The CrazyLady Story: Or, How to Rip-Off multiple Contractors
One of the first big jobs that i had in my new life as a home remodeler, was a ceiling replacement. It was large, older home in a nice part of town, and the middle-aged couple who owned it were going to take down the acoustic ceiling tiles. They hired me to hang and float a drywall ceiling. Hanging it was no big deal. It was hard work, but with only one helper, we still managed to finish it in two days. Floating it with sheetrock mud was much harder and more time consuming. We worked wearing stilts, which made us look like sideshow performers, and we wore respirators to pevent the toxic dust from entering our lungs. Holding you arms over you head all day is very difficult and will make the ache. We had to take frequent breaks to rest. The husband was a large, imposing man, and quite muscular, with a look of Bluto from the Popeye cartoons. It soon turned out his pesonality was not much different either:
"When are you going to be finished? August?"
Our contract said two weeks and we were right on track. I should have told him it would cost double if i have to deal with smart remarks on a daily basis. It got worse the closer we got to completion. One day, a crew came into the back yard and formed up and poured a 15x20 concrete slab. I went out and met the foreman, and watched them finish it off. They were very good at it. The next day, they framed up a metal garage and started putting on the tin siding. It was a crew of six men, and they were making fast progress. The owner came in and found us taking a break to watch the crew outside. "It sure is going up fast" i said, talking about his new garage.
"Yeah, it goes pretty fast when you know what you're doing."
He said in a snide, accusitory way. When he left the room, my helper said, "Man, what a freaking jerk." How much more we gotta take of this?"
"Just ignore him." i said. "We're almost finished, and then we'll get a nice payday."
Later that day, we were rolling the ceiling texture on. I had strongly recomended a flat, orange-peel texure, which is blown on with a hopper gun, the industry standard. The wife had insisted that she did not want a blown texture. The only option she left us was a rolled on texture. When she saw what a rolled texture looked like, i was able to convince here that a flat, very fine blow would look better. She agreed to let us blow a texture. We mixed the mud with primer and some water with a paddle mixer until a uniform texture was achieved. Then we blew a nice, flat looking ceiling.
When she returned, she went into a raving fit: "Oh no, no, no! This is totally unacceptible! Why did you paint the cieling with two different colors?"
"What! It's all just a white ceiling. That's primer. We didn't paint anything."
"Oh yes you did! Look right here. It's a darker color than the rest of the ceiling!"
"That's just a shadow. See, when i move my hand in front of the window? The shadow of my hand is the same shade of white as what you are looking at."
"Oh no it's not! There are two different colors up there. Paint it again!" Then she left in a huff and a swing of her fur coat, like Cruella, the Disney character. She was like a cartoon of a human: Not quite real and difficult to believe. How could anyone hallucinate like that with out the use of psychedelic drugs?
"Man! That chick's crazy!" My helper said.
"Don't worry about it." I said. "Let's just blow another coat and move on to the next room."
The next day, the husband came in, banging doors and stomping around. He walked past me without a word. "How's it going?" i asked.
"It's not." He mumbled, and slammed the back door. I could hear him peel out the tires just a bit as he angrily pulled out of the drive. I went outside to find the workmen at the garage packing up their tooks. "What's going on?" i asked
"He told us to stop."
I looked at the garage. They were two tin panels away from being finished. "So what's the problem."
"He said he ordered a garage with vertical lines on the roof, but this is the only type of garage we sell. I've put in hundreds of these garages and nobody's ever asked for a refund."
"He asked for a refund?"
"Yeah. Don't know what's going to happen till i talk to my boss, but the guy just came out here and told us to leave."
The rest of the day, i puzzled over the husband's bizarre behavior.
The next day, the wife came in early in the morning. We were very nearly finished with enire house. "Stop!" She yelled."This is terrible! You guys don't know what your doing. This is not what i wanted. Just stop. You are spinning your wheels! Just stop where you are!" She left.
"That's it!" i said. "Screw that crazy old goat!" Help me load up all our gear. Were getting out of here!" My helper had a concerned look on his face. "Dont worry." i said. "You'll still get payed. I paid him out of my own pocket. We never saw the CrazyLady again.
So that's how to get work done for free, or how to rip off multiple contractors!
My perma beds are doing good. Getting plenty of squash, peppers, tomatos, cucumbers, green beans, lima beans, swiss chard, blackberries, and plums. The parsley that wintered over is blooming with lovely white panheads similar to its relative, queen anne's lace. The marigolds are blooming nicely, and all of my nut trees are growing well. 
