Better Half said:
Reading over this for typos I realized he trained me to take care of everything.
It sure does sound that way, doesn't it
So, therein lies the way out, too, if you want.
I thought about getting a joint account for bills. Havent done it since I dont think he would make his deposits in a timely manner. <snip>I let the credit card in his name expire since he would charge $100 a month in $5-$7 purchases buying slurpees and such. <snip>Thursday he gave me money for bills. Today he said he gave me too much and asked me for gas money which of course I gave him.
It seems to me, if I may be so bold, that you are sticking your nose in where it has no business being, especially since you do not like the effects of it being there <g>. These should be HIS decisions to make -- whether to get a joint account, whether to bank his money and pay his bills in timely manners, whether to keep HIS credit card, what to do when what you pay out exceeds what you'd like to have in your pocket, etc. You know?
If you don't let someone make their mistakes and learn the consequences, they're not GOING to learn... and in an obscure way they are often resentful of it, even as they're also enjoying the luxury of being taken care of. It just feels disrespectful and unfair to them (correctly so).
At one point we divided up the bills. He would pay his share a couple of days late or not in full. That kind of stuff drives me crazy. Paying late fees is not my idea of a good use of money. <snip> He doesnt realize how much money he wastes.
The thing is, these should really be HIS problems and HIS decisions not yours? And whether it drives you crazy or not doesn't mean it's your place to commandeer his responsibilities, even if he just sits back and lets you. (I apologize for this sounding obnoxious, I really don't mean to, and in some ways I live with topologically-similar problems myself so BELIEVE me I know where you're coming from and how hard it is to break out of the rut
But it's TRUE. He's a grownup and deserves the dignity of standing, or falling and getting back up if necessary, on his own power, you know?)
A year ago when food and gas was much cheaper I just ignored his spending since I could afford it. Now Im starting to get bitter. The more he spends the more I have to scrimp.
Not if you set clear divisions of my money your money, which in this case sounds like would be very helpful to you both.
If I dont give him money hell just borrow it from a friend. If I let the cable or phone get shut off hell know Im playing games. He says he want to get out of debt and move to Mexico. I tell me they way he spends were going to end up under a bridge but that the only thing hes not buying.
So? He wants to borrow money from a friend, that is not your business, you know? His decision. HE's the one has to live with the consequences (it may have fringe effects on you too, but everything we do has fringe effects on other people and that doesn't mean they should get veto power over us
)
Letting cable or phone get shut of is not a game (unless you intend it as such), it is just a natural consequence of not paying the bills and if *you* are willing to live without the cable or phone then it's not your problem. (If you're not willing to live without a phone, you might get a cellphone just for yourself, if you find the house phoneless for a bit)
All you can do is live your life, and control the things you do have control over, none of which (inconveniently
) is 'other people'. If this is really a huge problem for you, you might get to the point of thinking about where the line is between what you will and will not put up with (in a global sense, not in terms of individual issues) to live with this person. But honest, you can't MAKE a husband be different than he wants to be, and my observation is that generally the more we try to make someone be the way we thing they oughta, the more they pull harder in the opposite direction. Men especially <g>
Good luck and sympathies,
Pat
