Would I be a bad mom.. UPDATE

[chipmunk]

She is always doing damage control because of the lying. Don't lie, no damage control.

She is burning bridges faster than she can cross them.

Tell her just that. And what FC said. Tell her it's a lot easier in the long run to be honest.

She may be acting like an idiot right now, but deep down, she still needs to know that you love her and will stand by her. She may not act that way now, or even realize it, or appreciate it, but it's true.

At least that's the way it was for me when I was 16 and being idiotic. Eventually life beat me up a bit and I came to my senses.

 

[Damummis]

Oh trust me I have.

I do remember my teens. My grades sucked so I was grounded to my room for 3 of my high school years. Senior year I got high honors except last semester I failed. I could do the work I just hated school. I thought if you start off with high grades you always had to live up to them. I watched my sister. Being grounded to your room with only the access of encyclopedias and religious material, you get quite versed in all kinds of subjects. Mostly Bible though. I morally was a saint. Socially an oddball. Still prefer the company of people 20+ years older than me. It is different times though.

 

[aggieterpkatie]

I didn't read the whole thread, but after reading the first page I just wanted to give my experience. I lied as a teen. I knew it was wrong. I had a wonderful upbringing. I just think it's part of being a young person. Even though they know it's wrong, they just can't help but *try* to avoid getting caught doing whatever it was they lied about. My parents told me time and time again that they did not trust me since I lied, and that bothered me. I eventually did learn it was way better to tell the truth and deal with the consequences than it was to lie and not be trusted. I was also put on restriction and things were taken away (going out, tv, etc).

I remember the summer before my 9th grade year I was pretty attitudinal. My mom finally had enough and told me she'd always love me, but right now she didnt' like me. She also said she didnt' want to be my mom right now. That woke me up a little. I think teens need to hear it, personally. They need to know that their behavior is so bad that even their family doesn't like them at that moment.

 

[hillfarm]

I have a twenty year old who was all mouth from 12 on. drove me crazy. i dreaded her. didnt want to speak to her or live in the same house. She was a good kid, never missed a curfew, never called me drunk. never saw her high. boys weren't a problem.

She moved out at 18, and honestly i was relieved. we have been polite and family visits are a strain.

but a month ago she hit and threatened my younger kids. I told her that it was unacceptable and i felt it best if she not come to xmas while i was angry it would just make things worth. a couple weeks later, no word. i told her i was sad that we werent speaking and i hoped she would apologise. no word...

so now, i have decided that she is grown and has the right to make her own call. if she doesnt want to apologise and do right, well then go be grown-up without a mom you treat respectfully. I have sobbed hard tears over this. She has truley broke my heart.

Kids are kids. they have to find their path. Figure out who they are. my daughter will pull her head out i hope. but if not i cant force her. she's grown.

i have thought about telling her what i think. my sister says i should sit down and talk to her. but i really dont see the need. she needs to apologise. she needs to not hit and threaten.

If i once again go to her to make things good then i am letting her be the controlling butt she has always been. we are all intimidated by her. she is not nice. i love her and that will never change, but at 20 she just needs to work it out.

now at 16. you lie to me, i dont trust you. if i dont trust you then you go no where and have nothing till you gain my trust.
kept my kids pretty honest.

 

[Dunkopf]

I have a twenty year old who was all mouth from 12 on. drove me crazy. i dreaded her. didnt want to speak to her or live in the same house. She was a good kid, never missed a curfew, never called me drunk. never saw her high. boys weren't a problem.

She moved out at 18, and honestly i was relieved. we have been polite and family visits are a strain.

but a month ago she hit and threatened my younger kids. I told her that it was unacceptable and i felt it best if she not come to xmas while i was angry it would just make things worth. a couple weeks later, no word. i told her i was sad that we werent speaking and i hoped she would apologise. no word...

so now, i have decided that she is grown and has the right to make her own call. if she doesnt want to apologise and do right, well then go be grown-up without a mom you treat respectfully. I have sobbed hard tears over this. She has truley broke my heart.

