Quail_Antwerp
Cold is on the Right, Hot is on The Left
pat, I'm not sure what your beliefs are, but the only help I really have to offer is to lift up you and yours in prayer. If that is OK with you.
opinions?
- Thread starter patandchickens
- Start date
- Thread starter
- #52
patandchickens
Crazy Cat Lady
'Sfine with me, QA, and thank you 
Pat
Pat
me&thegals
A Major Squash & Pumpkin Lover
Pat, I have been thinking on this one for days. I'm going to finally post. Let me first say that you are quite possibly the person I admire most on this forum, so if my opinion is in any way offensive, it is not intended in that tone at all.
I think there has been good advice give all around. You ask for help with raising your kids, but a family cannot really be divided so neatly. You are all tied together, and your marriage cannot be separated from your childrearing. As the child of a once-failed marriage, I can tell you that they are inseparable.
My first concern is what I see as a lack of respect for your husband. Quite possibly/probably (I don't know him) he deserves it, but I think it would be very harmful for your children to sense that. In our more gender-conscious present , we are concerned about women being disrespected by men, but it's equally critical men not be disrespected by women. It wasn't until I had a son of my own that I really started to see how disrespectfully I could talk about men. It just seemed amusing, until I thought about having certain comments applied to women and how unacceptable I would find that.
So, if you think you're not showing that at all, that's great. Perhaps the "rant" is unique and you would never give any sense of that to your boys.
As for your boys, how about getting them around as many great role models as possible? I have a friend who doesn't consider her husband to be a great role model, so she requested the male kindergarten teacher for her kids. How about other family members, other people in your community, neighbors? Do you have a Boys Club or other organization where boys can pair up with men for learning/activities/role modeling? How about Boy Scouts, 4H or other places where involved dads are present? Even sports might be a place to learn values you want for them.
And, even though their dad may not be your idea of an ideal role model, you can still set a high standard for them, of honesty, respect, hard work, whatever you value most. If YOU demand it of them, they will get the message loud and clear.
Lots and lots and lots of people grow into completely different people than their parents were. If you think you can stick it out and not feel starved in a lonely marriage, I am completely confident that you are an excellent example for your boys and that you can find other role models for them also.
My best wishes to you. Marriage can be tough under any circumstances, and these sound rather difficult.
I think there has been good advice give all around. You ask for help with raising your kids, but a family cannot really be divided so neatly. You are all tied together, and your marriage cannot be separated from your childrearing. As the child of a once-failed marriage, I can tell you that they are inseparable.
My first concern is what I see as a lack of respect for your husband. Quite possibly/probably (I don't know him) he deserves it, but I think it would be very harmful for your children to sense that. In our more gender-conscious present , we are concerned about women being disrespected by men, but it's equally critical men not be disrespected by women. It wasn't until I had a son of my own that I really started to see how disrespectfully I could talk about men. It just seemed amusing, until I thought about having certain comments applied to women and how unacceptable I would find that.
So, if you think you're not showing that at all, that's great. Perhaps the "rant" is unique and you would never give any sense of that to your boys.
As for your boys, how about getting them around as many great role models as possible? I have a friend who doesn't consider her husband to be a great role model, so she requested the male kindergarten teacher for her kids. How about other family members, other people in your community, neighbors? Do you have a Boys Club or other organization where boys can pair up with men for learning/activities/role modeling? How about Boy Scouts, 4H or other places where involved dads are present? Even sports might be a place to learn values you want for them.
And, even though their dad may not be your idea of an ideal role model, you can still set a high standard for them, of honesty, respect, hard work, whatever you value most. If YOU demand it of them, they will get the message loud and clear.
Lots and lots and lots of people grow into completely different people than their parents were. If you think you can stick it out and not feel starved in a lonely marriage, I am completely confident that you are an excellent example for your boys and that you can find other role models for them also.
My best wishes to you. Marriage can be tough under any circumstances, and these sound rather difficult.
- Thread starter
- #54
patandchickens
Crazy Cat Lady
That is a good point, and you are quite right, I have very very little respect for him at this point, and that is *not* a good thing.me&thegals said:
But other than trying my best not to speak disrespectfully to him, at least when the kids are around, I don't know what to DO about it <throwing hands in air>. (I do believe I'm pretty consistant about not speaking disrespectfully *of* him, to them, though)
It is hard for me to even TRY to respect him, let alone succeed. Really, y'all do not know what this is like, he is NOT just yer typical guy just doing typical guy things. Seriously.
