Frustratedearthmother's Journaling Journey

[NH Homesteader]

It is hard to watch, especially when you're the one being "dumped on", which usually happens to the one who's around the most. Happened to my mom. My uncle wasn't around as much and he was the "important one" when she did all the work and visited all the time. Sigh. Getting old sucks. Watching other people get old also sucks.

 

[baymule]

FEM, you are not alone. My mother didn't like children. She didn't like her children either. She openly hated my older sister and sent her to the aunts in Louisiana every summer to get rid of her. She tolerated my older brother and ignored me. We grew up unloved and never knowing what it meant to have a loving mother.

When Mom had a stroke and wound up living with us, I went through the whole gamut of feelings. I did my best and I have no regrets. My sister never darkened my door. Not. One. Time. And I couldn't blame her. My brother passed away and Mom wanted to know why we were at his funeral. She just had no idea. Sad.

I was Daddy's girl, so I at least had one parent that loved me. He adopted my brother and sister, and he loved them too. But they never wanted to dig in the garden or do any of the things he liked to do.

All you can do is the best you can do. Take some time off from them, it sounds like you need it. You can't win with them anyway, they are being cared for, so don't feel guilty. You have to take care of yourself, you deserve happiness and if they are stealing your happiness, take a vacation from them. Their feelings for you are not going to change, no matter what you do. It just sucks and it isn't fair. But it sure made me a better parent and I made sure my kids were loved, felt loved, no matter what. And I'll bet that you were/are a fantastic Mom too.

 

[frustratedearthmother]

But it sure made me a better parent and I made sure my kids were loved, felt loved, no matter what.

You are right about that! I learned exactly how NOT to parent from my parents. My mother was so secretive and manipulative that she never wanted all of us to be together at one time because we might compare notes and 'out' her lies. I guess she never figured that we'd actually talk on the phone... My mother was an intelligent woman - her mistake was never believing that her children were intelligent too.
The last time I spoke to my sister before her death she told me she was pulling away from them because she couldn't deal with all the lies. A couple weeks later she was dead from an "accidental" overdose of prescription drugs. My sister was an RN...

I can't imagine spending my last days being angry and wanting to destroy one of my children. Just don't get it...

 

[NH Homesteader]

Oh my grandmother on my (estranged) father's side was the same! There were 5 kids in the family and she manipulated them so badly. My aunt, who I keep in touch with, is still a mess over it. The only one who escaped was my uncle who moved to Arizona. So sad.

 

[Mini Horses]

Getting old sucks. Watching other people get old also sucks.

It sure DOES!!! Sag & bag -- at some point your body just does this. Destroy mirrors -- because you wonder who that is looking back at you! You choose to remember what you want a lot, surely you are the 20 yrs younger that you imagine.

All you can do is the best you can do. Take some time off from them, it sounds like you need it. You can't win with them anyway, they are being cared for, so don't feel guilty. You have to take care of yourself, you deserve happiness and

I can't imagine spending my last days being angry and wanting to destroy one of my children. Just don't get it...

To both of these I agree and suggest that you MUST accept it is the disease of Big A -- the family is the one who suffers here because you must watch and cannot reason or change what is happening. One of my greatest concerns is trying to prevent this being a concern for my own children.

While I cannot know for certain what my own mother was experiencing, I can make a pretty good guess based on what she was saying/doing -- compared to what I knew from her thoughts & actions during her prior years when not affected. With that I feel she was just "living" in the moment she projected, nothing more. She had not control, just thoughts! Plus these thoughts & actions did not mean she really MEANT THEM because her mind was not functioning correctly or cognitively. Just running rampant. Often imagined happenings that never were real. (Like the people who came to take her shopping, stole her things, etc)

So, I tell my kids not to feel guilty because I really won't remember IF they were there every day, once a month or once a year. Hopefully I will know who they are whenever they are there & accept their visit without any other reference in time....just in the moment.

