My DH won't even try

[Better Half]

Has anyone succeeded in getting their spouse to embrace the frugal lifestyle? Im at my wits end with my DH. Ill try not to turn this into a rant but he just went outside to wash the side of the house while leaving the bedroom light, kitchen light, the TV and the stereo on. This is typical. I follow him around turning stuff off. He is so wasteful and I really get tired of nagging.

Im the main breadwinner in the family which I wouldnt mind if he wasnt so wasteful. I bring my lunch to work but he buys his. He wont take the bus. I stopped buying perishable foods because it goes bad since when Im not home he goes out to eat.

His family is wealthy so he never learned to budget. Even if money wasnt an issue, which it is, environmentally it isnt wise to leave lights on, drive the one mile to the store etc. He wasnt like this when we met. Slowly over the past 14 years hes gone from a thrifty tree hugger type to Mr. Decadence.

Anyone else gone through this or have ideas on how to get him to save? He says he wants to, he says he'll try but he doesn't. I feel like giving up and maxing out the Nordstom card at their anniversity sale but that would just make me feel worse. What to do?

 

[Beekissed]

Now, I can't advise you on the husband thingy as I have been sans spouse for some time now....but, you could bank your money in a separate account and tell him that all utility bills and extra expenses will now come out of HIS paycheck. Any extra expenses incurred by his extravagence will be his responsibility and the utility bills will be auto deducted from his personal account. His paycheck will also be deducted for half the house payment and other monthly bills, leaving him very little to "eat out on" after all is said and done.

Now, as I have no idea how married people interact anymore, this probably sounds kind of harsh....which could explain why I am now single!

As you are still married to this type of man, I can only guess that you love him and still have a soft spot for him, so my guess is that you have a difficult time taking a hard line with him, which probably created the problem in the first place. You said he used to be thrifty and conscientious when you married him. I would explore what has changed since then.

Thats the total of my advice about dealing with men...as you can probably tell, I choose not to do so and live a much simpler, happier existence!~

 

[patandchickens]

Has anyone succeeded in getting their spouse to embrace the frugal lifestyle? Im at my wits end with my DH. Ill try not to turn this into a rant but he just went outside to wash the side of the house while leaving the bedroom light, kitchen light, the TV and the stereo on. This is typical. I follow him around turning stuff off. He is so wasteful and I really get tired of nagging.

I think LOTS of people spend LOTS of time, often permanently, at wit's end with their spouses over one sort of issue or another (or another and another and another), so you are certainly in good company

Speaking as a card-carrying member of that general club, I would have to say that what little I have learned on the subject boils down to: you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink and it's unfortunately illegal to whack him repeatedly upside the head with a fencepost til he falls into the water trough

On a more practical level this translates into: you should live the way you want to live, but you can't MAKE someone else want what you want. You have offered him the concept but it is his choice whether to grab hold of it or not. Many many men react very very badly to being told (esp. repeatedly) to do something, no matter how much they may even think it would be the right thing to do, so probably a good tactic would be to drop the issue cold turkey. Just ignore the annoyingly wasteful things he does. Go about your own life as usual. However, any useful thing that he DOES happen to do, hokey and manipulative as it may sound it almost always helps to praise him to the skies for it (in a plausible sounding way of course). Like, 'hey, thanks for combining those two errands into one car trip -- that saved us $5 in gas, if you think about it!" or such.

Im the main breadwinner in the family which I wouldnt mind if he wasnt so wasteful. I bring my lunch to work but he buys his. He wont take the bus.

For some people it would work to separate your finances to some extent, so that his choices impact HIS PERSONAL budget (not taking bus leaves less money for buying lunch, etc). And likewise you would be able to say, Hey, X comes from *my* earnings so we are spending it *my* way. People have strong disparate feelings on this issue but it might be something to consider.

Mainly though I suspect that you are just going to have to be in the position of being a frugal person living with an, uh, unfrugal one. He may come around someday, probably gradually, or of course he may not, but it is not like there is anything you can DO about it one way or the other and the more you push the more he is likely to dig in his heels and be contrary.

Good luck,

Pat

 

[S0rcy]

One of the painful lessons I have learned is that we can't change others. All we can do is provide an example for others. If he wants to go to a movie but you feel you should take the bus, don't drive in the car with him, etc. Ask him politely to please go back and turn off the light in the room he just left. Trying to nag him and change him will only create a nasty atmosphere. My husband and I built a firepit together so that we could sit outside with our friends in the summer and not use AC. Doing projects together makes us feel more a part of each others lives and gives us a chance to talk about things that are important to us.

 

[Tutter]

I want to start by saying that this new forum is a plot to keep me on the computer longer each day!

That said, I was going to say just what Pat did about nagging (I hate that word!), and praise.

Now to go and read. And choose a new avatar. And, and, and...sheesh!

 

[FL Peeps]

un Same issue going on here....I scrape, scrimp, cut corners to pay the bills....and he spends $'s we don't have

 

[Beekissed]

Hey, Pat, I've heard you can lead a horse to water and you can't make him drink....but you can feed him salt so he's reeeeaaaal thirsty!

I feel for you, folks! I only experience this with my boys but its still an ongoing battle to instill good habits. Maybe one day they will marry some sweet gal who won't have to nag them because their mom did all that for her!

 

[heatherv]

Better Half.....Are you married to my husband? hahaha! Except mine was never frugal.

I just constantly walk around the hosue and turn lights off after him (and t.v.'s and radio) and when I say constantly.. I mean constantly. I even have to get up in the middle of the night to turn them off b/c if he goes to bed later than I... he leaves EVERYthing on. I tried to do the praise thing... but the thing is.. he NEVER turns them off but maybe once a year. I tried the naggin thing.... no surprise that it didn't work. So I just keep on keepin' on. Now our 8yo helps me w/ the turnin' stuff off. He'll make comments like "geeez dad, don't leave EVERYthing on"

I do the grocery shopping.. and as long as I have foods available for him to eat.. he won't go out. I make sure I feed him early and something he really enjoys.... on days when he has to work away from home (usually evenings). If you packed your hubby a lunch (something you know he likes and would enjoy) do you think he'd take it?
I also stash a snack or two into his brief case. Me, knowing I can't change him, I've learned that if I'm prepared and do what I can to help him out.. and make things easier for him... then he's much less likely to spend extra on fast food/snacks/eating out...etc. Yes, it's extra work on my part... and it's not like I don't have enough kids to take care of already heck.. what's one more. Right?

If you can work out a deal to have seperate accounts and each person has responsibilities for certain bills... that may work for you two. (or not?)

Good luck!

 

[Beekissed]

I'm sure it happens, but I am wondering how many men have the same problem with their wives? Why is it that women must take the responsibility for these things? Don't the men get tired of making money just to flush it down the toilet?

Show of hands?

 

[yotetrapper]

I try to be pretty frugal, but I am absolutely HORRIBLE about leaving lights on. Yes, I admit it, he goes around turning the lights out after ME. lol.