calendula
Lovin' The Homestead
I hear you on that one Pat! When my boys are growing through growth spirts, they will outeat my husband even!patandchickens said:
Kids or No Kids? How did you know?
- Thread starter aggieterpkatie
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aggieterpkatie
Swiss Army Wife
Yeah....DSS is 8 and some days I wonder if he will EVER stop eating!!! I swear we're going to be in trouble when he gets to be a teen!
And Pat, I hear ya on the "staining" thing! Boy oh boy they can be messy! People around here don't allow pets in rental houses...I say pets do less damage than children!!! We need to repaint ALL our walls because our paint now is a flat paint and you can't wash the walls or the paint will come off! I'm sick of fingerprints!
And Pat, I hear ya on the "staining" thing! Boy oh boy they can be messy! People around here don't allow pets in rental houses...I say pets do less damage than children!!! We need to repaint ALL our walls because our paint now is a flat paint and you can't wash the walls or the paint will come off! I'm sick of fingerprints!
Wannabefree
Little Miss Sunshine
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Sheesh, sounds like the only difference is instead of another "mom" mine had their grandmother that always made it difficult between me and the kids. She was their "other mom" that I have to share them with all the time and they prefer her because they get to do whatever they want over there.aggieterpkatie said:It's definitely interesting hearing the mens' point of views. My DH has 2 kids, obviously by a previous relationship and both of them were young. She was very young. We have talked about having kids before, of course, and I always was on the fence and said maybe one day "in a few years" I'd be more interested. He was always "maybe, but leaning more towards no". He's now pretty sure it's a no for him, and I'm still not sure. I don't really think it's quite fair of him to make the "no" decision seeing as how we're currently raising HIS two children, and what if I want my *own* child one day? Yes, I know they're my stepchildren, but when their mom has them half the time it's not like I'm their only "mom". I have a feeling things would be much different if she was out of the picture all together, but I have no interest in trying to take her place or anything....so on one hand I have to love them like my own but on the other hand they're not mine. How's that for complicated?We're just taking things one day at a time and if I ever make the decision that I do definitely want to have a child, he'll either want one or not. If not, well, then we'll have some issues.
DH did the same "no" thing to me as well. He still doesn't want any more, and for now I am thankful of that, but I always wonder...well what if I DID actually want more?! It is unfair for him to just make the decision for the both of you. It does leave a bitter taste knowing that he has his, and for whatever the reason may be, doesn't mind taking that option away from you. I feel the same way. I did want more until these two hit teen years and turned me against any wanting more
Life is so complicated in a blended family :/ I think it makes these kind of feelings harder to sort out, and relationships often feel strained for various reasons. At least that has been my experience.
It is frustrating. Here's you a great one to ponder. DH INSISTS we homeschool. DD HATES homeschool and fights every move tooth and nail. Guess who is the "teacher" and who gets the blame for anything going wrong?
I keep telling myself...only 4 more years, only 4 more years, only 4 more years... lwheelr
Lovin' The Homestead
Religiously, I believe that the commandment to Multiply and Replenish the Earth has never been rescinded. So some of my feelings on the topic come from that. I like big families - even after having done it, and YES I even liked my teenagers, even though they were challenging. Being a mom is the best, most fun thing I've ever done, and I have no regrets. We sent productive frugal members of society out into the world, and that is not a bad thing.
I also believe that the REASON having children is good is BECAUSE it makes us have to be less selfish. We become more capable of contributing to the world in more compassionate ways - we come to understand people in a way that we just never have the motivation to bother with otherwise. I WANT to grow, and be stretched beyond what I'd normally choose. I like that being a parent makes me face myself, in all my good and ill, and to work on those weaknesses and problems, to become a better person. I think that every child I have had has given me far more than they've taken, and I've become better because of them. Each one has given me something unique and precious, all their own. Laughter, tears, conflict, growth, learning, love, sacrifice, and effort. OOOH so worth it.
