Would I be a bad mom.. UPDATE

[FarmerChick]

I think too when you post something like "SHOULD I SAY" this or that---good chance you kinda don't want to say it LOL If ya posted "I SAID THIS" to my kid, then you already approved of saying it LOL

 

[tortoise]

I'm in the "kick you out at 18" group, and my fiance is "kick you out at 18 IF you are not in college / are not getting good GPA in college"

A good parent works him/herself out of a job. By the time a kid is 18 s/he shoud be able to be independent.

I signed a lease on an apartment on my 18th birthday, went on vacation with my family, and moved the day we got back. I bought a house before my 19th birthday!

My parents taught me along the way - how to write checks, balance a checkbook, make a budget. Opened a checking account for me at 16 when I got my first job. I had to pay my own gas and car insurance when I drove my parents' car, bought my first car without a loan or help from my parents.

Was I good with money? heck no! My parents gave me enough rope to hang myself with. The consequences were clear. No money = no gas, no insurance, no driving, no buying a car. No driving, no buying a car = no job, no money.

My kid is 3. He already knows he is out at 18. MY JOB is to make him ready! That is cooking, cleaning, budgeting, knowing about credit scores, insurance policies, driving, FAFSA, study skills, interview skills, work ethic, etc. A big job!

______

Teens don't listen well. Write her a letter and put it under her pillow. Don't write anything that could be taken badly or used against you, of course. Maybe make a point to write her a letter once a month. Tell her about the good things she does and the good qualities she has. Tell her why you care about her behavior. Tell her what your expectations are. Explain the consequences.

Take the argument out of it. Write it down so she can read it, digest it, reread it...

 

[ohiogoatgirl]

i find this topic very interesting... being 18 at the moment.
but i've never been the bad kid in the family. actually i think my mom might have wished i'd do something crazy and have me a little "normal".
let me explain... i'm 18 years old, the only time i can remember cussing was once when i stepped on a nail, i have never smoked anything, i have never drank anything alcoholic, i have never done any drugs, i don't sleep around,.... ya, mom says i'm "the perfect child". :/ ick...
but my little sister definitely makes up for it. she'e literally evil

some people do better when they get kicked out and have to pick up their act. some people need to be tied down.
wish i could help

 

[Dace]

Well I am in the " it takes longer than 18 years camp" the only way I would throw my kid out is if there was serious disrespect and rebellion.

Frankly I enjoy having my 19 yr old at home. She goes to college and works nearly full time. She is making her way in a very expensive state where she could never go to college and work enough to pay her own way. I would hinder her more by booting her out, she needs to get her schooling out of the way and we are perfectly fine with her living at home while she does.

 

[FarmerChick]

also some are mature at 18
some are not and need more time

some are doing just what Dace said, and with that extra help from Mom and Dad, her DD will have a great future I am sure

then there are those that do everything needed to have a great life without Mom and Dad



but I don't agree that "18" is kick out age.

heck I stayed home way into my late 20s working like a good worker, having a blast at home, banking my money and saving to buy a home, which later my Dad chipped in quite a bit to help me buy my horse land.



so no "18" year old kid will ever be the same situation at all........but I am not in the "kick a kid" out club LOL

 

[Damummis]

I can see L going into the military.

 

[THEFAN]

18 is not the end of course but to the state and gub that is adult in there eyes. 18 is jail time. So don't mess up. If your on that path good luck after your 18. I think that is why so many people us that as a cut off. Not that after 18 the child is forgotten or hung out to dry. Of course the next big age is 21 ( drinking age handgun age). Most of us know or feel 24 is a really good cut off age to say OK it is what it is now. There's nothing I can do but let them hit bottom before what I say really means something.

Coming from lower middle class but with a child who has everything paid for in life when she hits 21 I really need to be on my daughter at all times. I was never giving a gift like that. I don't want her to waste it. She still doesn't know she has it either. So she is being raised humble.

I don't care who you are no one has all the answers to all the problems. Each family dinamic is different. There is no perfect manual. Just try a different approach when the problem comes around again. That's what we do if we didn't get anywhere the last time. Notice how he or she responds to that each time.

 

[farmerlor]

She's responsible for these decisions she's making, not you. You could let her know that you're there for her but you're not there to bail her out. You could let her know that you know she's been raised with a good moral compass and that you trust her to make the right decision if she takes her time to think things through but if she messes up she's going to have to bear the consequences. You'll be there to commiserate but you can't bear the burden for her-that's all on her.
My kids never even had a curfew because I told them this very thing whenever they needed to hear it and they were always in on time, made mostly good decisions and we never had any unwanted pregnancies, drug abuse or trouble with the police. We took a Love and Logic class as part of our fostering thing and I tell you that helped us more than anything with our teens and special needs kids.

 

[Damummis]

That is one of my biggest fears, that her behavior reflects poorly on me and DH.

I try my best, I try to be fair. But the rumors.......... I am disgusted to say the least. Granted I am married for the 2nd time but I could wear the white wedding dress the first time.

How can we be SO different????

Did I say thanks for listening?

 

[AnnaRaven]

That is one of my biggest fears, that her behavior reflects poorly on me and DH.

I try my best, I try to be fair. But the rumors.......... I am disgusted to say the least. Granted I am married for the 2nd time but I could wear the white wedding dress the first time.

How can we be SO different????

Did I say thanks for listening?

My children are completely different from each other. Anyone who thinks that a child is solely a product of their parental raising is deluded. Don't worry about her behavior reflecting on you now. Worry more about how your behavior will affect your relationship with her for the rest of your lives.

Also remember that teens is a time for rebellion - so the more strict you are, the more she has to rebel against. Just remember - this too shall pass. She'll grow older and eventually move out. Teen years: Sometimes you just have to hold on and get through it. Once it's over, they actually turn into people.

Good luck keeping your cool. And again,