Kids are kids. they have to find their path. Figure out who they are. my daughter will pull her head out i hope. but if not i cant force her. she's grown.

i have thought about telling her what i think. my sister says i should sit down and talk to her. but i really dont see the need. she needs to apologise. she needs to not hit and threaten.

If i once again go to her to make things good then i am letting her be the controlling butt she has always been. we are all intimidated by her. she is not nice. i love her and that will never change, but at 20 she just needs to work it out.

now at 16. you lie to me, i dont trust you. if i dont trust you then you go no where and have nothing till you gain my trust.
kept my kids pretty honest.

Twenty is still just a kid. I don't put people in the adult category till they are at least 25. When I was 30 my father and I had a pretty bad argument about the fact that I had not gone to college and the fact I was agnostic. He told me he felt that he had truly failed with me. It hurt pretty bad. He didn't talk to me for a week. I called him and apologized and he accepted but didn't warm up to me. The next day he came to my house and I was gone to lunch with my DW. He had brought a Christmas present over for me and had wanted to talk to me. When I got home with DW my DD came running outside to tell me my father was dead.

It's been 22 years and I still regret the fact that he died while we were on bad terms. You're the adult.

 

[hillfarm]

Twenty is still just a kid. I don't put people in the adult category till they are at least 25. When I was 30 my father and I had a pretty bad argument about the fact that I had not gone to college and the fact I was agnostic. He told me he felt that he had truly failed with me. It hurt pretty bad. He didn't talk to me for a week. I called him and apologized and he accepted but didn't warm up to me. The next day he came to my house and I was gone to lunch with my DW. He had brought a Christmas present over for me and had wanted to talk to me. When I got home with DW my DD came running outside to tell me my father was dead.

It's been 22 years and I still regret the fact that he died while we were on bad terms. You're the adult.



I am sorry for the way things went down with your father. It is an awful thing. I wish I could of had this wonderful story book relationship with my daughter. It has just never been. My two younger children i get along with great. Different personalities.
My oldest is very spoiled due to my indulging her out of my own guilt, her father left. I cant fix what i broke, but i can enforce my rules in my house. i do not tolerate threats and hitting. She has hit my husband and shook a knife at her sister. Recently. Completely unacceptable.

I want to have a healthy relationship, i attend counseling. I just dont know how to reach her and still feel safe. She is bipolar and aggressive. She terrorized our home when she lived there. she now is staying with her father's mom and she rules their house. they call askin me what to do. i just tell them to make her go to work and school or leave.

She fears the loss of comfort more than work. so she tends to mind her. which she did me too. but she thinks now that shes grown she can run over me and my house. not happening.

 

[Dunkopf]

Twenty is still just a kid. I don't put people in the adult category till they are at least 25. When I was 30 my father and I had a pretty bad argument about the fact that I had not gone to college and the fact I was agnostic. He told me he felt that he had truly failed with me. It hurt pretty bad. He didn't talk to me for a week. I called him and apologized and he accepted but didn't warm up to me. The next day he came to my house and I was gone to lunch with my DW. He had brought a Christmas present over for me and had wanted to talk to me. When I got home with DW my DD came running outside to tell me my father was dead.

It's been 22 years and I still regret the fact that he died while we were on bad terms. You're the adult.



I am sorry for the way things went down with your father. It is an awful thing. I wish I could of had this wonderful story book relationship with my daughter. It has just never been. My two younger children i get along with great. Different personalities.
My oldest is very spoiled due to my indulging her out of my own guilt, her father left. I cant fix what i broke, but i can enforce my rules in my house. i do not tolerate threats and hitting. She has hit my husband and shook a knife at her sister. Recently. Completely unacceptable.

I want to have a healthy relationship, i attend counseling. I just dont know how to reach her and still feel safe. She is bipolar and aggressive. She terrorized our home when she lived there. she now is staying with her father's mom and she rules their house. they call askin me what to do. i just tell them to make her go to work and school or leave.

She fears the loss of comfort more than work. so she tends to mind her. which she did me too. but she thinks now that shes grown she can run over me and my house. not happening.

Hope you can work it out. I'm sure you'll both feel better.

