Frustratedearthmother's Journaling Journey

I hope you had a good Christmas, despite not seeing the grandkids. How have your parents been the past few days?
 
I'm in quicksand.... slowly sinking...dead goats and dogs around me. That's my recurring dream lately. And it could be true. I've lost 2 pygmy goats in less than a week. Our wet weather has caused a parasite bloom that I'm having trouble keeping on top of it. I did get some time over the weekend to start a deworming cycle. Obviously not soon enough. The two goats were both over 10 years old, but had looked good up until about 2 weeks ago. One of the goats kidded last year - she was Chester's mother. The other goat had never produced a baby. She was the only female in a triplet birth with two brothers. That combination can produce a freemartin which evidently she was....I never saw a heat cycle, but she was sweet and was allowed to live out her life here. Such a strange thing to see first thing this morning looking out of my upstairs window. Maddie was dragging her out of the barn. Every Pyr I've ever owned will not tolerate a dead animal around where the goats congregate. I've heard it's because the dead animal will draw predators who want a free meal... must be something to it. Coyotes were close last night and Maddie was alone with the herd.

I've had to keep Cowboy on a chain in the yard for the last couple of days because of all the comings and goings of hospice and home health and delivery folks... I hate it. He hates it. I found him this morning, in the neighbors yard. He had gone over the board fence and on the way down had hung a front foot in a gap between the boards. He was on his back feet or he would have damaged himself severely. I was in tears trying to get him loose. My whole life is not fair right now. Choose your poison I guess... elder abuse if I leave them alone and they get hurt or animal abuse because I can't get outside to take care of things. I keep promising the critters that I'll be a good mommy again...just hang in there.

I got sleep a few nights ago - not much since then. I'm running on about 6-7 hours of sleep over the last three nights. Mom is just gone, dad's been unable to get himself up on his feet under his own steam. He says his knees hurt - and they probably do. He's got a horrible cough - but thankfully no fever. I called Home Health and they had me start him on his "emergency kit" of steroids and antibiotics. Hopefully it will help.

Christmas night I got zero sleep - mom got zero sleep and dad got zero sleep. In fact dad, who made me promise not to separate them, asked me to call the Assisted Living facility and just ask for any two rooms... They may have rooms available soon, but if we can't get a TB test for both of them it won't matter because they have to have that first. I've called our community health organization and asked if someone could come outside to the car and administer the test, and NOPE, no go. The pharmacist at our local Kroger store offered to come out to the car and give them flu shots but someone from a clinic can't walk outside? Geeze louise.

The older female living in my house is not my mom - she's just a confused elderly, paranoid person. She wanted to sit on the dining room table. Caught her trying to climb in a chair so he could get on the table. We have been giving her books to look at to keep her occupied. I have (had) a beautiful 'coffee table' book of horses. She started tearing pages out of it yesterday. She wanted to know why I'm keeping children locked in the basement (no basement) and she wants me to let them go. She hears them crying. She thinks I'm stealing her money. She thinks I'm poisoning her with the water that isn't really water. I ordered her one of those activity dolls so she can hold on to it and if she's bored try to button snap and zip it.

My dad told me yesterday that he's sorry he never loved me as much as his other kids but that he's grateful to me for helping them. I'm just numb inside now. Just gotta get through this.

Gotta keep making calls about those TB tests.
 
Oh FEM I was worried things had turned for the worse when you were quiet for a few days. Hospice can't help you get a TB test? I don't understand why something that is required is so hard to make happen. I really really hope things come together for you like, NOW would be good.

I'm sorry about your goats too. That's just awful.

Serious hugs from up north :hugs:hugs:hugs
 
FEM, wrap your arms around yourself and hang on tight.. That's us all sending you a massive hug :hugs I'm so sorry to hear things are going so bad for you and the goats now as well… I wish I lived closer and was able to go over to yours for a bit and help, but know you are often in my thoughts. Fingers crossed they can help your parents SOON, though NOW would be better. When things are back to normal again and you and your dear husband can get away, you know you are welcome to come here for a visit :hugs As the Irish say, we'll take care of you.
 
Thanks so much, ya'll! I appreciate the sentiments so much!

It's probably wrong of me to say that this has become my personal hell. I am a nurturer by nature and I'm always trying to cure and fix things. I can't fix this no matter how hard I try... When they first got here I tried to keep them engaged. Bought them mind stimulating toys and games and anything I could think of to help them. I had them playing cards and games to try to keep their minds functioning on at least the basest level. Nothing works. Can't stop this disease and it really sucks.

It wouldn't be so hard to get the TB tests if dad could get himself around. I only have a truck and he can't get in it...was planning on borrowing a car from DIL, but maybe, just maybe things are gonna work out. DH's job is to go to different clinics and check their medical supply inventory, make sure their stock is up to date and that each office is in compliance with certain guidelines. He's at a neighboring county's health clinic this morning and they heard him making phone calls to different places trying to find some place that could assist and one of the nurses there is going to ask (beg) her supervisor to let her come here to do the tests. DH can read them since he's an RN. I've got all fingers and toes crossed that this will work out. The way things go around here how much you wanna bet there's a road block somewhere? OH well... still :fl:fl:fl:fl:fl.

I will survive this if we can have them placed within the next 7 - 10 days. It's simply not safe here for them. If I don't hear from AL facility this week I will be hiring sitters to come in at night. I hate the idea of a stranger in here - but I hate even more what happens every night. Mom started peeling up carpet tiles off of the floor in their room last night. Their room was a storage room and we had put cheap peel and stick carpet tiles in there a few years ago. They aren't so bad if they don't get much traffic or if your vacuum cleaner isn't too strong, lol. They really help keep the room warmer. For whatever reason she started picking at them and finding a loose corner and just pulling them up.

When she gets obsessed on something there's a slim to none chance of distracting her. Dad was laughing at her yesterday because she was trying to pick the flowers off of my big area rug. If it weren't so sad it would be funny. This morning she thought her paper towel might taste better than her breakfast. The list of incidents goes on and on.

I'm going to have their caregiver come in for a couple hours this afternoon so I can at least get out and feed.
 
Oh I so hope that works out for you! And them. Your dad probably needs a break too, honestly. Hope your caregiver is able to give you a nice break to be a farmer got a few hours.
 
One small victory....Hospice WILL do the TB test on mom. It will be next week so that's good...but she's never been the problem. I can still transport her fairly easily. I called Home Health for dad and they're going to have a social worker call me. Hopefully she will have some ideas - if not I guess we will try to get him in a car - or call a medical transport service. A small victory I guess...
 
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