LovinLife- Happy New Year's all!

[FarmerJamie]

Or mommies making up for a "bad" relationship they caused with their momma.


It goes both ways, sometimes, ladies. Just sayin'

 

[FarmerJamie]

Back to the OP.... as parents, we are battling the "don't harm the poor children's ego" nonsense with the culture around us.

Many things in life don't come with "do overs". I'm not saying you have to mean about it, but if you've laid out the ground rules and they were broken, sorry!

Our 12 yr DS last month blew a chance to go on a weekend fun trip with some of his buddies. Learned his lesson the hard way.

 

[Farmfresh]

One reason why WE, as parents, have to be careful about the consequences that we set for our kids.

This time it is water under the bridge.

For next time however ...

School activities (such as the old field trip) should be based on merit at SCHOOL. Privileges at home - should be based on home behaviors.

An important thing to always remember that will help you to set appropriate consequences is that ALL consequences should be Natural and Logical to the wrong action.

Examples :

1. Guy decides not to go to work for a couple of days = when he finally does decide to go in he discovers he has no job.

2. Gal decided not to budget her money and does not pay the light bill = lights are turned off.

3. Kid has a temper fit at meal time and knocks plate off of the table = dinner is on floor so kid does not eat at that meal.

Sometimes you need to get a bit creative.

Problem - (MY) kid always too busy socializing after school and does not come to the car even after being called many times. Two other siblings always ready to go on time.
Solution - Child sat down and given a detailed talk about WHY she needs to come to the car when called. Warned that in the future she MUST be ready on time. Teacher called (privately) and notified of plan in place and arrangements made for that evening. That afternoon - pull in to school parking lot. Load two children that are ready and waiting and promptly leave with them to the local ice cream establishment, buy favorite LARGE ice cream treat and then return to school. Collect crying socialite child and bring them all home.
Lasting Effect - Child who watches for ride and promptly leaves when the rest of the family does WITHOUT constant nagging.

Maybe I AM a meany.

 

[mandieg4]

I think there is a big difference between giving a kid a second chance by not enforcing the punishment and giving a kid a second chance by letting them fix their mistakes.

That being said, I also don't think a kid should be given the option to fix their mistake every time. There have been times my kids have broken the rules and had privileges taken away when they have come to me, apologized and asked what they could do to earn their privilege back. Occasionally I realize I have possibly been too harsh and let them work their punishment off. Occasionally I realize that they really didn't mean to do what they did and let them work their punishment off. More often than not, I stick to the original punishment. If they come to me huffy and whiny and disrespectful I don't care how harsh I was and how unfitting the punishment is, it sticks.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

Hey, I took dessert away from my just turned 6 year old a few weeks ago because he refused to help his brothers clean their room. BUT I did make him sit at the table and WATCH his siblings eat THEIR dessert!

I know I'm a mean mom!

 

[Wannabefree]

Mine hasn't eaten all day...of course she has the stomach bug.

I'm a mean mom too ya'll. Daddy is the nicey nice guy around here I'm the evil step-hag MWAHAHAAAA! :/ I'd like the role of good guy on occassion IF there is every any room left for it!!! Every family dynamic is different

 

[Farmfresh]

I think there is a big difference between giving a kid a second chance by not enforcing the punishment and giving a kid a second chance by letting them fix their mistakes.

That being said, I also don't think a kid should be given the option to fix their mistake every time. There have been times my kids have broken the rules and had privileges taken away when they have come to me, apologized and asked what they could do to earn their privilege back. Occasionally I realize I have possibly been too harsh and let them work their punishment off. Occasionally I realize that they really didn't mean to do what they did and let them work their punishment off. More often than not, I stick to the original punishment. If they come to me huffy and whiny and disrespectful I don't care how harsh I was and how unfitting the punishment is, it sticks.

I agree with this as well. First we do occasionally make mistakes. Kids should be able to witness us apologize and correct a mistake that we have made. It is part of the process.

I also think there is a LARGE place for forgiveness. When a child comes to me of their own accord and apologizes, they need to be rewarded for that. If there was a Natural Logical consequence to their offense, then that particular consequence will remain. I don't go around and clean up that kind of a mess. Perhaps they could be rewarded in another way?

I also want to go on record as saying that Accountability is only HALF of the program. There also needs to be GRACE!

"A person is a person no matter how small" - Dr. Seuss

And a person has physical, and emotional needs. If a child is tired, or sick or scared etc.. they need our love and compassion - NOT more rules. People need love and to be respected. I tried to be polite with my children, considerate and kind. Strict, but not hurtful. I expect them to treat me and others the same way.

My kids are grown now and they DO have problems. That said, even with problems they are all kind and caring people.

 

[LovinLife]

School activities (such as the old field trip) should be based on merit at SCHOOL. Privileges at home - should be based on home behaviors.

THAT is my problem. I feel like I made a mistake about saying he can't go on the field trip even though he's doing really good in school. In hindsight I shouldn't have threatened to take the field trip away for acting up at home....that's why I'm so torn. I've got to turn the permission slip in tomorrow morning and I really want to let him go. Can't I just say that I'm letting him go only because he is doing so good at school? I've got to think of something better than time-out for the summertime. I'm thinking marble jar?

 

[FarmerJamie]

School activities (such as the old field trip) should be based on merit at SCHOOL. Privileges at home - should be based on home behaviors.

Really? Angel at school, not behaving at home and that's okay? If the child was not behaving well at school, that doesn't have consequences at home?

From what he did, they seemed to be serious (pond and woods unsupervised). It's not like he didn't pick up his toys or something like that.

Good Luck, Loving Life, he's pushing boundaries to see where you will give and where you won't. Be tough, but just. Check back in with us in, oh, about 10 years.

 

[Farmfresh]

THIS time it is done, IMO. You already told him the consequences and he did it anyway. Therefore my kid would lose the field trip.

Depending on what is happening at school - yes there may be consequences at home. For example a child not doing their school work or making bad grades due to bad choices. YUP. They would have stuff at home to do and lose privileges. My own son lost the use of his computer for a school quarter due to bad grades that resulted from him not doing his assignments at school.

But if he is an angel at school and rotten at home, I still feel like home is the place to deal with it - NOT school.

Usually kids DO have consequences at school for misbehavior at school. They lose free recess play and have to walk laps instead or are sent out of class or may even have suspensions. For poor work they receive poor grades. These are the logical consequences that are part of our school system. It is a parents job to be aware of the child's behavior and the consequences that the school dictates. Sometimes we need to do a little "backing up" of the system. Sometimes we need to get involved if the consequence is not justly deserved (Example: lost recess due to poor grades which are the result of a learning disability) or not appropriate (Example: suspension of a kindergartner for kissing his girlfriend at school - since little kids don't yet understand sexual harassment).

If he is being disrespectful, disobedient and willfully disregarding the rules at home, it is definitely NOT OKAY. They will have a home based consequence.

We have had parents contact us and tell us how they want their child to be punished - while at school - for something they did the night before at home. We will not ruin a child's school day to do the parent's job. In the case of this field trip, however, it is very easy for the PARENT to prevent her child from going. All that has to happen is the permission slip is not signed or the kid is just kept home (doing chores) the day the class goes. Easy to do and obvious that it is the parent in control of the situation.