Those with children? Having some major issues!!!

[Bettacreek]

The only thing with trauma is that he's always with me. He spent the weekend with the grandparents, but this started before. When alone with George, it's not long, only enough for me to run to the store or whatever, and they've never acted weird afterwards.

 

[Beekissed]

I was molested as a child by an uncle....with my mother in the next room. My sister was molested by the same uncle in the yard with my mother and all 8 other sibs in the house and same yard. My mother never knew until I told her much later...my sister never told until she was an adult. Being molested, fondled, solicited, threatened...it only takes a few minutes and the people that do it are very practiced in where and when to do this. They also use coercion in a very slick manner....my sister was told that she had to let him do it to her or he would do it to me instead(which he did anyway). The poor little girl sacrificed herself and let him fondle her because she thought she was saving me from the same thing.

Anyone visiting grandma's house while your children were there could do this, people at school or in the neighborhood can do this, a brother or sister can do this(I was molested by a brother in the same room as my parents also...and so was my sister. Brother had been molested by the same uncle previously to these incidents....see a pattern?) It doesn't always manifest itself immediately after the molestation occurs....kids that have been touched in this way often carry that burden silently until other life stress brings it out. Particularly if they have been threatened with physical harm to remain silent....like being thrown out a window? Or being killed? Or having their pets killed?

What do you do when you are a little boy who has been done in this way and can't tell? You try to remove the threat, redirect your angst, get someone to care that you exist and get someone to remove you from the source of pain/trauma.

There doesn't have to be any penetration to have trauma to the mind and spirit of a child. I'm not saying this boy has been molested but something is definitely going on in his life that needs intervention or a puzzle that needs solving.

 

[Bettacreek]

I think I'm just going to have to make an appt for him to figure it out. For now, he's being all lovey dovey. We're all drinking hot chocolate (it's COLD out!) and sitting on the couch watching Super Why. Last night, they were all about crawling all over George and I on the couch, Talon saying "I want to be good, I don't want to hurt birds anymore". I'm thinking it might be more of an attention thing to be honest. His brother gets all of the attention, because he's more into that "cute" stuff, where he will get attention from anyone. Talon takes a little longer to warm up to people. I think that's mostly from his early issues with his "dad" disappearing and not wanting anything to do with him. Tripp never really experienced his "dad", because he was only two or three months old when I kicked his arse out. People tend to be more cuddly with Tripp, because he's more outgoing and trusting, Talon is a mommy's boy. George has told me that at first he thought Talon was just a big momma's boy and that he'd never like anyone else, but now he's changed his mind, because Talon's as much of a George's boy as he is a momma's boy now. Andy didn't like Talon, and that was a big issue we had. I didn't like that he treated one kid better than the other. I've noticed it a lot with other people though. Talon isn't "bad" or anything, you just have to break through his walls. And, I guess he is somewhat of a momma's boy, because he'll defend me to no end... When my mother and I would fight, no matter what, Talon would yell at my mother, telling her that she's not allowed to be mean to his mom. Tripp didn't really care one way or the other, lol. Again, that might be something from Talon's early childhood? Mike (ex-husband) was always screaming and yelling about anything and everything, and it's very possible that Talon remembers it vaguely. The kid has a memory of an elephant. You can tell him something goofy and three months later he'll quote you word for word. I've learned to be very honest with him and not make up goofy little stories about stuff (like joking around that the sky is red) because he WILL bring it up months later and tell you that you were wrong, because the sky is in fact blue, lol.

 

[pinkfox]

i dont nessicarily think this is a case of him being molested ect...i do think SOMEONE has said something to him about death or dying and its stuck, mabe even something as simple as "mommy cant fix everything"...but hes definatly got something playing over in his head thats got him rilled up and hes looking for attention and assurance form it.

but i do think a talk to a professional (and dont be afraid to keep looking untill you find one that feels "right") might help whatever has triggered the behaviour.

 

[Bettacreek]

One thing I've learned with therapists is that you really need to choose one based on how the CHILD feels, not based on how the parent feels. I know that I was sent to a therapist as a kid, found one I liked, then mom changed therapists on me because she didn't like what he was telling her... I never opened up to a therapist again because in my mind, there was no point. There's no sense in telling someone your secrets when it just makes your parent change therapists because they know something she doesn't and she refuses to take the advice!

I have told Talon that I cannot fix everything. Yesterday he helped me bury the chicken. He seemed okay about it after burying it, but I'm hoping that this wasn't the wrong choice to allow him to help me. He asked what I was going to do with it and I told him that I was going to bury it and he asked if he could help. I didn't see anything wrong with it, but now I'm wondering if it was the wrong thing to do?

