It's decision time. Despite the fact that this is a recurrence, my oncologist wants to do chemotherapy again. It's a different drug this time, but from the sounds of it, the side effects will be about the same as last time. That time, I had a total of 6 treatments, three weeks apart. After the treatments were over, it took close to a year before I really started feeling like myself again. The oncologist did say that I could stop after 3 treatments this time, but I'm not sure if that will affect the recovery time or not.
So, here I am, parked squarely on the horns of a dilemma. I can do nothing and hope that the mastectomy was enough to completely eradicate the cancer. That is definitely a possibility, since this was a local recurrence, very close to the original site. I wouldn't even be considering this as an option if the cancer had returned somewhere else. I can take three treatments, ending sometime in August and hope that this different drug and the shorter regimen will mean a quicker recovery. I can do all 6 treatments and try my best to stay more active and not let it get me down the way it did the first time.
You see, the first time I went through all this, possibly the hardest part of all was that life just seemed to stop. Virtually nothing that wasn't a matter of life and death got done. The animals got fed and watered, but that was about it. We went into a sort of "survival mode", just existing until that magic day when treatment was over. That's when I got the rude awakening that just because they weren't injecting that crap into me anymore I was going to be instantly back to normal. For over a year, cancer and the treatment and recovery controlled every aspect of my life. I lived through treatment but I didn't live during it, if that makes any sense.
So I swore that if I ever had to go through this again, I wouldn't let it rule me like it did the first time. If I do decide to do treatment, I'm going to do the best I can to maintain something resembling a normal life.
I really haven't decided what I will do. Whether I do treatment again or not, there are no guarantees that the cancer won't come back yet again. Theoretically, the chances are better that it won't if I do treatment but nothing is guaranteed. If there's anything I've learned from having cancer, it's that each and every moment we are given on this earth is a blessing. I have developed a deep appreciation for the sheer joy of being alive. I don't want to lose that, obviously, but God has already decided how many more moments I'm going to have and do I want to waste a year or more of moments feeling like crap for an undefinable chance of having more moments overall? Oh, good grief, did that make any sense at all?
So much for my skills as a writer.
Hope she is feeling better soon.
Praying that He gives you guidance and comfort while making your decision.
