Frustratedearthmother's Journaling Journey
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baymule
Sustainability Master
I’ve written a lot and deleted it. Words just aren’t enough.
tortoise
Wild Hare
Same. 😔
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frustratedearthmother
Sustainability Master
I appreciate the thoughts ya'll. There truly are no words. I do ok when I have to. I can hold a conversation and mostly get through it. But, that doesn't make up for the times when I can't hold back. Driving alone in the car - screaming and crying until I'm beyond hoarse and exhausted. I wake up in the middle of the night with my pillow wet from tears that I don't even know I'm crying.
Okaying the removal of the breathing tube and the discontinuance of the blood pressure meds is something I would never wish on anyone. Telling her how much we loved her, telling her we'd take care of her children, telling her that it was ok to go - things a mother never thinks she will say to her child. Holding her hand and feeling her pulse slow and finally stop as she left us was unbearable beyond words. Her heart didn't want to quit...it was so strong until the very end. Her husband left the room then, but according to the docs it isn't over until the blood pressure drops. I stayed until the last minute. I stayed until they conducted their tests and finally pronounced her dead. I try to find some solace knowing that I was with her for her first breath and with her for her last.
She was in the hospital for 35 days and most of that time in the Liver ICU. She had captured the hearts of the staff with her vivacious, outgoing and loving spirit and they all felt it. So many of the docs and nurses had tears in their eyes and several of her nurses were openly crying. The doc that "pronounced" her had so many tears that she called out the wrong time. She had to wipe her eyes and correct herself.
It wasn't supposed to end this way.
Okaying the removal of the breathing tube and the discontinuance of the blood pressure meds is something I would never wish on anyone. Telling her how much we loved her, telling her we'd take care of her children, telling her that it was ok to go - things a mother never thinks she will say to her child. Holding her hand and feeling her pulse slow and finally stop as she left us was unbearable beyond words. Her heart didn't want to quit...it was so strong until the very end. Her husband left the room then, but according to the docs it isn't over until the blood pressure drops. I stayed until the last minute. I stayed until they conducted their tests and finally pronounced her dead. I try to find some solace knowing that I was with her for her first breath and with her for her last.
She was in the hospital for 35 days and most of that time in the Liver ICU. She had captured the hearts of the staff with her vivacious, outgoing and loving spirit and they all felt it. So many of the docs and nurses had tears in their eyes and several of her nurses were openly crying. The doc that "pronounced" her had so many tears that she called out the wrong time. She had to wipe her eyes and correct herself.
It wasn't supposed to end this way.
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frustratedearthmother
Sustainability Master
The above concludes the grieving portion of my journal.
Goats and horses took advantage of my 5 weeks of inattention to exercise their rights to be naughty. I have a horse who should have been named 'bulldozer.' She will literally put her shoulder into a stock panel and push until the staples pop out and she gets where she wants to be. Shame on her. Thankfully these are interior fences - not perimeter fences. Going to be forced to think about a solution. The cedar posts I use don't seem to hold staples very well. Maybe I should try some longer ones. I find myself using hay string or spare wire or whatever I can find to patch them. I need to stop patching and start doing a correct fix. If the heat would ever break I'd feel more like it. (I'm thinking I'm going to need to put the electric fence back in service) Sitting in AC every day, all day for so long has totally sucked away any heat tolerance that I previously had. However, with this type of heat it's not safe to be outside working any other time than early morning or late evening. I'm going to have to modify my routine so that I can get some necessary chores done.
Also need to start thinking about a fall garden.
Goats and horses took advantage of my 5 weeks of inattention to exercise their rights to be naughty. I have a horse who should have been named 'bulldozer.' She will literally put her shoulder into a stock panel and push until the staples pop out and she gets where she wants to be. Shame on her. Thankfully these are interior fences - not perimeter fences. Going to be forced to think about a solution. The cedar posts I use don't seem to hold staples very well. Maybe I should try some longer ones. I find myself using hay string or spare wire or whatever I can find to patch them. I need to stop patching and start doing a correct fix. If the heat would ever break I'd feel more like it. (I'm thinking I'm going to need to put the electric fence back in service) Sitting in AC every day, all day for so long has totally sucked away any heat tolerance that I previously had. However, with this type of heat it's not safe to be outside working any other time than early morning or late evening. I'm going to have to modify my routine so that I can get some necessary chores done.
Also need to start thinking about a fall garden.
murphysranch
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I have tears in my eyes. I screamed in the car when I had to put down my bestest ever Cattle Dog, Titan, 2.5 years ago. Not the same, I know, but the negatives of energy and emotion have to be released, and screaming and crying is the way to get it out of our body.
Moving on - I too need to think about a fall garden. Its a PITA to go drag up a shelf and lights from the shop up to my office. Sigh...
Moving on - I too need to think about a fall garden. Its a PITA to go drag up a shelf and lights from the shop up to my office. Sigh...
The Porch
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Oh dear sweet friend, at reading this I cant breath,
If I could take your pain I would
I am keeping each one of you in my prayers daily
my heart is with you all through my day
Your grandchildren need you I am sure,
baymule
Sustainability Master
I totally understand. Grief is a deeply painful and private process. It’s not for public display. You have beautiful grandchildren and they need you, you need them. Your daughter lives! She is there-in her children.
Now about that sneaky horse!! Can you reverse what side the panels are on?
Now about that sneaky horse!! Can you reverse what side the panels are on?
flowerbug
Super Self-Sufficient
i understand having to let it out, to scream into a pillow if you can't get away to the open space or the car.
after one time at work i said, "Excuse me for a few minutes." and i went outsde and across the big parking lot to the railing along the canal and screamed "Arrrggg!" i don't know if anyone heard me or not. felt better - quit not too long after.
after one time at work i said, "Excuse me for a few minutes." and i went outsde and across the big parking lot to the railing along the canal and screamed "Arrrggg!" i don't know if anyone heard me or not. felt better - quit not too long after.
The Porch
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Good Morning!!!
I hope you got your fencing all fix this week and that the heat backed off so you could get stuff done.
animals are powerful boy howdy! i guess there was a video my DH told me about this brainless guy decided he was going to ride a bison in Yellowstone park 😱 I didnt watch it,,,, oh my goodness hahahaha
So many have the lowest water tables they have EVER had this year and have run dry ponds and wells, We have been very carful here with our usage.
Well, sun is peeking up, rooster wants out,
know we all are praying for you,
🤗 Becky
I hope you got your fencing all fix this week and that the heat backed off so you could get stuff done.
animals are powerful boy howdy! i guess there was a video my DH told me about this brainless guy decided he was going to ride a bison in Yellowstone park 😱 I didnt watch it,,,, oh my goodness hahahaha
So many have the lowest water tables they have EVER had this year and have run dry ponds and wells, We have been very carful here with our usage.
Well, sun is peeking up, rooster wants out,
know we all are praying for you,
🤗 Becky
