Dealing with MIL during FIL ALZ

[CrealCritter]

My wife dropped a bomb on me this evening. We were coming back from grand daughter's birthday party in town and I asked 1 question "how's your mom getting along living alone"? Boy that was the wrong question to ask!

My wife said that during bible study that her mom was talking about moving into town and asked my wife if i wanted the house and property. This turned into a long conversation and basically the decision was dropped in my lap, if I wanted my mother in law's house and property or not?

We discussed the pluses and minuses.

Pluses:

• Free house on a little over 5 acres with large barn.

Minuses:

• On a very busy road two lane road.
• Close to the power plant
• Main route for Coal trucks, you get a coal truck every 2 minutes, 6 days a week delivering coal to the.power plant.
• Too many memories of my father in law for my wife.

My wife said I know you want to move deeper into the woods and my mom's house is not in the woods, its surrounded by farm land. I said yes your right, I want to get away from as many people as I possible can and live in the deep woods, with trees and wild animals. I then said if I were to take the house, get insurance and pay the taxes every year. The first thing I would do is put a fence along the road, plant fast growing tall stubs and add a gate at the end of the drive way because I just couldn't stand watching semi's and all the traffic pass in front of the house every time I look out front. I just simply wouldn't be happy there at all.

But then I said but what do you want? Would you live in your moms house, is it something you want? I really wasn't surprised when she said no because i already know she wants to live deep in the woods also.

Then I said, well it's a free house but honestly I don't want to live there either. I mean we could fix it up, it needs some work but nothing to bad, since my father in law was not able to do the up keep and we could rent it out. But I'm not greedy, nor do I want to spend the time and money on it. So, I told my wife to tell her mom that I don't want the house and property. She agreed, but said she didn't know how her mom was going to take it because she had her heart set on giving me house because she knew I would take care of it.

This is one of those situations a guy gets in, minding his own business, then wham... no matter what I said, I'll get a woman upset. If I said yes, my wife would be unhappy, if I said no, my mother in law would be unhappy. Well I'm not married to my mother in law, so happy wife / happy life and my mother in law can just deal with it I reckon.

 

[Beekissed]

So far...but she can't rightly discern that his almost falling in the shower is a warning of this continuing to happen~so lets trim the berry bushes instead or whatever~ and that she was annoyed by the door alarm going off when he was getting ready to leave also says something about her state of mind...she should have been glad it warned her of his leaving.

It's not IF something is going to happen, it's when. That's the conclusion we finally came to and took steps to prevent any further danger. Wife and brother need to think about someone other than their own feelings about Dad and think about Dad himself.

We went through this too and three siblings rained a hailstorm of abuse on Mom when she had to put Dad in a facility...they went to court to get control of him and his money, they stole all the money they could from them both, kicked Mom out of her home, took all her income, which was tied up with Dad's, and when they finally had to leave the premises, they stole her blind(two were arrested for grand theft)....looked like the Grinch had been there, even took a ball of rubber bands in the now empty tool drawer.

It took years to restore her to her home, her rightful income, and to her husband. But God used their evil for good in the end and all is well, but I KNOW about siblings and their selfish emotions and "good" intentions.

I'd advise on it all and then wash my hands of it, letting them sort it all out. It's their folks and you have no responsibility in the matter...if they want control over it all, let 'em. Let THEM go tend to all the emergencies that will arise...if you stop saving the day, they may just see it more clearly.

 

[CrealCritter]

MIL will hit the roof when she gets home, but taking down that tree was the right thing to do.
My SIL just left for home in another city. Her stepmom just died...and that family drama might be heating up. Agh. WHY???? My sister cleaned out our mother's house of anything with any value before I got there, then said she was just keeping it safe, then the ever changing story. 'Jewelry, what jewelry? I have no idea what you're talking about'.

Some people are just poops. I have now accepted that it's just stuff. I have stuff. I can always get more stuff. I'm even getting rid of stuff. I'm good.
Eventually things will work out. Take the steps you need to take to see about getting them into assisted living. You got a big heart, buddy.

She can get as mad as a big nest of hornets that I whacked with a ball bat on a hot summer day for all I care. It is for their safety, if she realizes it or not!

 

[CrealCritter]

You're a good man, CC.

Nah... Mom and Dad gave me good home training and I married a awesome lady who keeps me in line with the broad side of a big ole iron skillet

 

[CrealCritter]

MIL will hit the roof when she gets home, but taking down that tree was the right thing to do.
My SIL just left for home in another city. Her stepmom just died...and that family drama might be heating up. Agh. WHY???? My sister cleaned out our mother's house of anything with any value before I got there, then said she was just keeping it safe, then the ever changing story. 'Jewelry, what jewelry? I have no idea what you're talking about'.

Some people are just poops. I have now accepted that it's just stuff. I have stuff. I can always get more stuff. I'm even getting rid of stuff. I'm good.
Eventually things will work out. Take the steps you need to take to see about getting them into assisted living. You got a big heart, buddy.

I came to the same conclusion... Stuff is stuff, you always have stuff. Sometimes more stuff than you need. But its just stuff that you can't take with you when you die.

 

[CrealCritter]

All your replies and shooting straight are so appreciated.

Today my wife finally did talk with her mom about selling the place and moving into town or assisted living. Her desire is to stay there until my father in law dies then she will talk about it. She is quite a bit younger than my FIL, she married him when she was 14. They have been together a long long time that's got to say something, right there doesn't it? On the other hand I'm quite a bit younger than my wife, strange how that works...

 

[Mini Horses]

voluntold

Love that "word"....is It in Webster's? Should be!

Do they have a motorized chair?

When mom was here, she began with being able to use steps, progressed to walker, then to chair. My son built a lift that I had at end of my porch. It was a tall framed box, with another that fit within, which had a floor and all was raised with a lift device from TSC that was electric & had a brake, so would hold at stop point. Little ramp outside, rolled chair into elevator, pushed button, lifted to level of porch, rolled chair off onto porch. Reverse to go out.

Think mini elevator. All bolted together, maybe 4 or 5 ft square, about 12' tall. Worked like a charm. He's a framer/carpenter, used to precise measure & board strength issues. So are you. For us it was easier than a ramp. Just a thought.

 

[frustratedearthmother]

My question (don't mean to annoy you with it) Where was the son who got all the tools???

My first thought too...

Goes to prove the old adage that "no good deed goes unpunished."

You did a great thing helping them. It's a shame that MIL forgot to have an attitude of gratitude....

 

[Lazy Gardener]

Suffice it to say that dealing with the elderly can be a challenge. Double that when dealing with elderly relatives. 10 x that when dealing with some in-law issues. I have some one close who has it in her head that she no longer has to be nice to people. "I'm old. So, I can say what I want." Nor, does she need to be patient. Expects local handy men/remodelers to come at the drop of a hat to do piddly little things. Was appalled when someone was booking out till mid July and wouldn't bump her to the top of the list to get her front porch painted. "I used to be patient, and it wouldn't bother me to wait. But now, I'm old... I don't have that much time. I know they are all busy. But, I don't want to wait." So... instead of saying "Thank you very much, and please book me for mid-July.", she is looking for "someone who is more accommodating." Spent hours getting this person set up with a new answering machine. Couldn't be an integrated with cordless phone. Had to be a phone with cord. Answering machine needed to be separate b/c that's the way it's always been. Come to find out... after buying and returning 2, all that was needed was a new battery in the old, ancient answering machine... you know... the kind with the little tape cassette inside...

 

[frustratedearthmother]

A sad turn of events - but in reality - it's best for all.