When I need to work things out, I write. I've done this since I was old enough to hold a pen. I do my "thinking" with a keyboard now, but it still works.
Here is what I came up with after "thinking" about recent events.
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I Care
My world is awash in the pink glow of the yard light as I trudge through the predawn stillness, my head down, my heart heavy with thoughts of the small souls who left this world after such a brief existence. Beyond the yard lights reach, my flashlight reveals the fresh, unblemished snow, as crisp and white as the fur of the tiny pup I laid to rest just a few short hours ago. I lift my head finally and the yard settles into place around me. The snow is new, pristine, unbroken but for the tell-tale ribbon of yellow in the snow bank to my left. This makes me smile, just a little, and reminds me that, while my thoughts are filled with death, there is life all around me. On a farm, where there is life, theres urine.
Farther on, white light again gives way to red as I step into the shed and into the blush of the heat lamp hanging in the corner. A white cloud surges up from beneath the light and becomes a dog, the newest mother in our little corner of the world. Her movement disturbs her puppies, who squirm and cry. Their limited perceptions know only that the warmth and security of that big furry body is suddenly gone. The sound of their desperate cries pierces my heart. I cannot tell them that their mother will return soon, her own belly full, ready to resume her new role as their custodian.
I am a custodian too. God has chosen me for the bittersweet role of steward, to a man whose mind is slowly betraying him, to virtual strangers who live alone and lonely in their declining years, stubbornly clinging to the last shreds of dignity and independence, and to all of the animals who share this small piece of land God led me to.
Yes, God led me here, to this place, in this time, because this is where I need to be. He created me to care for others, for it is by giving, that I receive, by feeding others that I am nourished, by relinquishing parts of myself that I become whole. Pain is an inevitable by-product of the role I have been given, every time I watch the man I love try and fail at something that was simple for him only months ago, every time I go to work and discover yet another client has been removed from our Home Care roster, their battle to remain independent over for good, and every single time I venture into the farmyard and discover that a brand new or elderly animal has slipped from this world in my absence. I grieve each of these losses, but from the loss, there is gain as well. Every time my heart aches, my soul grows. Each little piece of my heart that goes with the departed creature leaves room for a greater love, a deeper appreciation for the opportunity to touch, however briefly, the wonderful simplicity of the animal soul.
And then, as the mother dog settles again around her pups, they burrow deep and urgent cries fade to contented grunts. Stillness descends once again and peace wells up to surround me. There will be more losses, more souls young and old who will leave this little corner of the world, will leave me, but as each of those souls brushes mine, however briefly, I will come away changed. I stand as witness to the rhythm that is life and death, granted by God the rare and beautiful chance to experience both sides to the very fullest a human being ever can.
Because I care.
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Where are the pictures???