The thing about a big family is that you don't have seven kids all at once. You have them one at a time, and your capacity grows with them. Your capacity to love, organize, manage, cope, and even afford it all, expands with each baby. So the person I became as a mother of seven was very different than the person I was as a mother of two. I liked that wiser person better.
I have never had an abundance of patience with other people's kids. Oh, I was an ok babysitter, Sunday school teacher, etc, and I liked kids in general ok, but I had a hard time really loving other people's kids. My own were totally different. Simply no comparison.
When Kevin and I married, he wanted two kids, I wanted six. We compromised and thought four sounded good. Well, we ended up with seven, all close together (10 years and 2 months between the first and the seventh, and we had lost one in the middle). I figured I was done. Pregnancy was very difficult for me (nine month morning sickness, constant arthritis pain, severe muscle fatigue, daily migraines, etc), childbirth was torture, and only the sweet babies kept me able to endure it. When I gave birth to Alexander, I knew I was done. Two weeks later, I decided to clean out the stored baby clothes and give away the girl clothes. And I couldn't do it. I FELT myself being asked a question... Do you want to do this again? I felt that either way was ok. But that maybe what the Lord wanted US to do, was to have a few more - I kept hearing the last lines to The Road Not Taken cycling in my mind and knew that was my answer. Maybe there was more growth for us than I had thought.
It took six years before my husband wanted another. And then 18 months of miscarrying to get pregnant with our precious daughter, who died in my arms 18 minutes after she was born. The most cheerful, joyful, loving soul whom I have ever had the privilege to encounter (and as a side note, the healthiest, most pain-free pregnancy I'd ever had). I could not regret her, only that I had so little time with her. I felt that she came to prepare the way for someone else. I miscarried for almost six years before getting one to stick, and it honestly happened at the WORST possible time financially and logistically!
I'm old. I feel like Abraham's Sarah from the Bible. I have gray hair (which, interestingly enough, is getting LESS gray as this pregnancy progresses!). I turned 47 at 5 months pregnant.
Turns out there isn't just one baby in there. There are two. So I'll be having twins at about the same time my children are having their babies. My babies will have a niece who is older than they are. I don't feel wonderful about all of THAT, but what I do feel good about is one simple concept:
I don't feel these babies are a burden. I feel they are a solution to problems I've wanted to solve and never knew how. I believe these children will bring with them the circumstances that put us in a position to accomplish things we would not accomplish without them.
For one thing, this pregnancy has healed me one by one of the health issues that I struggled with prior to getting pregnant. I no longer have significant issues with Crohn's Disease, my arthritis is all but gone, I no longer have pre-diabetes. It is HARD - probably the hardest thing I've ever done, keeping those babies alive in there. But it is good, and it is giving me more than it is costing me.
For another, it is changing Kevin already, because of how these babies respond to him. None of our kids EVER kicked when he put his hand on my stomach. These kids do - we can already feel that they respond to their Daddy. That is precious to him.
In many ways, we are completely starting over. New babies, new location, new occupation. Kind of scary, but also exciting and fun. Not where I had planned on being at this stage of my life, but a good place to be anyway. Better, I think, than planning to retire and get old. That sounds pretty boring, actually.
So, when we moved to Texas, we had to leave most of our furniture and a good many possessions behind. That, combined with the long time between my last surviving baby (who is now 14), and these two, means I have literally NOTHING for these babies (except a package of onesies that we bought for Sidney, and only used the one that was put on under her burial dress). We have to move again, and I'm waiting until then before getting things, but we decided to walk through the Baby aisle at the local department store the other day.
I am just shocked at all the STUFF people seem to think is necessary for babies now. We NEED two carseats, a crib, diapers and clothes, bottles (since I won't be able to nurse one of them - long story), blankets, and that is about it. We DON'T need a swing, a nursery monitor, a bumbo chair, a baby seat, a crib mobile, a nursing pillow, or any of the STUFF that people now think they just have to have for a baby. We do need a sheep or goat to milk for the baby, since I WON'T buy formula.
