I marvel at the responses to the problem and the approach. It is interesting to note that there are some people who equate "sexual frustration" as "NOT enough sex" Obviously the understanding of how a man feels or thinks does NOT enter into their lexicon.
It's simply moronic to assume a man isn't getting enough sex in his marriage because he views internet porn. Measuring by that yardstick, every frustrated woman who lives with an impotent man should be porning it up every day.
I also find it interesting that no one made any attempt to consider the issue of depression, and hates his job...all of which are similar issues along with sexual frustration. But then this is not what most folks experience. Certainly, we have a member here who has a deep concern about her husband and the resultant effects on her children. We have gotten a huge flaming response by a few whose experiences have been, shall we say, less than ideal in life.
So, how come no one even attempts to look at both sides of the issue?
It is also interesting to notice the reaction of women who find out that a man has looked at porn. Why do men look at that? Perhaps there is an explanation that defies the obvious response from a woman. Is it because she is insecure about her own appearance or that her reaction to him looking at her is somehow negative? One response was at least objective.
If he is sexually frustrated, he needs to talk about it and compromise with his significant other, not steal away to his computer to watch porn. THAT is what is wrong about it.
How many women are actually prepared to discuss such a topic objectively though? If that was the case, the men would probably respond because the initial assumption is that the man loves THAT woman, not the one on the "computer" Of course there is the failure of intimacy between couples that really isn't necessarily about sex. Unfortunately, in this series of responses, not one of them manages to entertain the concept of intimacy as something other than sex. OK, so when was the last time both partners actually sat down and talked about stuff that "REALLY MATTERS" in their lives. What they really want or need from the other person? I guess in any resolution of conflict "you catch more flies with honey, rather than vinegar" is a good analogy.
Funny how it's always the woman's fault.
Many of the responses allude to "fault. Why do we assume that "fault" is a functional approach to dealing with a problem of conflict? In any unsatisfactory interaction between people, both must acknowledge their contribution to the conflict. I do not suggest that a man has no "fault" but I also do not assume that the woman makes no contribution of fault. From the sound of many responses, many have had multiple failed relationships. Is there possibly a pattern here?
It is also interesting to examine the "courting ritual" of the American Society as it is now. How many folks really give a good look at the other person in terms of their skills in a relationship and in life in general for that matter? My guess is that now a day, folks use their endocrine system to make their marital partner decision without giving any examination to the issues that make a relationship viable.
And my gosh, you CANNOT have a conversation with him, he has zero interest in participating in either social or goal-oriented conversation
Whether I should have realized this when I married him and it serves me right
How many women actually see a guy do something outside the "date"? I'll bet not many actually watched him cook or ate a meal he prepared. Most folks put more effort into selecting an automobile than they put into selecting a mate. How many men actually get to know what a woman thinks or has skills to maintain a relationship before they marry? How many women critically look at the man's skills for relationship before they marry? One good look at the other's ability to resolve conflict before marriage would probably stop a lot of folks before they get all the way to the altar.
If you want to know what a person is like, why not look at their parents? What kind of relationship do they have? How do they interact? How do they resolve conflict...even minor ones?
The reason I say that is because this is the role model the prospective spouse has had for their entire lives (in most cases) and that is what they know best. Many responses tell of what kind of person their father was. Who taught their father to be a MAN? Who taught their mother to be a woman? Look inward before assessing blame.
Interestingly as I said above, no one bothers to look at depression as a source of the issues. How has a marriage partner changed since the marriage? Do they have the same hobbies and joys they shared before the marriage? Do they seem like they get enough sleep? Do they feel guilty about things? There are a list of items which indicate the presence of depression and knowing what they are can help understand changes in behaviour. Certainly, if you want to marry someone, you want to experience their joy...what happens when that begins to erode? Do you still want to be around them?
Women are hardwired to require security, and men appear to be hardwired to require freedom. These can be wide interpretations but they do work. Women want a man to provide for them and give them a secure environment. Be honest and look at that concept.
Some women don't want a man for security, they just want him for "whatever they need at the time" and that can be money, love, sex (yes, they are different), support or just plain biologic advantage. I know of one woman who left a guy she really loved, to marry and have children with a guy she didn't love but who had "good genes" and a good family background. Now she wants to live with the man she loved all that time (who married someone else) and doesn't understand why he won't just leave his wife and "marry her". But she is angry with the fact that now that she is divorced, she has no security and can't expect it from the man who she wants to live with and is still married. Kind of a weird approach isn't it?
So, as you can see, the issues are many and complex. Where will they all be resolved? Who knows, but the best attempt is to be honest. If you always tell the truth, you only have to remember one story (Mark Twain)
