Help? I don't want to hurt my husbands feelings....

[TanksHill]

OK so some of you know I have been desperate to save for a fence. I live in a kinda rural city. Which means I have about two acres surrounded by neighbors. If I wish to add animals or free range my chickens I must install 500 ft of 6 foot high chain link. Were talking at a cost of aprox 5k.

So my husband asked me what I wanted fr Christmas this year and I told him. A fence!!! He came home the other day with a large box and put it under the tree. He was very excited and proud of himself.

This morning while paying bills and organizing my check book I noticed how much $$ he spent. I allmost fainted. its about 1/3 the cost of my fence. I know he was very proud of his gift idea and excited he bought me somthing I "need". But I want a fence................

What do I do pretend like I did not see it, go through the Christmas motions and then return it? This is kind of a prime example of how we live in different worlds. I am so tring to do everything I can to scale back. While he likes to live big. Of course I would love costly gifts and fancy new stuff but I really think my fence needs to come first.

Help, what do I do? g

 

[miss_thenorth]

I would have to say nip it in the bud now. I am not one for mincing words, so "I" would tell him--"I said fence--not <insert whatever> You should know me better than that. "-- have a bit of an argument that results in his understanding you want to SAVE money and want PRACTICAL things, and then afterwards, there will be peace in the world once more.

Anywaysssss. That is what I would do.

 

[poppycat]

I dunno, if he is really pleased with himself for buying it... I'm only saying this because i have been in your situation where my DH spent quite a bit of money buying me something I didn't really want. So of course I opened my big mouth and told him and seemed ok at the time, gift was returned and the money was repurposed. Turns out his feelings were really hurt. He had spent lots of time shopping (something he HATES) and bought me a luxury item that he felt was a token of how much he loved me, and then I basically threw it back in his face.

I still feel really bad about it six years later. If I had it all to do over again I'd have kept my mouth shut, said thank you, and appreciated the gift.

 

[Dace]

That is a really hard one, I guess it depends on your history.

For me I have pointed out year after year that my beloved did not get me the item I requested.....leading to hurt feelings so I have decided that it is better to grin and bear it.

So, if you can have the conversation without hurt feelings then go for it...otherwise wait until Christmas and see what crazy thing your hubby came up with then decide how to proceed

 

[DrakeMaiden]

Do you know where the money was spent? I mean so you can rule out that it has anything to do with building a fence? Well, ok, you probably would know if it did.

I'd be upset, but since it is Christmas I think you might want to wait to open it before you say anything. Of course, maybe you could just say, "geeee, I really hope Santa delivers a fence this year" or something silly. Or you could start singing, "All I want for Christmas is a chain link fence." LOL

Once you know what it is, then you should probably have that serious coversation about needs vs. wants. I, personally, would wait until the day after Christmas to tell him you were going to exchange it or whatever you decide to do.

I hope you get your fence!

 

[punkin]

TH,

That is a tough one. Maybe you could ask him how he could fit a big ole' fence in such a small box.

On the other hand, maybe it is something you would like even more than a fence.

One Christmas, early in our marraige, I told my DH I wanted a computer. He put this big box under the tree. I could hardly wait for Christmas Morning. I was so excited opening the box to find a



vaccuum cleaner. Sure, I could use one, but for Christmas? He could tell I was disappointed so a few days later, I got the computer.

Maybe you could pull a string or something were you want your fence to be. Show it to your DH and say something like "We'll have some digging to do after Christmas since that's what I want this year."

 

[reinbeau]

I dunno, if he is really pleased with himself for buying it... I'm only saying this because i have been in your situation where my DH spent quite a bit of money buying me something I didn't really want. So of course I opened my big mouth and told him and seemed ok at the time, gift was returned and the money was repurposed. Turns out his feelings were really hurt. He had spent lots of time shopping (something he HATES) and bought me a luxury item that he felt was a token of how much he loved me, and then I basically threw it back in his face.

I still feel really bad about it six years later. If I had it all to do over again I'd have kept my mouth shut, said thank you, and appreciated the gift.

I'm with Poppycat. I'm all for being practical, but feelings matter, and if he thought really hard about something he believes you would just love (if you weren't so practical) then you're going to really hurt his feelings - and I'm sorry, that isn't worth a fence. There are other ways and times to get that fence. Discuss your needs with him after Christmas, figure out how you can get that fence, which is, after all, a property improvement, not a diamond ring, and plan on installing it this spring. It shouldn't have anything to do with a heartfelt gift. But that's JMHO.

 

[FarmerChick]

again, this is just my opinion.

I wouldn't say anything. I know, let him spend his big bucks on WHAT he thinks is a great present for you. Open it on Christmas and smile and coo and be thankful you have a great husband.......then keep pushing the fence! You will eventually be heard.....or drive him to a fence company and start picking one out. If you saved the money for it, then it is time to buy it right? LOL...he will jump on board about your fence.

But I did the same. So many times I criticized Tony's presents and YES it hurts feelings.

People buy presents as gifts. They do it from their heart to show what they want you to have ya know......everything isn't practical. Sometimes a gift is just that, a gift for you from him. (I have to remember that too...LOL)

 

[TanksHill]

Thank you all very much, yes his feelings are very important. He is very touchy on the subject of gift giving. I will admit I think its a new sewing machine and I would love to keep it. But that makes me feel a bit selfish and indulgent.

I guess I will just have to bite the bullet and love it. I am sure I can live without my fence a bit longer. Besides I guess if he caves and agrees to move to the country somewhere the new sewing machine will go with but the fence will have to stay behind.

I think in his mind a fence is not a gift "for me". Its more of a house item, kinda like that vacume.
I should just be quite and appreciate him more.

 

[Bebop]

Another thing to think about is, what if it's not what you think it is, or if he maybe got confused about the kind of fence you wanted.
Maybe he wasn't sure how much you wanted to cover exactly, it could just be the beginnings of a fence.
I say wait until Christmas to see what it is, like everyone else

>^.^<