It was just so fun to go down that aisle saying, "We don't need THAT, and we don't need THAT, and we'd NEVER need THAT!". And all of raising children is like that, when you isolate what they actually need, most people are spending ten times what they need to for each child they raise.
Being mom to all these kids is just the best thing I've ever done. Even the one that had Fetal Drug Effect (from health issues during that pregnancy), and put us through quite a bit, was still rewarding and enjoyable most of the time. I don't know that I'd VOLUNTEER for that again, but I know I could do it and we would be ok.
So now, as my sister faces difficulties that may require a home for three of her daughters, we unhesitatingly offer. Because we know that three more kids will definitely be a huge responsibility, but we also know that we CAN do it, and that they NEED us to. And that our family will surely benefit from it if we just step up and do it.
Kids are the future. There's no better way to help the world - people, and the earth - than to raise responsible and loving children who can go and make it a better place.
I also believe that the REASON having children is good is BECAUSE it makes us have to be less selfish. We become more capable of contributing to the world in more compassionate ways - we come to understand people in a way that we just never have the motivation to bother with otherwise. I WANT to grow, and be stretched beyond what I'd normally choose. I like that being a parent makes me face myself, in all my good and ill, and to work on those weaknesses and problems, to become a better person. I think that every child I have had has given me far more than they've taken, and I've become better because of them. Each one has given me something unique and precious, all their own. Laughter, tears, conflict, growth, learning, love, sacrifice, and effort. OOOH so worth it.
The thing about a big family is that you don't have seven kids all at once. You have them one at a time, and your capacity grows with them. Your capacity to love, organize, manage, cope, and even afford it all, expands with each baby. So the person I became as a mother of seven was very different than the person I was as a mother of two. I liked that wiser person better.
I have never had an abundance of patience with other people's kids. Oh, I was an ok babysitter, Sunday school teacher, etc, and I liked kids in general ok, but I had a hard time really loving other people's kids. My own were totally different. Simply no comparison.
When Kevin and I married, he wanted two kids, I wanted six. We compromised and thought four sounded good. Well, we ended up with seven, all close together (10 years and 2 months between the first and the seventh, and we had lost one in the middle). I figured I was done. Pregnancy was very difficult for me (nine month morning sickness, constant arthritis pain, severe muscle fatigue, daily migraines, etc), childbirth was torture, and only the sweet babies kept me able to endure it. When I gave birth to Alexander, I knew I was done. Two weeks later, I decided to clean out the stored baby clothes and give away the girl clothes. And I couldn't do it. I FELT myself being asked a question... Do you want to do this again? I felt that either way was ok. But that maybe what the Lord wanted US to do, was to have a few more - I kept hearing the last lines to The Road Not Taken cycling in my mind and knew that was my answer. Maybe there was more growth for us than I had thought.
It took six years before my husband wanted another. And then 18 months of miscarrying to get pregnant with our precious daughter, who died in my arms 18 minutes after she was born. The most cheerful, joyful, loving soul whom I have ever had the privilege to encounter (and as a side note, the healthiest, most pain-free pregnancy I'd ever had). I could not regret her, only that I had so little time with her. I felt that she came to prepare the way for someone else. I miscarried for almost six years before getting one to stick, and it honestly happened at the WORST possible time financially and logistically!
I'm old. I feel like Abraham's Sarah from the Bible. I have gray hair (which, interestingly enough, is getting LESS gray as this pregnancy progresses!). I turned 47 at 5 months pregnant.
Turns out there isn't just one baby in there. There are two. So I'll be having twins at about the same time my children are having their babies. My babies will have a niece who is older than they are. I don't feel wonderful about all of THAT, but what I do feel good about is one simple concept:
I don't feel these babies are a burden. I feel they are a solution to problems I've wanted to solve and never knew how. I believe these children will bring with them the circumstances that put us in a position to accomplish things we would not accomplish without them.
