Kids or No Kids? How did you know?

[patandchickens]

I don't know as there's "knowing", as in "...and being definitely correct, in retrospect". IMO it's like any other decision in life, sometimes you're right and sometimes not. The key is to cope acceptably-gracefully with turning out to have been wrong

For whatever it's worth, I never wanted kids. Not as in "OMG, keep them away from me!" but as in having no active interest in reproducing, certainly not any of this 'biological clock ticking' 'want to have a baby' stuff, and I always kind of figured that it would be best for me *and* for the hypothetical kids to just skip the whole thing and leave it to others who are more interested and better at it.

But, then when I got married, part of the deal was moving to Canada and leaving my career (there was no possibility of getting any sort of job in my existing career, up here), and my husband wanted to have kids (I have no idea why, I do not think he thought it through very well if at all), so I figured that if I was only going to be able to get a job flipping burgers or something, I sort of might as well go along with what he wanted and raise kids instead I guess that sounds bad, but I figured I could adapt -- I was an unwanted late-in-career "surprise" for my mother, and although she didn't enjoy motherhood she survived and did a perfectly adequate job at it, so I figured I could probably be reasonably happy learning to be a mom and not do remarkably worse of a job than anyone else does, on average.

Well, it turns out that while I still am very neutral-to-unenthused about OTHER peoples' kids, having my OWN kids is an entirely different thing and it is just the COOLEST thing in the world and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It is, by far, the best thing to come out of this marriage. (At this point, I wrote a longish paragraph trying to explain why, then reread it and realized it sounded really really stupid and cliche', and have deleted it because I don't think it's really possible to convey how I feel about being along for the ride as the kids "unfurl" and grow. Not everything translates well into words.)

So I was completely sure about my decision to NOT have kids, and distinctly UNsure about the change of plans; and it turns out to have been not only perfectly okay, but in retrospect I'm sure glad it worked out this way

JME, I am totally not suggesting that EVERYone who thinks they don't want kids would actually be thrilled if they sprouted them anyhow ,

Pat

 

[curly_kate]

I'd be interested to know what your DH's think of your decision. What did they want before you made the decision to not have children?

After all, isn't that what we are on this earth to do? Isn't that our "PRIME DIRECTIVE?"

DH was on board with this when we met. We talked about it soon after we got serious so that there was no confusion. And I really don't see it as my 'prime directive;' there are plenty of people working on increasing the population of the planet. I'll let them take care of that.

 

[patandchickens]

After all, isn't that what we are on this earth to do? Isn't that our "PRIME DIRECTIVE?"

I sure don't think so.

To me, the "prime directive" (morally), to the extent there is one, is to be a good person leading a good life benefiting others and benefiting the world in general that you live in.

Some people may do this by having kids that they raise up as good members of the next generation; but there are certainly plenty of other ways to contribute to society and to live a valuable meaningful life.

And I gotta say, given that not everyone CAN have kids, it doesn't seem very nice to define having kids as "what we are on this earth to do" :/

Pat

 

[Shiloh Acres]

As far as what the men think, I'd be interested to know too. But in my opinion, that is one of the most important things two people need to agree on before they reach the point of marriage.

I dunno, maybe I tend to overthink and overplan many things. But I think a number of things need to be discussed before thinking about marriage, and quite a few things are of the importance level that there must be agreement. This is not something either person should have to compromise their desires on at the whim of the other person.

And I can't stand the idea of folks marrying someone thinking they will make the other person come around or else just make sure it comes out the way THEY want (as in having an "oops" where birth control is concerned, or some other way of manipulating the situation).

It's too important (having kids or NOT having kids) to most folks to expect them to compromise. (Of course, sometimes life, nature, or true accidents or infertility tip the scales, but I'm talking about machinations).

 

[meriruka]

I have never wanted children. The freedom to do what I want with my life was always more important.
Over the years, many people have told me how selfish that is - and well, that's probably true but I have never regretted my decision.

I don't think that's selfish AT ALL. Why would they even say that? It's not like it's a requirement for every person on the planet to produce children. How rude!

I think it was jealousy I really have had a fun & interesting life so far......that's not to say life isn't that way for those who have kids, but the grass always looks greener for some people. I've always liked my own grass best.

 

[abifae]

I have never wanted children. I do well enough with my nieces, but I find it hard to spend time with the ones who are more social than I am. They're so damned NEEDY all the time.

My mom never loved me, and I know she shouldn't have allowed me in her house at all. So knowing you don't want kids and then not having them is a great idea. Most parents are TERRIBLE parents. I wish more people would think it through.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

I am totally not suggesting that EVERYone who thinks they don't want kids would actually be thrilled if they sprouted them anyhow ,

Pat

THIS cracked me up! I'm glad it worked out for you, Pat!