 

[moolie]

I think I'm just going to have to make an appt for him to figure it out. For now, he's being all lovey dovey. We're all drinking hot chocolate (it's COLD out!) and sitting on the couch watching Super Why. Last night, they were all about crawling all over George and I on the couch, Talon saying "I want to be good, I don't want to hurt birds anymore". I'm thinking it might be more of an attention thing to be honest. His brother gets all of the attention, because he's more into that "cute" stuff, where he will get attention from anyone. Talon takes a little longer to warm up to people. I think that's mostly from his early issues with his "dad" disappearing and not wanting anything to do with him. Tripp never really experienced his "dad", because he was only two or three months old when I kicked his arse out. People tend to be more cuddly with Tripp, because he's more outgoing and trusting, Talon is a mommy's boy. George has told me that at first he thought Talon was just a big momma's boy and that he'd never like anyone else, but now he's changed his mind, because Talon's as much of a George's boy as he is a momma's boy now. Andy didn't like Talon, and that was a big issue we had. I didn't like that he treated one kid better than the other. I've noticed it a lot with other people though. Talon isn't "bad" or anything, you just have to break through his walls. And, I guess he is somewhat of a momma's boy, because he'll defend me to no end... When my mother and I would fight, no matter what, Talon would yell at my mother, telling her that she's not allowed to be mean to his mom. Tripp didn't really care one way or the other, lol. Again, that might be something from Talon's early childhood? Mike (ex-husband) was always screaming and yelling about anything and everything, and it's very possible that Talon remembers it vaguely. The kid has a memory of an elephant. You can tell him something goofy and three months later he'll quote you word for word. I've learned to be very honest with him and not make up goofy little stories about stuff (like joking around that the sky is red) because he WILL bring it up months later and tell you that you were wrong, because the sky is in fact blue, lol.

The more you say, the more I'm inclined to believe he needs attention and praise.

And has issues with his Dad deserting him. Trauma doesn't have to be "big" in adult eyes to be huge in kid eyes. Huge.

It's very easy to turn a normal behaviour issue into something bigger than it really is, and I hope you'll try a few suggestions from this thread before you assume that he need professional help. He's a four-year-old. Life isn't all that deep, and things are very easily dealt with at that age.

Give him positive attention, take the emphasis and access away from the birds, and move forward. If other things crop up in his behaviour, then seek help.

 

[moxies_chickennuggets]

Personally, I have all kinds of warning bells going off in my head. Do I think he's going to turn into a serial killer? No, but I have a feeling that something is going on that is causing him to act like this. It would not hurt as a precaution to have him talk to a therapist.

I agree.

I don't think this has much to do with a death issue per say, but I DO see this as a desperate cry for attention and help. Something in this kiddo's world has changed and he is stressing out from it. I would open up and really try to tune in to him. See if you can find out what is different.

My gut says something has him very scared. Possibly someone has threatened to hurt or kill him. Be very aware of any physical changes. I would have concerns of someone possibly being physically inappropriate with this child. I have had years of experience with children with behavior disorders and something extreme like this almost always has a deep dark secret attached to it.

I have to agree with both of these posts. And I think therapy with a counselor is at least a good place to start. Something is going on with a 4 year old to make him hurt animals, if this is new. I had 3 children, now grown and raised. Because the 2nd child was ADD/autism/possible Aspergers Syndrome, he was born with violent tendencies and had therapy at a young age also. Hopefully, someone can find out what is going on with your 4 year old.

 

[luvinlife offthegrid]

I think therapy would be ok to rule out the more serious things. The fact that he said that he doesn't want to hurt birds anymore leads me to believe that he is now uncomfortable about what he's done. He may not understand death, but he knows he's done something serious. That may be cause for more anxiety. This situation has to be handled carefully. it can't be swept under the rug, but if it was simple curiosity and you blow it way out of proportion, it could make the situation worse.

Taking care of other living things is a responsibility. Compare how you take care of him, how family takes care of one another, and the sense of well-being it creates for everyone. I would engage him in care of animals with close supervision. Talk with him while you do it. "see how fast that chicken is eating that food? She must have been really hungry. How do you feel when you're hungry and you get some yummy food? She knows you just gave her the food." Or "that chicken just ran away really fast. Maybe she was scared. What do you think could scare it? What scares you?". Etc, you get the idea. Role play and think out loud about empathy a lot.

It also might help him feel better help local animals at the shelter by making homemade dog biscuits or something. It's cheap, fun, and tactile. He has made mistakes. Now he can do sme things to help make up for it. Not just as punishment, but to nourish his sense of how he treats other things.

I really don't have any other suggestions, because there's only so much knowledge you can get from a few explanations in a post. Others have given good suggestions as well. Good luck.

 

[pinkfox]

agre finding one he likes is going to be a big key...youve done everythign how i would have personaly done it...explained calmly had him participate in the burrial ect...