For one thing, this pregnancy has healed me one by one of the health issues that I struggled with prior to getting pregnant. I no longer have significant issues with Crohn's Disease, my arthritis is all but gone, I no longer have pre-diabetes. It is HARD - probably the hardest thing I've ever done, keeping those babies alive in there. But it is good, and it is giving me more than it is costing me.
For another, it is changing Kevin already, because of how these babies respond to him. None of our kids EVER kicked when he put his hand on my stomach. These kids do - we can already feel that they respond to their Daddy. That is precious to him.
In many ways, we are completely starting over. New babies, new location, new occupation. Kind of scary, but also exciting and fun. Not where I had planned on being at this stage of my life, but a good place to be anyway. Better, I think, than planning to retire and get old. That sounds pretty boring, actually.
So, when we moved to Texas, we had to leave most of our furniture and a good many possessions behind. That, combined with the long time between my last surviving baby (who is now 14), and these two, means I have literally NOTHING for these babies (except a package of onesies that we bought for Sidney, and only used the one that was put on under her burial dress). We have to move again, and I'm waiting until then before getting things, but we decided to walk through the Baby aisle at the local department store the other day.
I am just shocked at all the STUFF people seem to think is necessary for babies now. We NEED two carseats, a crib, diapers and clothes, bottles (since I won't be able to nurse one of them - long story), blankets, and that is about it. We DON'T need a swing, a nursery monitor, a bumbo chair, a baby seat, a crib mobile, a nursing pillow, or any of the STUFF that people now think they just have to have for a baby. We do need a sheep or goat to milk for the baby, since I WON'T buy formula.
It was just so fun to go down that aisle saying, "We don't need THAT, and we don't need THAT, and we'd NEVER need THAT!". And all of raising children is like that, when you isolate what they actually need, most people are spending ten times what they need to for each child they raise.
Being mom to all these kids is just the best thing I've ever done. Even the one that had Fetal Drug Effect (from health issues during that pregnancy), and put us through quite a bit, was still rewarding and enjoyable most of the time. I don't know that I'd VOLUNTEER for that again, but I know I could do it and we would be ok.
So now, as my sister faces difficulties that may require a home for three of her daughters, we unhesitatingly offer. Because we know that three more kids will definitely be a huge responsibility, but we also know that we CAN do it, and that they NEED us to. And that our family will surely benefit from it if we just step up and do it.
Kids are the future. There's no better way to help the world - people, and the earth - than to raise responsible and loving children who can go and make it a better place.
Wifezilla
Low-Carb Queen - RIP: 1963-2021
Unplanned children CAN be a problem. It's not the kid itself, it is the situation, lack of resources, etc. More kids would have been a big problem for hubby and I after Max. So we did "take care of the problem" by having hubby get a vasectomy. I think you are naturally really sensitive to this because of your struggle. Very understandable, but I doubt the family member meant any offense.
miss_thenorth
Frugal Homesteader
Very well said
edited twice b/c I couldn't copy and paste properly
abifae
Abinormal Butterfly
I wish I could believe that. But if wishes were fishes...lwheelr said:
I know very few people who are less selfish due to kids. Most parents I knew growing up would take from their kids to meet their own needs. I know a lot of parents getting support from an ex who spend that money on toys for themselves while their kids wear battered clothes and go hungry.
lwheelr
Lovin' The Homestead
Like all things in life, some people will "get" it, and some never will.
lwheelr
Lovin' The Homestead
Just to clarify, NOT an insult about your comment, Abi, just a statement that some parents will never get it.
gettinaclue
Almost Self-Reliant
I never wanted children when I was growing up. I thought they were icky, weird, drooly things that would scream and cry randomly and I didn't want to have anything to do with them.
I always felt weird not wanting them when all the girls I grew up around would talk about how they couldn't wait to grow up and get mairried and have kids and a house and yada yada yada. I never wanted any of that. I wanted to get the heck out of small town America and look around a bit.
