the kids won't be able to see them anymore and thier mom does nothing with them...OF COURSE she doesn't have time to do much withy them...she is working, going to school and trying to keep food on the table and get a career under her belt so she can give them a life...Bro is not giving them any money at all! And not only that..he will only take them here and there because he doesn't want to give thier mother any free time that she might use to have fun!
Anyway I am not sure what to do, but I really want to tell the g/f what is going on...why her kids are so angry. She thinks it's her fault because she dirupted thier lives. She has no idea what my brother is doing to turn those kids against her. If I open my mouth and tell her my whole family is going to come down on me like everything in the last twenty years is my fault! And my parents will eb upset because they may not get the kids anymore. I cannot go on pretending that everything is peachy everywhere...and I will not let my brother destroy those kids! Any ideas?

 

[freemotion]

I can tell from the way you wrote the story that you know what you need to do, so if you need validation, you go, girl! Be a warrior and stand up for your blood relations who deserve it....the children....and help prevent another generation from thinking that girls are garbage.

Hard as it is, it will also be healing for you.

Sounds like you are the grown-up in your family. Those kids are lucky to have you. Go give their mom a big hug for me. She sure needs it. And another one for you....

 

[MorelCabin]

You are so right...I do know what I need to do...and it is gonna hurt like hell. But I have to do it...kids don't deserve to spend thier lives going to counselling because no one understood what was happening, and the one who did kept quiet. This is not going to be pretty...and I am kind of scared of blowing it out of the water...but in the next couple of days I am going to get my thoghts together and come up with a sure fire waay to at least put my bro in his place AND let g/f know that he doesn't deserve to see those kids. He cannot be trusted

Thanks Free!

 

[freemotion]

Sigh.....yup, it will be very hard, but so worth it. You will be giving those kids something that someone should've....but didn't....give you. You are a hero.

Save your energy, you will need it. My next advice is not to bother with your brother. Focus on helping the gf and the kids move forward. They will need a lot of support, and they are the deserving ones.

I've stood up for kids and adults many times, and one thing I've learned....it is SO much more effective coming from a close relative. Strangers get shut out pretty quickly by the abusive ones who are in control. You are their only real hope. I'm proud of you. Sniffle....

 

[eggs4sale]

 

[Beekissed]

I second that advice! Right is right, family or no. There comes a time when a person has to realize that family is just people like anyone else and should not be protected when they are in the wrong.

I blew a few things out of the water this year that everyone had been tip-toeing around all these years, I've been more than frank with my mother about some things~she got mad but she also had to just get glad!, and I've managed to keep my distance during all the other broohaha. Our family has managed to see the light about some of the siblings, the remaining siblings are closer, and a dirty secret was laid at the door of the culprit...I'm hoping this will save some child in the future.

I wouldn't, however, waste any breath talking to this brother....that leopard won't change it's spots any time soon. It will only stir the stink and make you frustrated...some folks don't deserve that much honest emotion.

I would support and help this woman and her children, tell her the truth and let the chips fall where they may. These children are the real victims and someone has got to stand up for them....you are doing just the right thing! You go, Morel honey!

In the end, the only thing to do with dirty laundry is to throw it in the water with some good soap and aggitate the heck out of it!

 

[old fashioned]

I don't know the law in your area, but is there a chance she can get a lawyer & go after him for child support? Even though they weren't legally married she may still be able to fight back from a legal stand point. She should contact an attorney atleast for a consultation about her & kids rights. Most will give a legal consult for free.

 

[kimnkell]

You go for it Girl! I know it's your brother and all but those kids doesn't deserve to be done that way. My Hubby's ex wife done his Daughter that way and put us through hell and back. That poor kid is a total wreck now and was so depressed now and has real emotional problems. So do the right thing and tell the girlfriend what is going on. I do believe that he will have to pay her child support. I know in Ky it doesn't matter if you have a job or not and it doesn't matter if your were married or not , you still have to pay child support or they will throw their butts in jail. Save those kids from all of that emotional stress if you can Girl! Good Luck!

 

[Farmfresh]

Just do what you know needs done. We are here if you need us.

 

[2dream]

Morel, it is a tough spot to be in but like Frees said. Sounds like you already know what you have to do.

That "Save the Children" slogan used for years seems to be appropriate here.

Sounds like you can't save your brother but you can save his children. Your parents will just have to deal with it.

As far as child support goes, even though I am sure she could use it, it sounds like she can make it without it if she does not want to pursue it. She sounds strong and self sufficient and someone who will make a life for her and her children without his help. She has you for moral support. Stay close to her. Keep a close relationship with those children.