JUSTUSNAK...Summer coming to an end!?

[justusnak]

Thanks Bee. I keep trying to tell myself..they are only material things...I will always have my mother in my heart, and my memories. It still hurts. I mean...I know... turn the other cheek...God will take care of things...but my face has been slapped so many times...I am not sure I can turn the other cheek any more. What really hurts...is I am letting him make me hate him, and essentially win. By hateing him I am sinning...I am trying...really I am. I just wanted a few things to wear close to my heart, to "feel" my mother...I miss her so much..and this hurts so bad. Oh, I dont want him to die....I want him to live a LONG, suffering life. See? There I go again...thats wrong...but I can't help it! Im tired, and I think I better go to bed...before this sets deep in my heart. Rest...sleep..and prayer. Thats what I need!

 

[Woodland Woman]

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Do you have anyone that could help out? Personally I would "borrow" the pictures. Or tell him you want the pictures in exchange for taking care of his animals. Would your mother have wanted you to have the pictures? My father threw away almost all our pictures in the years after my mother passed. Probably when he was drunk. We have had similar problems in the past with things and money. While it makes me really angry I have realized it is better to let go.

 

[Beekissed]

If it helps any, Deb....it is perfectly normal to feel what you are feeling. You are not a bad person or sinning to feel these feelings....you are merely hurt and angry. Some of God's favorite people in the Bible were angry and in despair about being persecuted by their enemies.

You are merely grieving your mother and this is a stage through which you will pass. You are a perfectly wonderful and delightful person...and don't you forget it!!!

You will work this out..but, until you do, please know that we sympathize, empathize and truly understand. You miss your Mom, you promised her you would take care of someone who has hurt you....no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed, confused and like you could gladly pound his head into a wall until the dumb falls out.

I've been there and am still dealing with this in my own family. There is a Bible verse about praying for one's enemies, as it heaps coals upon their heads. I pray for my siblings on a daily basis...not for the coals, but if that is a natural side effect, so be it!

 

[modern_pioneer]

I attended a service of remembrance last night to join people that have lost loved ones. I lit a few candles, one for Linda, one for Dad, and one for your son. There has always been a ton of faith for me in these matters, and so now 8 months later, faith allows me to live for living life, life is for the living. In a candle many flames can be seen, and it can light the way for us to see.

In 1989 I would enter into full scale combat where I would see more, I became more scared than ever, and understand what combat was. December 17, 1989 I was put on alert and did my job.

I sat in a foxhole on 25 December 1989, my mothers B-day, crying missing her when nothing happened. I was angry, not for paying the bill to bury her. There was no estate to settle and it was simple. I was angry that she had taken her own life, I was angry that she didn't think about me and how much I loved her. I felt as if my life didn't matter, but I had worked very hard to become a Ranger. To me being a Ranger was worth everything I was, even my own life. I placed a value on my life at that time, what it meant to others...

I never mentioned Mom committed suicide because its a shadow/label thing. Never mentioned anywhere here or on line, that she killed herself. Why mention it?

I find strength in you and you might not know it, but that is what it is, friendship. Sometimes I need to be there for you, its a long distance friendship written only in pixels and a few hellos.

Do you know you have great courage? I most admire that about you, your courage. I giggle every time I think of you taking home that fencing in the back of your truck. I also don't know how many people here also share the smell of starting a fire in their house in the morning to get it warm.... I read that post you made last year, and I could smell the smoke of lighting the fire in Moms wood cook stove.

I guess what I am saying is that life is for the living, and we have a short time here. The people that pass in our lives mean a lot to us, but we have to love them and live our lives as we only have this to live. I can't speak of the future, Dad believed that we were put here by aliens, no kidding....

I feel I was dealt a bad hand, but I have learned to play better poker because of it.

 

[CrimsonRose]

Hugs sweetie! I went through a very similar situation... Years later it still hurts knowing these items that were very dear to my heart are now gone forever... But I do have my memories of the wonderful people those items belonged to... and that's the most important part...

As for being mean or hateful towards him... well you are just venting... and trust me it really helps and doesn't make you a bad person for being upset... maybe while he is gone you could sell his dogs for 2 bucks and give him the money saying "I know you needed the money and though this would really help... now instead of having to afford dog food you can buy you a weeks supply of ramen noodles!" ROFL just kidding...

If there is an item of your mom's that you would like to have from the house... maybe while he is gone you could replace the item with something new... Then tell him you had to buy him a new _______ to replace the old one that was worn out or broken... ect That way it's not really stealing... If he pitches a fit you could always return the old item... but if you don't make it out like you WANT it... and you give him something new and shiny to distract him... he may not care and you could find a way to have something of your mom's with out causing an issue...

 

[dragonlaurel]

Make copies of those pictures fast and then put them back.
If he sold the other stuff from being heartless, karma will take care of things. If he really was broke at the time- he may have been too embarrassed to admit it then. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt will make it easier for you to feel better.

 

[lorihadams]

I had to watch all my great grandparents things auctioned off when great-grandma died....it was awful. Now...almost 20 yrs later...it doesn't matter. If you find something you have to have...get it somehow...otherwise just try to let it go. it's hard but sometimes that is all you can do.

 

[justusnak]

So, I had to go to the hospital today, SD was supposed to have stints put in today. I talked to his heart Dr yesterday. The Dr said, "Stints, or bypass, NO MEDS will work on this." So...he opted for the stints. I worked here this morning for 3 hours trying to thaw frozen waterers. Got everyone taken care of, made supper for hubby and packed his lunch...steak, baked taters, and brussels sprouts. Then I headed to "his" house and took care of his dogs. I let them out to potty....then filled food and waters...brought them in and gave them snacks...and gave lots of belly rubs. They can really be good dogs, when he is not there. Baron is a 10 yr old Rotty. WAY overweight, but so loveable. Boomer is a long haired weenie dog, blue merl. Beautifull eyes! Blue and brown. He is a little snippy when SD is there, but when I am there alone, he is so loveable. So we chatted for about half an hour...me and the dogs..then I headed to the hospital. When I got there, he was sitting up, getting dressed!! I asked WTH??? He said " the Dr decided the meds will work, and I am going home" Hmmm, Well, he is a grown man, I can't stop him, nor do I want to! So, I waited around for 4 hrs for them to get his discharge papers...and took him home. I asked if he needed to get something from town, dinner..anything, he declined. Said he just wanted to relax, with the dogs. Sounds good to me! Oh, and while I was there this morning, I was able to see in the garage. He sold the truck, my mother left to my husband. I begged him to SELL it to us, he wouldn't. Now, its gone. My head is spinning...I need to go spin some wool, and relax by the fire.
ETA: J..thanks so much for the kind words, and for lighting the candle for my son. I am going to let this anger go, I will not let him win. I will continue on with my life...and let him waste his!

 

[FarmerChick]

ahhhhh Just

you are just so tired....I can see it in your post

bone weary cold and tired


hey, the next time you are in that house----YOU TAKE something of your Moms. It doesn't matter what it is....it is not stealing from my point of view. It will not be missed I am sure so you take a small reminder of your mom and you hold onto it.

You don't need alot, you just need something.....the memories are in the heart but a small item for remembrance is always welcome by everyone in their home.....so go and get something gal! I would.

don't worry about the rest. SD can do what he wants. You just do what you can for him and let it slide.

remember one thing, you are a good person......I can see in your posts you are treating him very well and know it is the right thing to do even tho he is ticking ya off...lol

get some deep sleep...best thing for yo!

 

[justusnak]

Thanks FC, I AM tired, and cold, and weary. I am trying to keep a promise to my mom. God rest her soul..because mine will not.