 

[sumi]

you all. FEM, I won't say don't feel guilty for wanting a break, because it's not that simple, but do take a break, if it will help you feel better, and it sounds like it will.

Parent-child relationships can be so hard…. My childhood was a mess, thanks to my mom. I tried and tried to make things "right" with us until my 30's and I was a mom myself. Heaven knows, I tried. Then one day I had enough of her abuse, selfishness, not caring about me or her grandson... I walked. Refused to answer her texts, or take her calls, to go see her, or contact her. She is still trying, via other people, to get hold of me. It's been years now. They found me on FB and messaged me, but I explained to them that I prefer not have her in my life and why and they respect it and support me. It was a hard decision and the guilt ate me alive for a long time, but at the end of the day it was what was best for ME and I'm at peace with it now.

Do what is best for you, FEM. You have been incredible when they lost their home and you took them in. I remember so well what you went through during those weeks and then afterwards. You were incredible though it all and admire you endlessly for doing what you did. If you feel you need a breather now, take it. Take care of you.

 

[frustratedearthmother]

To both of these I agree and suggest that you MUST accept it is the disease of Big A --

Perhaps his lack of a filter is the disease - but his thoughts and feelings are not. This has been the way my parents lived their life. My dad is like a banty rooster and has spent most of his life extolling is own virtues, lol. His life evolved around proving he was the "best" at everything. The best fighter, hunter, worker, golfer and (ugh) he even once said he was the best lover ever....

They never once in all the years my kids were growing up - not once - ever asked to see them...no weekends at gramma's...no vacations or sleepovers or anything grandparent-ly. My children have no overwhelming emotional attachment to them and I definitely don't shame them because of it.

Do what is best for you, FEM.

Thanks Sumi. I'm going to give myself a week off and see how that feels.

Forgot to mention that my duck eggs came in yesterday. I unpacked 'em and sat 'em upright in a carton overnight. I plugged in the incubator last night too to get the temp right. Gonna tuck 'em in here soon. I ordered and paid for 6 egg and was sent 9. Glad about that cuz one egg had a ding in it. I put a piece of tape over it and I'll give it a go anyway. It's just a tiny little sunken spot on the egg - and it's not broken through the membrane so it will at least get a chance.

Need to get the lawn mowed before it rains again...need to go to town and get feed but really don't want to...need to much the rest of the garden. Gotta get busy on my first day off!!!

 

[sumi]

That's a good idea. A bit of time away from work and all that will be good for you!

If the eggs' air cells are good (intact) lie them down as soon as possible and then hand turn them a few times a day. I hear that helps increase their odds. I was looking at the duck eggs in the butchery this afternoon, wondering if they might be fertile…. I am so broody it's not funny.

 

[frustratedearthmother]

I'll be checking air cells tonight. The shells are pretty dark green-ish so I hope I can see through them. I read somewhere to stand shipped eggs upright for at least 24 hours to stabilize the air cell and then lay them on their sides and do just what you said - hand turn them. I'm really worried about trying duck eggs. But, I have successfully incubated goose eggs. I wonder if it's much different? But, the goose eggs weren't shipped...

I moved a pig feeder into the pig pen where I have all the females penned up. Justincase I may or may not go visit my grand kids this weekend!! It's a good time to do it since I have these extra days off.... Not sure how Cameo will fare if I miss a couple of milkings....but if she dries up I can start separating Lucy's kiddo and milk her. Wanted to put the bucklings on Craiglist - but I can wait another week. Grandkiddos are MUCH more important!

I need to get busy! So much to do! And, it will be Christmas in May I guess since I've still not gotten their gifts to them! Whoopie! I need some good family time!

 

[sumi]

I heard incubating goose eggs are more difficult than duck eggs. I incubated duck eggs for a friend some years ago and did them exactly the same as I do chicken eggs. Got 100% hatch! I think if you lay them down after 24 hours they should be fine, provided those air cells are intact

Time with the grandkids sound fabulous!