 

[Bettacreek]

They need to know that their behavior is so bad that even their family doesn't like them at that moment.

I can't agree with this one. For one, many kids will be terrors. If you cannot accept this, don't have children. To break a kid's heart by telling them that their family doesn't accept them is not "enforcing rules", it's breaking their hearts. I'm bi-polar. I've always had a tough time, especially with my mother, who is a control freak, lol. But when she did things to make me think that she didn't care anymore, etc, etc, I turned to suicidal thoughts. IMO, I don't care if a kid is a pain in the ass. So long as they're not trying to kill anyone, I don't believe kicking them out so that you don't have to worry about them anymore is counter-productive. Kick them out and you're taking away chances and taking away what little you do know and have control over.

 

[me&thegals]

What I consider appropriate would be more along the lines of "I love, and I always will, but your behavior has really, really disappointed me."

 

[Damummis]

I have a twenty year old who was all mouth from 12 on. drove me crazy. i dreaded her. didnt want to speak to her or live in the same house. She was a good kid, never missed a curfew, never called me drunk. never saw her high. boys weren't a problem.

She moved out at 18, and honestly i was relieved. we have been polite and family visits are a strain.

but a month ago she hit and threatened my younger kids. I told her that it was unacceptable and i felt it best if she not come to xmas while i was angry it would just make things worth. a couple weeks later, no word. i told her i was sad that we werent speaking and i hoped she would apologise. no word...

so now, i have decided that she is grown and has the right to make her own call. if she doesnt want to apologise and do right, well then go be grown-up without a mom you treat respectfully. I have sobbed hard tears over this. She has truley broke my heart.

Kids are kids. they have to find their path. Figure out who they are. my daughter will pull her head out i hope. but if not i cant force her. she's grown.

i have thought about telling her what i think. my sister says i should sit down and talk to her. but i really dont see the need. she needs to apologise. she needs to not hit and threaten.

If i once again go to her to make things good then i am letting her be the controlling butt she has always been. we are all intimidated by her. she is not nice. i love her and that will never change, but at 20 she just needs to work it out.

now at 16. you lie to me, i dont trust you. if i dont trust you then you go no where and have nothing till you gain my trust.
kept my kids pretty honest.

Twenty is still just a kid. I don't put people in the adult category till they are at least 25. When I was 30 my father and I had a pretty bad argument about the fact that I had not gone to college and the fact I was agnostic. He told me he felt that he had truly failed with me. It hurt pretty bad. He didn't talk to me for a week. I called him and apologized and he accepted but didn't warm up to me. The next day he came to my house and I was gone to lunch with my DW. He had brought a Christmas present over for me and had wanted to talk to me. When I got home with DW my DD came running outside to tell me my father was dead.

It's been 22 years and I still regret the fact that he died while we were on bad terms. You're the adult.

You are right, I am the adult.
I however don't really have good examples as role models. My mom believed in spanking. For everything. I swear she got pleasure in hurting me. I remember the look in her eyes. My dad was her patsy. There was no one there to support me. I am trying to break the mold. I am trying to be a rational, practical, good parent.

I don't talk with either of my parents. I don't need the pain. Or the hypocrisy. I will not apologize for my life decisions. I tried it their way and it didn't work. So really I am flying solo with the help of my DH, DD's step dad. He keeps me rational. He is also trying to break the mold of his up bringing.

The way I look at it is, L has it made, and she wants something different? What, I don't know. Maybe it is a part of life mothers and daughters go thru so we as mothers can let go. DH says I need to let go. Let her make her decisions. Let her learn by her mistakes.


Now for something completely different..........

Last week l had a nasty sore throat. I took her to the Dr. Wasn't strep. Maybe a virus? Maybe mono? Not sure. L went to school, told everyone she had mono. Yesterday, she came home and said, "Mom, my throat still hurts." I felt her glands, swollen, big time. Looked at her throat, EWWWW. Then I noticed her neck. "What is that on you neck?" A rash. All over. I knew right then, the girl probably has mono. Can't get blood test today, snow storm, again. But talk about karma.