I need words of wisdom from you folks

[shareneh]

I am not a person who airs my dirty laundry so to speak. I feel that I can trust all of you here and I don't know where else to turn. I have a problem with my sister and think that maybe you can help me.

My sister is 11 months younger than me. She is highly intelligent, kind, generous to a fault and the most loving person I know. She doesn't judge others and feels you pain when you are having a bad day.

I love my sister dearly. She has two little girls ages 12 and 2. The girls are the same as her. Nice, friendly, outgoing and forgiving. They are the sweetness in my day.

Now here is my big problem. I had to take my sisters children away from her last Thursday.

My sister is a very messy person. We all can be messy but she is extremely messy. To the point that you can't walk on her floors without tripping and the garbage piles up in the house. Literally piles up. I go clean the house and it just gets dirty again almost immediately. My sister doesn't feed her kids, she doesn't cook for them or bring anything home for them to eat. She doesn't notice them unless they are doing something cute. She doesn't answer to "mommy" when she is called and just seems uninterested in what is going on around her. My sister can sit on the computer, watch tv and talk on the phone for hours but she has absolutely no time for her children. This isn't even the reason I took the girls.

A couple of weeks ago I noticed the smallest one scratching her head and told my sister that the baby has lice. She didn't do anything about it. A week later I cleaned the baby's head and decided that since my sister probably wouldn't wash bedding and such I would do it for her. I went over to her house and found the most ungodly conditions there. I really just meant to grab the bedding and take it and wash it for her while she was at work. When I walked into the house the oven door was wide open and I found that she didn't have heat. It's been below zero for weeks now and it was really cold in the house.

Looking around there was the usual mess but now there were big piles of dog feces and dog vomit everywhere. It was on top of clothing piled in the laundry room, in every corner of the house and even in the bedrooms. She has four dogs and had been keeping them inside due to the weather for the past two months. My sister never bothered to clean up the feces! There were hundreds of piles of dog doo-doo in every single room of the house. I forgot the bedding, took the children and advised her that she isn't getting them back until the mess is cleaned up and she has heat.

It's been a week and my sister hasn't given me any sign that she is working on the house or heat. She has money, that isn't the problem. I really think she doesn't care.

My question is, what would you do knowing that she loves her kids but doesn't take care of them. I don't want to raise another family and I worry about the girls health.

P.S. This isn't helping my ss lifestyle, it has cost me twice as much grocery and supply money in the week I have had the girls. But I can say that the 12 year old has been doing half of my share of the chores and that is a nice bonus.

 

[reinbeau]

It sounds as though your sister is mentally ill somehow. It's good that you have the children, but are you prepared to keep them? The conditions you've described could cause the state department of social services (or whatever it's called where you live) to come in and take those kids and put them into foster care. Your sister needs help right now, with sympathy, but mainly some kind of professional help, and those children need care, good for you for stepping up to the plate.

 

[punkin]

God bless you for getting those kids out of there.

I agree with Ann. Your sistier has to be mentally unstable. She needs help. Have you spoken to her about talking to a professional? In most cases, insurance will pay the cost.

Has she always been this messy (really messy)? Did something happen recently to "push her over the edge"?

To me (just my opinion) if you love someone or something, you want to take care of it, especially a child. I can't imagine a 2 year old walking around with all that dog poop there.

Do you have any other family members who will share in your support of the kids?

 

[Beekissed]

You need to work with child services and try to keep these children out of the foster care system. Did you know you can earn money for them and their care if you step up to the plate and become their foster parents? AND child services can direct your sister towards the help she needs for her psychological needs(clearly needed) and help her with parenting skills(they have programs and classes).

If you could help them you could make the biggest difference in their whole lives...ever! God Bless you for caring enough to help them!

 

[MorelCabin]

I agree that your sister may have a mental health problem going on, and I somewhat agree with the chid services idea, depending on what kind of organization they run in your area. Some workers are good and helpful and others are not so great. I had social services follow us around for years due to my oldest son and his mental illness.

 

[FarmerChick]

shareneh

for me personally, I wouldn't contact or deal with social services on behalf of your sister. I would fix my own family problems. I would step in just like you are doing and do what I can for the kids.

Why no heat? You said she has money, is it broke and need a repair guy? Can you get it fixed for her and have her write a check to pay it?

This might be overboard, but can you keep the kids as a secondary home? See, for me family stays together and I would just step in and do what I have to do.......ALL THE WHILE chatting with my sister, putting her on a schedule so I could help her cope and handle things etc.

I know it means more work in our lives, but your sister sounds like a nice person and the kids seem well adjusted and friendly.......and while you are chatting, see if you can refer her for some help like see a medical doctor and maybe he can recommend some therapy if she warrants it.

I don't know gal.....you are under alot of strain cause of the kids put the added pressure on it.

