foster parenting

[me&thegals]

After reading a recent thread in which one member was working hard to help her sister's children, a couple new members mentioned their experience as foster parents.

I am very interested in becoming a foster parent and would love the chance to hear about any and all experiences in the foster care system--as a foster child, foster parent, anything you are willing to share that would be helpful to a prospective foster family.

Thank you so much in advance!

 

[PamsPride]

I have gone thru the foster parenting classes when we got my sister's three kids. The classes were not that big of a deal. The home study was not hard at all.
I would love to Foster to Adopt (not just foster) but, my DH will not do it!
In our area the foster parent gets paid around $600 per month per child under 8 for a child 9 and older it is more. Plus other benefits.
I found some of the social workers to be a pain to work with though and some of the decisions they make just seem so irrational! Then a new case worker every couple of months that has no idea what is going on. Dealing with the social workers was the most aggrevating part for me.

 

[me&thegals]

Can you tell me more about the home study? That's the part that seems the most stressful for me. Obviously I have nothing to hide, but a person's home is so personal and private and it feels strange to think of a stranger coming in and just observing my family life. How on earth do we just act normal? How are the home studies set up to accomplish their purpose?

Foster to adopt is one option we're thinking of, too

We live in a very small community. Do you happen to also? Wondering about the possible awkwardness of running into biological families when in town. Our contact person tells us she has never heard of any problems between the foster families and biological families. She says any resentment from the birth families are directed at the social workers...

 

[PamsPride]

The home study is actually the easiest part. I have had two of them done. Do you have kids? They talk to them. They ask to see your finances...copy of pay stub, 401K statement, savings...they just want to know that you are not doing it for the $$ and that you are financially stable. They look for things like...is there food in the house, is it 'clean' (some are pickier than others...most really do not say anything about that because they have seen so much) so your house does not have to be perfect...you can be in the middle of a remodeling project and it is no big deal (but, my home study was for family). They want to see that you have enough space to add in my children...each child must have their own personal bed with bedding. You can have up to 4 children per room and boys and girls can only be mixed if they are siblings 5 years old and younger. They may require a fire inspection...that all depends on your fire inspector in your town as to how that goes...but those are easy and if you need to make corrections they will tell you then you just fix them. They do a finger print back ground check and a copy of your license.
If you have children discipline is really the only issue....that would be the biggest hurdle to cross.
Things I found that make it easier in the long run...be chatty and sweet but don't tell them anything unless they ask and do not volunteer to much info. Like if they ask about your kids in school....give the positive points about the school do not go on and on about how your kid does not get along with so and so teacher and he has been kicked out of class three times. It is not being invasive...you just do not want to bring trouble on yourself. You have to go threw all of the classes before you even have your home study so you should be pretty comfortable talking to Children Services by the time you are done with them.
Don't EVER expect the social worker to show up on time or when they say they will...even if you just talked to them that morning to confirm! I live in a pretty small town too....but again mine was family and I never ran into my sister while I had the kids.

 

[PamsPride]

Foster to Adopt vs fostering....remember that you can always say NO if they call and ask you to take a child. Ask for as much info as possible and make sure the child is permantly available before saying yes if you are looking only for adoption. Believe me they WILL call again! They are in desperate need of homes!
My cousins first adopted from Taiwan because they did not want to worry about the bios coming back. After having a little boy for a year (from Taiwan) they decided to try the local foster system. Before their home study was even complete...license came in the mail...they already told them that they were getting a 3 week old little boy and a 2 year old little girl that were permantly available. Children services used most of the paper work from their first home study to push them thru faster so they could get the kids placed with them.

 

[me&thegals]

This is all incredibly helpful--thank you! I feel like we have so much to offer children who need a home, but I'm just kind of winging it and going on faith for the rest. Because we're in a very rural area, the children's agency here only does the training about once per year. We missed the 2008 one because my husband was on a hunting trip. Hoping to get the paperwork rolling again here in 2009 and get the training done.

We do have kids, 6 and 8. They don't get too excited about talking to adult strangers, but maybe with time they would become comfortable to talk with the contact person/social worker. They do great with other kids!

