Daydreaming while waiting impatiently!

[tortoise]

I hit my wall last night -ran out of energy. Thankfully I had my infusion this morning!

DS8 has been learning to lead dairy calves for the fair. Yesterday we went out to the farm and helped wash the calves. Leading practice again tonight.

DS16 is trying to complete fair projects last minute. 🙄

 

[tortoise]

DS16 had a massive meltdown over fair entries. Not cool. I don't think he will do 4-H next year. I can't handle the meltdowns. School is bad enough, it's too much to do this all summer too.

He slammed the car door on DS8's foot. TG DS8 was wearing his sturdy shoes!! DS8 is sore but appears to be okay. We had to separate kids - I took DS8 out for a milkshake and cried most of the way home. It's bad when getting an opportunity to cry feels like a luxury.

 

[murphysranch]

He sure is difficult for you and his family. Is there a diagnosis? Meds?

My nephew was absolutely darling until he was about 6. Then he turned inside out. Sis got him on ADD meds and he transformed into a kid who was bearable - sorta. Then at 16, he refused any more meds.

He's now 35 and is thinking of going back on his meds. Prob going thru a divorce from an east Indian gal, who emasculates him verbally, even tho they now have a 2 year old and have been married for three years. She makes 2.4 times him, combined with his diagnosis decades ago, makes him one miserable man.

Hugs to you for the troubles of your man child.

 

[tortoise]

diagnosis? Meds?

Long list of diagnoses and 2 meds that don't do much.

We were stuck with a therapist who fixated on ADHD and study skills, but DS16's real problem is C-PTSD. He needs CBT and I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to get it for him since he was 8.

His symptom onset coincided with a significant GI illness that was never diagnosed (tests were "normal", but looking back the tests were inadequate). I wanted to take him to a functional medicine doctor to get some actual tests done, but DS16 has been lying about symptoms to cover for stealing so IDK. He has a long history of lying to doctors (denying or minimizing symptoms), so I'm not motivated to spend 5K - 10K on extensive testing. IDK what to do.

 

[tortoise]

Re: 5K-10K. Do I use it on medical testing now in hopes of uncovering a physical cause? Or do I hang onto it and cover rent (someplace far away) so he has a chance at not being homeless? That's the dilemma.

 

[flowerbug]

there are some people that just do not go through life easily.

do you ask him flat out about why he is lying or stealing?

 

[tortoise]

there are some people that just do not go through life easily.

do you ask him flat out about why he is lying or stealing?

He's doing it in attempt to regulate his emotions. He has some severely damaging core beliefs coming from his 4K school experience. He learned that if he knew more than his classmates, adults would dote on him. He has grown up believing that knowledge (as compared to others) and perfection (being more right than others) is social currency and required for social acceptance / relationships / love.

So he has grown up refusing to do anything I've taught him because then I would be right and he would be wrong (a.k.a. unloved, in his mind)

So he has adamantly refused to use any healthy strategies for emotional regulation.

🤦‍♀️

He desperately needs trauma-informed CBT. But providers see ADHD diagnosis, they interpret hypervigilance as being distracted. They see poor study skills, but it's anxiety from these damaging core beliefs - like that anything short of perfection is failure/rejection/terrifying. They see a behavioral disorder, but it's a kid who refuses to regulate his emotions in a healthy way because he thinks he would be unloved.

It's beyond aggravating. I can't even get a PTSD diagnosis. Closed we got is "stress-related disorder" Arrgh!

We're running out of time! I've been at this since he was in 5K. I am past exhausted. I'm infuriated at the gaslighting. "He's just a normal little boy." according to his teacher. Yeah, lady, normal 1st graders don't beg to stay home from school literally every day, do algebra, read at a middle school level, have tension headaches at school and come home after school puking every day. Uggh! I got the full copy of his medical record because I was planning to switch doctors for all this testing. I'm absolutely shocked by everything that's not right. Freaking blown away.

I'm so angry that I let people pressure me into enrolling him in 4K. It ruined his life.

I'm out of time to wait for others to see the light and listen to me. I started teaching him how to use affirmations. He has 7 related ones going now, such as "I can love myself even when other people know more than me." They cover most of his frequent triggers.

It's so frustrating. He has a problem that he can control simply by controlling his thought process for long enough to permanently alter it. Will he do it? No. Because that would require admitting that his thought process isn't perfect.

 

[tortoise]

In better news, today, for the first time, he was able to go back and identify and origin story for this core belief, and sit with the emotions for a little while instead of escaping (into fantasy, gaming, movies, stealing, binge eating, making weapons, or starting fires.) I don't think it was the actual origin story, but at least now he knows what if feels like to do this trauma work. And for the first time ever (maybe exaggerated?) his emotional meltdown wasn't focused on blaming me for literally everything. eehhhh, pretty sure first time ever. I didn't listen to the details of the origin story, but it was something that happened in public school, sounded like 4K or 5K.

 

[baymule]

I don’t even know how you cope with that. Soon he’ll be 18 and out of your control and influence. If he can’t get a grip on things before then, his future doesn’t look good. I know this worries you. I think you are utterly amazing in all that you have done thus far. You are a fighter and refuse to give up on him. I am in awe of you and all the things you keep him involved in, trying to teach him proper social skills.

 

[murphysranch]

Re: 5K-10K. Do I use it on medical testing now in hopes of uncovering a physical cause? Or do I hang onto it and cover rent (someplace far away) so he has a chance at not being homeless? That's the dilemma.

Hang onto the money. You will need it when he's really floundering as an adult. Ask me how I know....DD was homeless and a crack addict and the money we set aside for her college, was used to help her survive until she got a grip on life.