Need Advice

[meriruka]

I could use some help diffusing a situation with one of my neighbors......

My closest neighbor (about 1/4 mile away) is an older married gentleman. He has been unbelievably helpful to me, teaching me about tractors & farming and takes care of my chickens when I have to go away for a few days. I like his wife, she is a good hearted person, but we have nothing in common and so don't spend much time together.

My fiance and I broke up almost a year ago now and since then this neighbor has been making advances. At first I though he was joking around but the past month or two, I can tell he is not.
He's making comments about 'sneaking through the trees to come visit me some night" and wants a hug when he stops by.
I respond to this stuff with "You couldn't do that to your wife, she's a sweetie & she loves you." and "Isn't it a little selfish to think you deserve two women, you've got a perfectly good wife to chase around" and "I don't think it's right to mess around with married men."

Today he shows up with a box of candy. I said thanks, but you shouldn't do that.....

I'll be honest, I am absolutely furious at this point, what makes him think I'd be ok with this? I'm not a hooker and it's completely against my principles to do something like that.
My city friends would advise me to just rip him a new one, but I think you country/SS people know how important it is to be on good terms with your neighbors, especially if you live alone in the middle of nowhere. I think deep down he is a good person despite this nonsense but I need a way to make this stop while still remaining friendly. It's getting to the point where I don't want to even answer the door anymore. What can I do?

 

[opiemaster]

My wife kinda had the same problem, she took a job as a waitress at the local restaurant and she had one older gentleman who thought that her being nice to him was a sign that she liked him. Finally she just had to tell him "hey, I appreciate your friendship, but I am married and I dont fool around. We will JUST be friends." finally he got the idea and cooled his jets. I let her handle it but if it didnt get anywhere I would have stepped in. Of course you are not married, But just tell him again that you are ONLY friends and you value his wifes and his friendship to much to fool around. And also let him know again that you are not a whore and it bothers you that he is implying that you should fool around.
If he mentions again about sneaking throught the woods at night to see you, just tell him thats not a good idea as you keep your 12 gauge loaded with 00 buck and if you see someone around your house you shoot first and let the sherriffs ask the questions later.
But then there are those people who no matter what will only understand a flat out "stop that crap cuz I aint playin" and slammin a door in his face. And then stay away from him for awhile and he might come around. You can also tell him that if this keeps you cannot be his friend anymore.
Hope this helps some. I wonder if the people who lived in your house before you had this problem?

 

[bibliophile birds]

i think you are going to have to be more direct than you've been. i know, that sounds ridiculous because you've politely made it clear that it's not going to happen. unfortunately, some people need to have it spelled out. this guy sounds like that is the case.

i agree, it's important to keep on good terms with the neighbors... when you can. i would suggest meeting him on neutralish territory (aka not your house). maybe a very visible paddock? just tell him very straightly that you appreciate having someone like him to learn from and you value the relationship that you have built with him AND his wife. then explain, very clearly, that living as a single woman in the country can be very difficult when lines of trust are crossed. tell him that his advances, real AND joking, make you uncomfortable and that makes it hard for you to be around him. make sure you stress the fact that you want to maintain the relationship you had with him before (if that's actually what you want) but that he needs to respect your boundaries and wishes.

remember to be strong and polite. if he's really the man you thought he was, he will respect your being straightforward and see that he's been inappropriate. if he doesn't, then you are better off having said your piece and removing the problem from your life.

obviously, easier said than done. good luck.

 

[freemotion]

As a massage therapy instructor, I have to teach my students how to deal with similar issues. Here is what I tell them....

If it is a blatant advance, an outright request for sex, escort him out the door and clearly state that he is no longer welcome, EVER.

That is not the case here....yet.

With the more subtle advances, if you want to preserve the relationship, you have to be VERY clear but kind. Use "I" statements, rather than "you" statements. "I feel......you are asking for more of a relationship than I am comfortable with" for example. "I am not comfortable with it when you.....etc." Clearly state the behaviors.....bringing candy.....suggesting/joking about night-time visits.....etc. "I have enjoyed a friendship with you AND YOUR WIFE and if we can return to that completely platonic friendship I would appreciate it. If we can't, I will have to distance myself from you and your wife, which I don't want to do. Do you have any suggestions as to how we can go back to the way things were?"

Just some quick thoughts, if it were me, I'd have to really think about it some more, write some things down, and practice. You might be able to preserve the friendship, although it will never be the same, it could still work. It would be awkward at first, but you both obviously got something out of the relationship, and there was a time that he did not view you as a potential girlfriend.

