ScottyG and some random thoughts

2dream

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So sorry about your Mom. I know it is tough. I moved my Mom in with me about 6 months ago but I don't have small children plus I have a grown daughter who had to move back home and she helps out. You are doing a good thing.
Hope your Mom settles in well and you have a good trip back.
 

ScottyG

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Yeah, at this point, it's WAY beyond the possibility of moving her in with someone. She can't sit up on her own, move on her own, use the facilities, eat, drink, put on clothes, none of it without help... and she says maybe 10 words a day, so quietly you have to bend in to hear her. She has no idea what year it is, where she is, what she had for breakfast today... though she can tell you exactly who everyone is in a 50-year old family album, and she can answer more questions than me on Jeopardy on TV. In any case, that's just to say it's FAR beyond my power to take care of her. She really needs full-time nursing care, and even with the 24-hour home health aide she's had for the past 4 years, she's needed extra help on top of that.

Roosmom, you asked about my sister... it's a very complicated situation. My sister got herself in some SEVERE credit card debt, and to avoid bankruptcy, moved in with my mom to not pay rent. She and my mom never really got along as adults, and it was VERY tense. After 4 months or so, my mom's illness came on, and my sister stayed in the house. She did a little taking care of her, but mostly left the house most days and let the health aide do everything, because she found it too depressing, which I can understand.

In the meanwhile, my sister resented my mom more and more, even though my mom was terminally ill, and would constantly complain about how mean my mom was to her, and how stupid my mom is. My mom, of course, has sever brain cancer, so she did go through "mean" phases, but it was just her brain misfiring and blaring out curse words against her own will.

In any case, my sister turned the whole thing into a "poor me" story about how she gave up her life to take care of my "evil" mom while the rest of us ignored her. But she did it to herself. At any point, she could have moved out, and we even encouraged her to do so. But she wanted to save on rent. So she lived with the mother she couldn't stand, complained about it nonstop, hated the rest of us for "forcing" her into that life while we constantly tried to convince her to just leave the house... and by the end of it, she spent the last year there ONLY coming home when my mom is asleep, so she wouldn't have to deal with my mom's "meanness."

So she finally moved out, as we'd been prodding her to, except we found out she was moving out when she sent us her new address, having already moved. GAH!

I know I sound angry, but there's pretty much no one in the world who makes me as mad as my sister. And I try to be very nice to her, but even then I hear (not directly from her, but from my aunt) that she can't stand to talk to me on the phone because no matter how nice and reasonable I am, she has a gut reaction to be furiously upset with me, even when she thinks I'm being nice. GREEEEEAT.

Anyway, sorry. Got carried away. [/sister rant]
 

2dream

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Rant away Scotty. We all have family. Mine happens to be my brothers two girls. NOTE: I did not say my neices. LOL I won't hijack your journal with the gory details. Just suffice it to say, I know exactly where you are comming from.
You are doing exactly what your Mom needs to be done. Seeing that she is properly cared for. You are a very good son.
 

Quail_Antwerp

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Scott, I totally understand your rant. Dh and I are the ones who took care of his mother before she passed away. We weren't married or even dating yet. I would come over and keep his paralyzed mother company (she had ALS) while he and his dad went grocery shopping. Dh said that is what made him fall in love with me, my love and concern for his mother.

Anyway, she used to tell me I was more of a daughter to her than her real daughter. My SIL rarely came to see her mom. When she did come visit Mom, she would accuse Mom of faking it. She would tell her to stop her pretending, to get out of bed and start taking care of her family, and to quit having people wait on her.

The day Mom passed away, BIL argued with her because he wanted to do something and she had told him no. The night before she had begged SIL to stay with her and she had said no. DH was working a 12 hour shift and when he came home that night he sat next to his mom in a recliner (like he did every night) in his cow smelling work clothes (he worked on a dairy farm milking cows) and he watched TV with Mom for an hour or so. Told her, mom, I'm going to go get my shower, I'll be right back.

He never got that shower. :(

Unfortunately, the last 3 months of her life, I didn't get to see her. That's another story, but when she passed away I felt like I had lost my own mother. I loved her so much! And it wasn't her fault she had ALS, but people treated her like she was contagious, even her own daughter. DH says when I came in and talked to her and treated her like a human, he knew I was the one.

DH never dated anyone while his mom was alive. She used to tell him (I know I was there and teased him about it, too) "You need to find a woman" and his reply everytime was, "Not while you still need me, mom. There's no room for a girlfriend or wife." Never had I met someone who put his parents first like that. She would tease me in the same manner, asking why I didn't go out on Friday and Saturday nights, I would tell her, "Because I would rather be here."

I was so blessed to know her. She was a such a bright individual, and even on bad days....

Ah I am sorry, I cluttered up your journal with my ramblings. I know how you feel, ScottyG, and I am so proud of you (if you don't mind my being so) that you are going to do so much for your mom. It is so rare that people nowadays take on such a responsibility.

I was going to say burden, but when it is done out of love, like DH and I did for Mom, it rarely feels like a burden.

Even knowing her incapabilities, make every minute count. The last few memories you make with her will be your most remembered and the most precious later down the road.

And take LOTS of pictures. My greatest regret is that I didn't do that, and I have very few pictures of Mom and I wish I did so I could show them to my children. But we have the memories, and we tell our children about Grandma and how much she would have loved them if she was here.
 

FarmerChick

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yea scottyg I hear ya on some family members! :)

make do best you can. you can't change people truly, even family. just keep her contact with you in the way you want it. I know if I control the contact with pain in the butt family members, I know I can keep them from getting under my last nerve..LOL

hang in there!
 

2dream

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You should be back from your trip and your houseguest should be about ready to leave. Hope everything went smoothly for you.
Just thinking about you and want to let you know we miss you.
 

FarmerChick

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Hoping your doing well...you haven't posted in a bit!
Chat when ya can! :)
 

punkin

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Sorry about your mom, ScottyG. :hugs

Do we have the same sister? :gig Sounds like something mine would do. Not lift a finger in a crisis, then when it's over say how hard it was for her.

I know how difficult it can be to care for a terminally ill parent. I lost my mom about 12 yrs ago to lymphoma. The last four months she was bedridden. Thank God my dad really stood by her side. He was there 24/7 for her. I live just across the road, so I was there alot, too, but the bulk of her care fell on him.

We were blessed with wonderful Hospice care. One time, they even did laundry and cleaned house while daddy took a shower. To this day, we still hug them when we see them.

Hang in there. You will get through this.
 

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