I am sure glad you are there to help the kids!!!! I also think this type of situation is out there more than we know.....people struggling and then the family helping the kids.

Hang in there....your right solution will come to you.

 

[shareneh]

I thank you for your responses to my dilemma. I too think that my sister has a mental difficulty. It's like she is missing a chip or something. She does a great job at work, has tons of friends and can tell you anything about anything.

I did ask her to see a doctor for her attention problem but it is just with her children and her house. Nothing else. She can concentrate on puzzles, conversations and television. She can concentrate when we visit and driving. I don't know what to think. I am glad you guys mentioned the doctor thing. I think I will speak to a psychiatrist about her and see what they say.

I will say one thing. When I walked into her home and found what I did I felt devastated. First because I didn't know the kids were suffering like that and second that my sister has to live like that. I was so afraid someone would take the kids that I took them away myself. I felt like I betrayed her and that she wouldn't forgive me. I felt helpless to help her. I took pictures to document my actions and showed them to my sister. She said that she didn't notice the mess was that bad. She said it looked like clutter to her but after looking at the pictures she saw it.

The deal with the heat is that she let the propane run out. I don't know for sure when the propane went out but they think there is moisture in the lines now. She paid for a hundred gallons on Monday and our mother gave the propane man enough money to get another hundred at the same time. She didn't try to start her furnace until around 11pm last night. When the furnace didn't start she called me at work.

I gave her the number to the furnace man I use and she said she is going to call him today. She really balks at spending money on her house or kids though. She spends a lot of money on eating out and gas for her van. The family has paid most of her bills, (which doesn't amount to a lot) for the past three years. I guess she is either spoiled or isn't capable of being responsible.

If you guys can find out any information for people with this disorder please let me know. I am praying for a miracle now. I know if someone said all I had to do was clean up my house and I could take my children home me and pine-sol would be close buddies for a couple of days.

 

[annmarie]

My first thought when reading your post was also that you sister is suffering from a mental illness, or possibly drug addiction of some sort. I'm assuming you're confident that she isn't autistic or anything like that right? It's certainly beyond her just being "messy". BeeKissed has a good point about becoming a foster parent to the kids, that way you can be paid for the additional expenses incured taking care of the kids. I think Social Services might be the best route because it sounds like not only do the kids need help and you could use help caring for them, but your sister needs help too, and if it's addiction or mental illness, you are not capable of providing her with the help she needs right now, and it doesn't sound like she's rushing out to get that help herself. Social Services can work with you, the kids, and your sister to hopefully get things straightened out for everyone. I really do think it's imporant that you take care of those kids yourself at the moment. Whatever is going on with your sister, she's definately not in a state to be a safe parent right now. I'm so sorry for what you're family is going through. I can't even begin to imagine...

 

[FarmerChick]

yea it sounds like she excels in certain areas, then backs off in others...hmmm....

see my mother in law is a pack rat. Every stinkin' inch of her house is loaded with goodwill clothes, paperwork stacked up in corners, a million mason jars stacked all over, then add big furniture in a small house and you have a disaster.

What "trail" you can find thru the house looks clean though....but in reality it is not ya know. I sure there are dust bunnies the size of Godzilla in that house along with who knows what behind stacks of things and piles of junk.

She grew up poor. You never threw things out. BUT see where it gets her....a house she won't let anyone into....and to me that ain't living.

We can't go over to eat, the kitchen table is stacked high with tax info from the rentals, her bathroom toilet is falling thru the floor almost in the bathroom (over 100 yr old homestead house) and she has money to BURN literally, and it is not fixed????? I say to her, come on, spend 5K on a new bathroom. You got it to spend....oh no, you don't spend unless it is absolutey necessary, yet Ralph goes out and buys a $15K tractor in a heartbeat. I just don't understand how people live sometimes..HA HA HA


BUT I digress.

she might be the "type" that doesn't see the mess Share. Cause my mother in law does not either in a way.

maybe you and her and the 12 year old have a real clean the house party....from one end to the other. Goodwill stuff, trash stuff, etc. and get it spic and span. THEN when it starts to get a tad messy, call her on it ya know. Say, SIS, we had this very clean, look at it now...come on lets clean up a bit.

Even if she didn't see the mess, maybe she knows it is there and can't handle the "big clean"---maybe just overwhelmed with it and just forgets it.

I don't know...just throwing out suggestions. Cause all of the sudden something you do to help might click and the next thing you know she is a cleaning maniac..HA HA ---hey ya never know!

Your a good soul to help her! That is what family does, even though it gets old and drags ya down and ya wanna slap her with a frying pan, we do it for family....we help. That is a great thing!!!!

stay strong!

 

[Wifezilla]

I vote for brain cooties. Sounds like she has a hording problem.
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