I ended up getting married to my first husband when I got pregnant (birth control failed) still living in small town America. I lost the baby naturally (though would have had the baby if I could have) and found out that I would never have children of my own. I can still quote the Dr...."There's a one in a million chance you will ever get pregnant and a one in a billion chance you will ever carry full term." It was tramatic for me, even though I didn't have the "natural" urge to have any of my own - I eventually came to terms with it and moved on. Looking back now, it was for the best. I was not ready for children, didn't want to be married to him or to any one else, didn't want to live in small town America and didn't know what I wanted out of life.
After I got out of small town America, and began to know myself better, I met my second (current) husband, and after we had dated a couple of months, I just remember looking at him and thinking "I want to have children with him." I can not tell you any logical thought that led to this. I can honestly say - it struck me from out of the blue and it took me some time to come to terms with my WANTING to have a baby - WANTING to have children. It was a totally alien thought.
My DH always knew he would have them. He had always wanted them. After about year or more of being together, we discussed adoption. I told him point blank that I couldn't have children and if he wanted to be with me and have a family, he really needed to consider if he could raise another man's baby as his own. We began to talk about adoption quite seriously and then I got pregnant with my DD - now 13. I was over the moon excited and out of my mind scared. DH - at the time DBF - didn't talk to me at all for a week - and barely uttered a word to me for a month. We have discussed this in the years since and he said because we were talking of having children as an EVENTUALITY - and then all of the sudden it wasn't an eventuality - it was imminent and he wasn't prepared for that. I could say a lot about this, but I was stop here.
I decided after DD was born, that I wasn't going to have anymore (for reasons I won't go into now) and I could tell he was upset about it. But honestly, I could not have handled another. When DD was 5, I told DH that I would like to have another baby and he was over the moon excited and we began trying. DS was born 2 years later.
We are very blessed to have both of our children, though I'm sure we would have adopted if I had not become pregnant.
I sometimes get the urge to have another - but being around a baby cures that quick enough LOL.
I always felt weird not wanting them when all the girls I grew up around would talk about how they couldn't wait to grow up and get mairried and have kids and a house and yada yada yada. I never wanted any of that. I wanted to get the heck out of small town America and look around a bit.
I ended up getting married to my first husband when I got pregnant (birth control failed) still living in small town America. I lost the baby naturally (though would have had the baby if I could have) and found out that I would never have children of my own. I can still quote the Dr...."There's a one in a million chance you will ever get pregnant and a one in a billion chance you will ever carry full term." It was tramatic for me, even though I didn't have the "natural" urge to have any of my own - I eventually came to terms with it and moved on. Looking back now, it was for the best. I was not ready for children, didn't want to be married to him or to any one else, didn't want to live in small town America and didn't know what I wanted out of life.
After I got out of small town America, and began to know myself better, I met my second (current) husband, and after we had dated a couple of months, I just remember looking at him and thinking "I want to have children with him." I can not tell you any logical thought that led to this. I can honestly say - it struck me from out of the blue and it took me some time to come to terms with my WANTING to have a baby - WANTING to have children. It was a totally alien thought.
My DH always knew he would have them. He had always wanted them. After about year or more of being together, we discussed adoption. I told him point blank that I couldn't have children and if he wanted to be with me and have a family, he really needed to consider if he could raise another man's baby as his own. We began to talk about adoption quite seriously and then I got pregnant with my DD - now 13. I was over the moon excited and out of my mind scared. DH - at the time DBF - didn't talk to me at all for a week - and barely uttered a word to me for a month. We have discussed this in the years since and he said because we were talking of having children as an EVENTUALITY - and then all of the sudden it wasn't an eventuality - it was imminent and he wasn't prepared for that. I could say a lot about this, but I was stop here.
I decided after DD was born, that I wasn't going to have anymore (for reasons I won't go into now) and I could tell he was upset about it. But honestly, I could not have handled another. When DD was 5, I told DH that I would like to have another baby and he was over the moon excited and we began trying. DS was born 2 years later.
We are very blessed to have both of our children, though I'm sure we would have adopted if I had not become pregnant.
I sometimes get the urge to have another - but being around a baby cures that quick enough LOL.