Trying to find activities for the kids with good male role models as leaders is a good idea, although I am not sure how much of that sort of thing we can *afford*
THanks very much,
Pat
me&thegals
A Major Squash & Pumpkin Lover
That's the hard part of not actually knowing you and your family. My husband does things all the time that drive me batty, and sometimes I get into a serious attitude of not respecting him, which the kids totally notice. But, he is basically a good guy, just human.
Your husband must be in a whole different category. If there is nothing to respect, that would be extremely difficult. But you have said he has held down a job, long term. That's something right there. He can change when it is required. That's another something. And he loves your boys. That's huge.
As for the expenses, I know what you mean. Do you have any relatives on either side who would be good role models? Male teachers? Males anywhere?
Plus, I'm not totally convinced that boys only learn from men, girls from women. I swear my husband is just like his mother, and I hope I am just like my father. I think YOU can do it, I just feel sad that you don't have a rock-solid mate at your side to do it with you.
I know that some people seriously do not deserve respect. It's just that living in that frame of mind does more damage to YOU than to him, and I really think it would damage your kids. I have had a huge struggle with a family member for many years. When I am really, really upset with them, I personally become a bitter, angry, not-nice person. When I manage to just let it go, it frees up all sorts of things that are better for me and everyone around me. Easy to say, hard to do
Your husband must be in a whole different category. If there is nothing to respect, that would be extremely difficult. But you have said he has held down a job, long term. That's something right there. He can change when it is required. That's another something. And he loves your boys. That's huge.
As for the expenses, I know what you mean. Do you have any relatives on either side who would be good role models? Male teachers? Males anywhere?
Plus, I'm not totally convinced that boys only learn from men, girls from women. I swear my husband is just like his mother, and I hope I am just like my father. I think YOU can do it, I just feel sad that you don't have a rock-solid mate at your side to do it with you.
I know that some people seriously do not deserve respect. It's just that living in that frame of mind does more damage to YOU than to him, and I really think it would damage your kids. I have had a huge struggle with a family member for many years. When I am really, really upset with them, I personally become a bitter, angry, not-nice person. When I manage to just let it go, it frees up all sorts of things that are better for me and everyone around me. Easy to say, hard to do
- Thread starter
- #56
patandchickens
Crazy Cat Lady
Well now, I didn't say there was nothing to respect 
-- what I said was that I cannot see my way to respecting him as a total person, as a package deal so to speak.
We are sadly thin on relatives.
At this point, I really do wholeheartedly appreciate all the input y'all have given me, and I have gotten some very helpful things out of it... and I totally get WHY so many people have felt it would be useful to discuss how I feel about my husband and how I am being unfair and should be a bigger person about it all... but honestly I have just been down that road too many times over the past eight years and I know where it goes and I am just not in a mood to get dragged there again, and unless you (in general, not addressing anyone in particular) have lived with my husband you truly have no clue what it's like anyhow.
So at this point I would like to respectfully ask that maybe we can just leave it at that, and move along and discuss canner asplosions and woodstoves and goats and all that. Please. I do not mean to sound ungrateful, in fact my major point here is that I *am* grateful *do* feel that I've gotten useful advice and support here. K?
Thanks very much all,
Pat
-- what I said was that I cannot see my way to respecting him as a total person, as a package deal so to speak. We are sadly thin on relatives.
At this point, I really do wholeheartedly appreciate all the input y'all have given me, and I have gotten some very helpful things out of it... and I totally get WHY so many people have felt it would be useful to discuss how I feel about my husband and how I am being unfair and should be a bigger person about it all... but honestly I have just been down that road too many times over the past eight years and I know where it goes and I am just not in a mood to get dragged there again, and unless you (in general, not addressing anyone in particular) have lived with my husband you truly have no clue what it's like anyhow.
So at this point I would like to respectfully ask that maybe we can just leave it at that, and move along and discuss canner asplosions and woodstoves and goats and all that. Please. I do not mean to sound ungrateful, in fact my major point here is that I *am* grateful *do* feel that I've gotten useful advice and support here. K?
Thanks very much all,
Pat
