gettinaclue
Almost Self-Reliant
We go through this every once in a while ourselves. I totally understand what you are saying and how you feel. I now hide the money. Problem solved.
Lorihadams-- hi guys...been busy!
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HEChicken
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I'm the opposite - I hate having cash around because of fear of getting broken into and having it all stolen. About a month ago my purse was stolen. The thief(s?) went on a spending spree and spent between $2-3K on my credit cards (I reported the cards stolen and was deemed not liable for the charges). I was so glad I had less than $5 cash in my wallet for them to steal.
That said, in my first marriage, we had joint accounts. XDH was a smoker and it used to annoy me no end that *I* was paying several thousand a year on tobacco I don't use. One of the best things about becoming single was having total control of my money for the first time in 14 years. I earned it, I spent it - I loved not having to worry about where else it was being spent. So when I remarried, new DH and I decided to maintain separate accounts. This is the best way to go, in my experience. Now he and I can each spend our own money without comment from the other. If I want to spend a huge amount on hatching eggs from eBay, he won't say a word because its mine to do with as I wish. Likewise, I don't comment on, or question any money he spends. When it comes to necessary expenses like groceries, the only argument we have is who *gets* to pay. Our kids laugh at our "fights" because they go something like "No, you paid last time. Its MY turn to pay this time".
I understand the "cash burning a whole in my pocket" mentality because one of my good friends has a DH with the same affliction. More than once she has borrowed money from me to buy groceries so she can feed her kids, and then I go visit and her DH is sitting there playing the newest XBox game (while she is confiding to me their electric may be cut off because they couldn't pay the bill). Yeah, um, I gave up offering advice on that one because it fell on deaf ears.
Not sure what you can do with a DH who doesn't respect boundaries though, other than just hide the money. I'm not an advocate of secrecy within a marriage but this sounds like a situation where you need to open an account (with or without his knowledge but definitely one that he is not a signatory on) and deposit your egg money into it so that he can't steal it from you. I know it makes it less accessible than cash but perhaps making it safer would make up for that?
That said, in my first marriage, we had joint accounts. XDH was a smoker and it used to annoy me no end that *I* was paying several thousand a year on tobacco I don't use. One of the best things about becoming single was having total control of my money for the first time in 14 years. I earned it, I spent it - I loved not having to worry about where else it was being spent. So when I remarried, new DH and I decided to maintain separate accounts. This is the best way to go, in my experience. Now he and I can each spend our own money without comment from the other. If I want to spend a huge amount on hatching eggs from eBay, he won't say a word because its mine to do with as I wish. Likewise, I don't comment on, or question any money he spends. When it comes to necessary expenses like groceries, the only argument we have is who *gets* to pay. Our kids laugh at our "fights" because they go something like "No, you paid last time. Its MY turn to pay this time".
I understand the "cash burning a whole in my pocket" mentality because one of my good friends has a DH with the same affliction. More than once she has borrowed money from me to buy groceries so she can feed her kids, and then I go visit and her DH is sitting there playing the newest XBox game (while she is confiding to me their electric may be cut off because they couldn't pay the bill). Yeah, um, I gave up offering advice on that one because it fell on deaf ears.
Not sure what you can do with a DH who doesn't respect boundaries though, other than just hide the money. I'm not an advocate of secrecy within a marriage but this sounds like a situation where you need to open an account (with or without his knowledge but definitely one that he is not a signatory on) and deposit your egg money into it so that he can't steal it from you. I know it makes it less accessible than cash but perhaps making it safer would make up for that?
I have that problem with myself! I have to stash money where I won't think to get it out or I spend it. I never carry more than $10 because it is too easy to spend. I carry a debit card- I am not tempted to use it for coffee and small stuff because it is embarassing to pay by card.
I would be royally ticked at the constant dribbling away of money I thought I had, though.
I would be royally ticked at the constant dribbling away of money I thought I had, though.
FarmerChick
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I am luckier on this one.
I have $6-7-8 hundred in a vase. I tell hubby if he needs some take it, but he never does. Whew....plus this is cash vacation money so he knows what it is for obviously (and super emergency $ if needed fast)
don't go crazy Lori it isn't worth it....and darn right I would hide my stash. Simple as that. You know the problem, sticky fingers that can't help themselves, so make sure the cash is not there to be taken.
but I would have a small cash fund for hubby...drop in a $5 and $4 ones.
Drop in a $10 every now and then...not much but cash for him if needed.