Icu, my husband was the one who suggested we get married when we did so that we could start planning our first child. We both wanted children, and we both knew we wanted to be married FIRST, even though we were living together, because being married first to us was the right way to have a baby (no offense to those who have or chose to have theirs differently. Personal preference and all).

Plus, I think his biological clock was ticking. He was 27 when we married, and I was 19. He was desperate that we'd have our first child before he turned 30 - as it was, he was 28 and I was 20 when we had our DD.

But, now he thinks he opened the wrong can of worms, because in his minds eye, 2 kids completed the picture and in mine 4 - 6 completed it. When our first son was born, he said that's it, we have our boy and girl, we're done.

Two years later, I told him I'd like to have 1 more. It took a few months of discussing it, and before we had really reached a mutual decision I got down sick with the flu, hospitalized, and the ER doctor said, "Well, you definitely have the flu AND your pregnant." So we jokingly say, "We were in the planning stages of deciding to plan another baby when the baby plan happened."

Number 4 wasn't planned by us at all, as number 3 was 11 months old when we found out I was expecting again. Those two boys are closest in age, being 19 months apart.

I would say I won that round, except by the time number 5 came a long I. was. so. done. I turned 30 that year, had a c-section 3 weeks early, and missed the window of opportunity to sign papers to have my tubes tied (and it's personal so don't ask if I am this time because I'm not telling).

I always said I'd not have kids after 30 or if I had a c-section. Turns out, someone else had other plans.

So, when we announced it, we told family we were having our second unplanned baby (because we DID plan number 5 - and didn't get preggers until we had passed the talking about planning for one stage ) and while it was an emotional roller coaster for us at the time, we've adjusted and a few of our family jokingly said, "Married couples don't have accidents, they have blessings."

And, my husband now brags to friends and family about all of the "little helpers" he has coming up because ALL of the kids, even soon to be 3 baby boy, love to help Daddy!

But I think I'm finally getting one that will be stuck to me this baby completely STOPS moving when Daddy tries to feel, but moves for me constantly!


I will add, other people's gets (including some family) get on my nerves when they are obviously undisciplined, untrained, and rude - but that's a parenting fault, not the child's fault.

 

[ksalvagno]

We chose not to have children because we were older when we got married and didn't want to be retirement age when a child graduated from high school. Later on we did try the adoption route to adopt an older child. We really thought it was God's Will and had done a lot of praying and talking to our Christian friends. Well, in the end the whole thing fell apart and we never were even close to adopting. All we ended up doing was going through the whole process including all the classes involved to have it all fall apart. We do wonder what will happen when we are elderly and have no children to take care of us but then again having children doesn't guarantee that they will take care of you. We are not unhappy about our decision and at this point definitely don't want any children since I am in my mid 40's and DH is in his mid 50's.

We certainly don't talk badly or think anyone is wrong to choose to have children, we just didn't want to have to take care of any ourselves.

 

[moolie]

Hubs always wanted kids too, 2 or 3 of them

He believes that people who go through life without having kids have "missed the boat" on an important part of "growing up". He sees older people who never had kids as somewhat immature, because they don't know what it takes to give of yourself for someone else the way that parents do for their kids. He thinks that is an important stage of life. I agree with him somewhat, and neither of us are judgmental of the decisions that others make for their own lives because we walk in our own shoes, not those of others.

He does definitely understand that some people can't have kids, and that some shouldn't or don't want to--he just feels strongly that they miss out. And he, like I, believes that people who want kids and can't have them biologically should adopt or foster rather than go through all the emotional and physical ups and downs and expense of fertility treatments--because there are so many unwanted children in the world. And all that struggle and strife often ends with a couple not being able to conceive anyway which must be such a disappointment after years and money spent trying while a child is growing up alone in an orphanage instead of in their home.

Again, NOT judgmental of the decisions people make, just opinions.

We have been so blessed by our two kids, and have learned so much from them.

 

[aggieterpkatie]

It's definitely interesting hearing the mens' point of views. My DH has 2 kids, obviously by a previous relationship and both of them were young. She was very young. We have talked about having kids before, of course, and I always was on the fence and said maybe one day "in a few years" I'd be more interested. He was always "maybe, but leaning more towards no". He's now pretty sure it's a no for him, and I'm still not sure. I don't really think it's quite fair of him to make the "no" decision seeing as how we're currently raising HIS two children, and what if I want my *own* child one day? Yes, I know they're my stepchildren, but when their mom has them half the time it's not like I'm their only "mom". I have a feeling things would be much different if she was out of the picture all together, but I have no interest in trying to take her place or anything....so on one hand I have to love them like my own but on the other hand they're not mine. How's that for complicated? We're just taking things one day at a time and if I ever make the decision that I do definitely want to have a child, he'll either want one or not. If not, well, then we'll have some issues.