Great point about us developing a higher comfort level during the training. Also good point about not going on and on in the interview, something I do when nervous. I will try to zip it up a bit!

The one thing that has bothered me is no way to connect with other foster parents until we've reached the training, so it's great to find a couple on this forum!

 

[PamsPride]

Start asking around if you are looking for other foster parents it may suprise you who know someone who knows someone that is a foster parent. Our classes are only offered twice a year.
Your kids will do just fine talking to the social worker...if they are quiet then you do not have to worry about them telling the social worker something embarrassing!!
Remember to only take kids younger than yours!! It will help keep the family dynamics in place.
In my area they also pay you by the hour for all the classes that you attend after you have your license. I think it is minimum wage...each. Plus sometimes they will reimburse you for child care expenses for those classes...not the initial classes just the yearly classes to maintain your certification.
They should also provide you with a gas gift card if you have to take the foster kids to meet parents or to a visiting place or to court....but, good luck ever seeing that! If they do a placement they will also help you with things like cribs, bunk beds, and diapers and such to get you started. But, you have to ask for those things. In our area it is $250 per year in extra perks.
They also reimburse you up to $70 a month per child for clothes and so much a year for sports....up and above the $600 a month. If the child is under 5 you can get WIC. Also as long as they are foster children you will get a medical card.
Hmmm...trying to think if I can remember anything else. It has been over three years since we have dealt with children services.
Your main issue is going to be how you discipline your children. You can not physically discipline a foster child or your own children while you have a foster child in your home....no spanking!! We told them we used an open hand and spanked them on the bottom and they did not give us a problem with our own children. But, I am not sure if you can do that while there is a foster child in your home because kids have a way of twisting it around to saying you swatted them on the bottom and not your own child especially if they are mad at you for something.

 

[Beekissed]

I've always pondered having foster children when my kids are grown and gone, but the whole not spanking thing would be a big drawback. I'm glad Me& asked these questions because this has always niggled in the back of my mind....am I doing all I can for the children of this world?

BUT....I can't imagine a child that doesn't need a spanking once in awhile, so I would be no help at all in a foster situation unless I fostered teens (too late to correct any behaviors with spanking at that level!)

There was a boy in foster care in my church that I would have gladly fostered and adopted, as he was the nicest, smartest, most well-behaved boy I've ever seen who had been raised by.....well....by himself, basically. His foster mother was a troll to him! I wanted to give this boy a home so badly and he wanted to come and live with me and my boys too....unless he could go back home to his own mother~which they let him do. They moved away and we miss him pretty badly.

 

[shareneh]

I think that if you have the patience to be a foster parent then that is great. Parents are greatly needed and there are kids that need to be loved. A lot of the foster kids that I have met are very needy. They will do dangerous things to themselves and others because they come from bad homes where God only knows what has happened to them.

They will need extra attention because they haven't had any. They will need extra love, patience, money, discipline, physical training, spiritual and mental training as well. They are a lot of work.

If you can give your heart and home to a child and raise it within all the boundaries set by the foster care system then more power to you. I don't think I could possibly let someone who doesn't know me tell me how to act or discipline in my home.

 

[me&thegals]

Yep--the whole discipline makes me nervous, too. We have definitely spanked our kids, one swat on the bottom. But, we try hard to make that a last resort and they're getting a bit old, IMO, for that now (6 & 8). I have never had the urge to spank someone else's child, so I don't see that as an issue in foster parenting. I don't know, though, maybe these children really will come to feel like mine, especially if they were placed for longer term than a few days or weeks. What makes me nervous is that admitting we have spanked may jeopardize our possibility of being a foster family.

We would only have children placed younger than our children. Not only do we not want to upset the "order" of our family, but I obviously don't have experience yet raising kids older than our kids!

We have a list of behaviors that we are supposed to check whether we would accept or not, and it's frankly quite horrifying. The best behavioral issues are bedwetting, stool incontinence, lying and hyperactivity. Some of the worst include fire setting and a history of falsely accusing past foster parents of abuse. Yikes!

So, this is why I very much welcome any input on what foster parenting is really like. It seems like there is such a tremendous need and I feel drawn to try to meet that need, but I also feel that my first family can't be jeopardized. I would like to think there is a way to care for both...