Dealing with MIL during FIL ALZ

[CrealCritter]

I'm having such a hard time dealing with my MIL because of my FIL advanced stages of alzheimer.

For years my FIL said he was going to have a huge red maple tree that is hanging over the house taken down, but he never done it. Last week I was out there and looked at this massive tree. I took my pocket knife out and started knocking on the truck. God Lord half of it is rotten. This is a huge tree mind you. So out of safety I called one of my friends who does this for a living. He came and looked at it and quoted me $450.00 to lay this beast on the ground. There is electrical service, house, storage building and driveway all surrounding this tree. My buddy will have to bring the bucket truck in order to take it down top to bottom.

$450.00 is like the deal of the century, so I told him come cut it. Well my MIL seemed to think $450.00 was way much. But why would she care because I'm the one paying to have it taken down. I said well if you think that's too much then by golly, go ahead and get another quote and we will wait. So she did and it was $2250.00. She like oh... I guess $450.00 is a great price after all but I do not want that tree taken down I until next year. I said to her, nope its coming down now, before it leafs out and because a wind catcher and falls on the house during one of wind storms we get around here. We live in the Midwest you know tornado alley and her house sits on top of a hill. Which I call windy hill because its always windy eveytime I go over there.

Her jaw hit the floor and she was not at all happy with me. I don't think she has ever had a man put her in her place and tell her no like I did. But I thought to myself, tough ****, that tree is an accident waiting to happen. But now I know why it didn't come down while my FIL was of sound mind, because my MIL told him no.

Then yesterday she calls me up in a panic... Said while giving my FIL a shower he about fell twice and she needs a walk in shower. I said yeah sure I can do that. So I went and measured and started figuring what it would take, which is a lot expense and time. Then I sent out a mass TXT to my sons for help next Saturday. I planed everything out, got help secured, figured out how to pay for it (along with the tree). Then she calls me and said she changed her mind and doesn't want the walk in shower, but she told me I need to come and prune her blackberry patch instead.

I'm so aggregated... It's my MIL and have to be nice. But It's like she just wants me to do all this stuff that isn't really nessessary but over looks the dangerous stuff like a 1/2 rotten tree falling on the house and slipping and falling in the tub.

I must confess I never quite understood the ways of how a woman thinks. But I best learn quick or she is going to drive me plum nutty. Any thoughts on how to deal with my MIL would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks

 

[frustratedearthmother]

I hate to be the one to put this out here - so please forgive me if I'm totally off base...

I dealt with both of my parents having Alz mostly at the same time. My mother was pretty good at hiding her problems - until she couldn't anymore. Are you sure your mother-in-law is not having some issues herself? Good decision making is one of the first skills to go.

Like NHH mentioned - the stress of taking care of an Alz patient is enough to set off problems in someone who might be just hanging on by a thread herself.

Before you go to the time and expense of a walk in shower you might consider one of these. It mounts in/out of the tub. The patient sits down on it with the seat outside and only has to lift his feet up and slide into the tub. Split a cheap shower curtain around it and they are safe sitting down to shower without the danger of stepping over a tub wall.

Sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard, and likely going to get harder.

 

[CrealCritter]

My buddy is currently taking the tree down with his crew. I called him yesterday evening and worked out the time with him. My wife is over there while I'm at work. My MIL and FIL are at his doctors then off to physical therapy. The tree will be on the ground when they get back home.

I'm going to clean up the tree this week and take the wood to our Amish friends. Then that will be the end of that conversation and worry.

 

[Beekissed]

CC, MIL is definitely into her own cognitive decline and your dad needs to be kept safer in a facility. I know it's hard to come to that conclusion, but we had to make the same thing happen here.

Dad is now in a facility....his was difficult because he first had to be involuntarily committed to a state mental hospital(he hadn't seen a doctor in many years and refused to see one)...he was becoming such a danger to himself and mother that we finally insisted she DO something. I won't go into the details but suffice to say everything else was done to try and prevent this step but it was best in the end. He was safe and so was she.

Then mother was living back in the boonies by herself, so I moved away from my home and moved in with her so that she could stay in her own home as long as possible. Since I'm a nurse, I will be keeping her here throughout her life, so no facility for her unless something happens to me.

Your dad needs to be safe and your MIL needs to be in an assisted care facility, which could be right in the same facility if you look around. Often they are together so people can transition from one to the other when it's time.

You and your sibs need to get together and have a serious talk before your Dad comes to grief out there the next time he proposes to leave...my Dad drove clear across the state, looking for Mom, who was right there at the house when he left.

Then you need to go together and tell MIL Dad needs to be where he can be kept safer and that she simply cannot handle him at home, especially not as this progresses. If she refuses to listen, you can wait until the next incident~say a fall or him leaving the home unattended and confused, and report it to your local APC and they will take it from there.