So first you need to decide if you want to preserve the relationship or end it. If you need to end it, the only way is to be very straight with him....no more hinting, most men don't get hints like women do. You have to bottomline it for him. "I am not comfortable with the way you are behaving (spell it out) so I will have to ask you not to come over anymore. I have high moral standards and would never participate in betraying your wife, and am frankly insulted that you would even hint at such. It saddens me that you view me in this way. Goodbye." And close the door. And lock it.

Sorry you are dealing with this.....how uncomfortable and awkward and annoying!

 

[meriruka]

Thanks everyone. It's kinda embarrassing and a little ridiculous...
I'm 45 for cryin' out loud, you'd think I could just find a way to deal with it. But my usual way is polite/firm then yelling & door slamming if that doesn't work. This situation requires finesse which is not one of my strong points. I don't have all that many friends here, it takes me a long time to make them - it always has, so I really want to be careful. I'll try to write something down that will work and practise saying it so it comes out nice but leaves no room for misinterpretation.

Opiemaster, the lady who lived here before me was 90 and bedridden and extremely outspoken/cantankerous, I think this is probably a new situation, at least, I really hope it was!

 

[pioneergirl]

I was reading this and wondering what I would do in your situation....then I read your last post about how hard it is to make friends, and to keep them. It was then that I understood completely how hard it is for you, simply because I'm the same way. Heck, I can't even keep a good friendship with my SIL's!

Anyway, my point is I have no good advice, simply because I'm just like you. All I can offer is and tell you to PM me if you ever need to vent, chat, or just shoot the breeze.

 

[dragonlaurel]

I hate to say this, but he may have had the wrong motives all along- while he was being so helpful. Some guys will be helpful to a woman to try to get a chance to get together with her.
Or he may like feeling needed and built a crush up from that.

He apparently doesn't listen well. You may need to get a little rude with him- some guys just wont get the message otherwise.

-Get rid of the candy in some obvious way, so he knows that it wasn't wanted. Maybe donate it to his churches potluck or something like that.
-When he knocks on the door- just open the window and say- "Go home to your wife".
-Tell him its insulting that he would try to use you to fool around on his wife.
-See if there are any guys around the area that you would like to date. Having a new boyfriend would be a clear message that you aren't looking for anything with him- and might be nice.
-Tell him if anybody is sneaking up to your house at night - they are likely to get shot, and you'd hate to do that to a good neighbor. Or get a guard dog.
-Focus on the fact that you are "not that kind of woman". His wife doesn't deserve this, but he doesn't seem to listen about that.
-Remind him that she might find out that he's chasing women.
-Tell him you value THEIR friendship but you don't want to be alone with him, because he got the wrong idea about things.

One of my old friends was married and I found out he was having an affair. I told him that "he better think really well what he was doing, because he loved his kids. If his wife found out, she could kick him out, get child support = alot of his paycheck, and it would make it very hard to be with his little girls." I also mentioned that "she would probably say some nasty things about their Daddy, because of being hurt". He knew that was likely. He still got caught. At least he was warned.

 

[freemotion]

Hey, you could give the candy to his wife without saying where it came from. That would be pretty obvious!

 

[ohiofarmgirl]

my first instinct would be to thank the WIFE for the candy the next time you see her....like it was a gift from both of them. that would make it clear to her that you arent interested in the monkey business and she could handle him.

i'm guessing he thinks that the big secret is exciting - once its out there i doubt if he is going to come sniffing around anymore.

but you are in a tough spot. yes you want good neighbors but not all neighbors are good people.

i have a friend who had 'good neighbors' and the hubby was over-friendly.. she thought it was harmless until they told my pal that they were 'swingers!'

however you handle it, and i'm sure you will figure out the best way, everyone is right - men dont get hints so you'll have to spell it out.

 

[cjparker]

I feel for you, because I've gotten myself into spots like that. What most women perceive as being friendly, some guys percieve as the beginning of something more than friendship. Sigh.

You say he is an older man. How much older? Can you allude to how much he reminds you of your father....uncle...older brother...former teacher?

You say you don't have much in common with his wife, but you do. You both like (well up to a point) her husband. You both live a similar lifestyle. I'll bet you could find some ways to spend time with her, where her husband would feel like a third wheel, such as having her teach you something about her domestic skills, or asking her about how she came to live there.

Good luck. I hope you can keep the friendship going until Mr Romeo moves beyond his infatuation.