Facts are it only gets worse from here on out and, if she's having trouble now, she's inadequate to care for him and it sounds like she can't even care for herself properly.

 

[CrealCritter]

Hooray

My wife snipping pics from the back porch of the take down.

 

[CrealCritter]

and nothing hurt in the process except maybe MIL's feelings.

It's nice to have friends who ain't afraid of a little hard work and won't try and take advantage of you. I don't have very many friends, but the ones I do have, are good ones.

 

[wyoDreamer]

That is so awesome that your friend was able to help out and give you such a great price on that job. Kudos to the boys for pitching in also.

We took down a huge pine tree a year ago. The neighbor across the road grew up in our place, when he got married they built the place across the road and helped Ma & Pa farm. They were alittle upset that we cut down that tree - until I showed them that is was over 1/2 rotted through...
They like that we are working on the place, but I think it may be a little hard on them to see it change - even though we aren't changing much.

 

[Lazy Gardener]

CC, I may come across as blunt... I often do. But... here goes. I work in a skilled nursing facility. Almost all of these facilities have a dementia unit. So, I have seen it all in terms of behaviors which can drive caregivers and family members close to, if not over the edge!

There comes a time when you have to stop being nice. Compassionate, yes. Loving, yes. But... It's time for you to take control. Re: that tree: Explain to MIL that the tree is rotten. It may not survive an other storm. Tell her that it's not a safe situation. Simply set up the removal date, and if she gives you any further grief about it, tell her that even YOU don't feel safe at their home with that tree looming over their house. My DD and SIL had such a tree in their yard. They got quotes, the best one being 3K. So, SIL rented a portable boom or what ever it's called, and he and a crew of family members took that tree down. Even with all the equipment including cables attached to the branches, one cable snapped, and the branch took out their deck. Thankfully, it was only a deck. I DO suggest that you pay to remove the tree instead of attempting to do it yourself! If you were to tackle it, and there was a problem, the insurance company would not pay. But if a professional who carries his own liability insurance does it, any damage should be covered.

As for her calling you to do stuff that she is capable of doing... again.... there comes a time when you must set limits to preserve your own sanity. Tell her to write all this stuff on a list. If she can't do it, then you will address it the next time you come over. You might set up a journal to keep beside the telephone or on the kitchen table. Her list, your check off's, along with your next scheduled visit.

It does sound like she is definitely having her own cognitive issues, and it may be time for either: both of them to move into an assisted living facility, or have some hired help on a daily basis. Even a couple hours/day can buy a bit of peace of mind for you, and them. I have no idea what their financial situation looks like, and they may very well be able to afford to hire a bit of assistance. But, it's typical that the elderly will refuse to hire someone when they have family members who are at their beck and call 24/7. So, again... it's time for you to stop being nice. I hear the frustration in your voice. You MUST take care of yourself and your family, and you are being stretched in too many directions. Setting some limits, while being available for true emergency situations, and getting the needed help should ease some of your stress.

 

[CrealCritter]

CC, MIL is definitely into her own cognitive decline and your dad needs to be kept safer in a facility. I know it's hard to come to that conclusion, but we had to make the same thing happen here.

Dad is now in a facility....his was difficult because he first had to be involuntarily committed to a state mental hospital(he hadn't seen a doctor in many years and refused to see one)...he was becoming such a danger to himself and mother that we finally insisted she DO something. I won't go into the details but suffice to say everything else was done to try and prevent this step but it was best in the end. He was safe and so was she.

Then mother was living back in the boonies by herself, so I moved away from my home and moved in with her so that she could stay in her own home as long as possible. Since I'm a nurse, I will be keeping her here throughout her life, so no facility for her unless something happens to me.

Your dad needs to be safe and your MIL needs to be in an assisted care facility, which could be right in the same facility if you look around. Often they are together so people can transition from one to the other when it's time.

You and your sibs need to get together and have a serious talk before your Dad comes to grief out there the next time he proposes to leave...my Dad drove clear across the state, looking for Mom, who was right there at the house when he left.

Then you need to go together and tell MIL Dad needs to be where he can be kept safer and that she simply cannot handle him at home, especially not as this progresses. If she refuses to listen, you can wait until the next incident~say a fall or him leaving the home unattended and confused, and report it to your local APC and they will take it from there.

Facts are it only gets worse from here on out and, if she's having trouble now, she's inadequate to care for him and it sounds like she can't even care for herself properly.

So far she is able to care for him and her but I know it will come to this soon its hard for me because I'm just the son-in-law. I've been trying to force this exact conversation between my wife and her brother. So far I have been unsuccessful. But by golly I'm a stubborn old coot!

 

[CrealCritter]