What I do is just take $20 and put it in Tony's drawer. Where he keeps his keys, wallet, crap, etc. Then a few days later I drop in a $5, or $10 and so on. Keeps cash in his hands.
I love love love money and hate hate hate money..LOL it truly can be a pain.
I have $6-7-8 hundred in a vase. I tell hubby if he needs some take it, but he never does. Whew....plus this is cash vacation money so he knows what it is for obviously (and super emergency $ if needed fast)
don't go crazy Lori it isn't worth it....and darn right I would hide my stash. Simple as that. You know the problem, sticky fingers that can't help themselves, so make sure the cash is not there to be taken.
but I would have a small cash fund for hubby...drop in a $5 and $4 ones.
Drop in a $10 every now and then...not much but cash for him if needed.
What I do is just take $20 and put it in Tony's drawer. Where he keeps his keys, wallet, crap, etc. Then a few days later I drop in a $5, or $10 and so on. Keeps cash in his hands.
I love love love money and hate hate hate money..LOL it truly can be a pain.
hillfarm
Lovin' The Homestead
for me and hubby we worked it out by him paying a part of the bills. 200 a week goes straight to the pumpkin. For bill use only.
I use that with my check to cover bills. What he has left is his and same for me. We are lucky. Our bills average about 1600 a month or so. Now groceries we split. He picks up a few things as do I. But we have agreed to be frugal and buy bulk and not buy lots of luxury foods.
Bonus has been a new ceramic pumpkin for our building and home improvement fund. We are working on our house with that one.
Now as far as cash on hand, yep, hubby will help himself to undesignated money. He sees it as open. I am sure to put it in my purse out of sight, if its on the dresser, fair game in his eyes. And hubby has an exspensive chocolate milk and donut habit.
My kids have learned to keep their money well hidden. My ex, their bio dad has the opinion of whats there's is his and will dig for their allowance money if they bring it with them for visits. He tells them he's borrowing it for gas, then wont repay it because he used the gas to take them somewhere.
I use that with my check to cover bills. What he has left is his and same for me. We are lucky. Our bills average about 1600 a month or so. Now groceries we split. He picks up a few things as do I. But we have agreed to be frugal and buy bulk and not buy lots of luxury foods.
Bonus has been a new ceramic pumpkin for our building and home improvement fund. We are working on our house with that one.
Now as far as cash on hand, yep, hubby will help himself to undesignated money. He sees it as open. I am sure to put it in my purse out of sight, if its on the dresser, fair game in his eyes. And hubby has an exspensive chocolate milk and donut habit.
My kids have learned to keep their money well hidden. My ex, their bio dad has the opinion of whats there's is his and will dig for their allowance money if they bring it with them for visits. He tells them he's borrowing it for gas, then wont repay it because he used the gas to take them somewhere.
Denim Deb
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I used to have the same problem. Now, I have a checking account and a savings account that he knows nothing about. The statements go to a P O box. I don't know how many times I had the money saved for something, and he HAD to have money. No more. Plus, I need something to fall back on if I ever do leave him.
gettinaclue
Almost Self-Reliant
How do you work this with taxes? Do you file seperately?Denim Deb said:
Denim Deb
More Precious than Rubies
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I keep the balance down. If you don't make much in interest, they don't even bother to submit it to the IRS. I've seriously been thinking though of putting the money in a safe deposit box instead. I don't make much interest, so it's not like I'd be losing a lot.
pinkfox
Super Self-Sufficient
my father and my ex are both like this...
dads...well, hes the one working the big job, mum has her work money in a seperate account for her car bill, but he makes the rest so he sees it as his money and he will spend it on whatever he wants...
we cant keep cash in the house ect because its "his" and will get spent.
my ex though was terrible with money, hes spend his, then hedtry and spend mine, hed frequently get upset becuase i REFUSED to get a joint account with him.
he also always bugged me to co-sigh for loans and lines of credit which i REFUSED to,
his credit was shot so he couldnt do it on his own and wanted to use my good credit to "help".
we were together for 5 years and i almost said yes a few times, but now im SOOO glad i never did. ive found out that since then (when his credit score was slowly going up as i made him pay bills on time) that his credit score has gone down again, its under 400! (from 650 when we were together 2 yrs ago)
dads...well, hes the one working the big job, mum has her work money in a seperate account for her car bill, but he makes the rest so he sees it as his money and he will spend it on whatever he wants...
we cant keep cash in the house ect because its "his" and will get spent.
my ex though was terrible with money, hes spend his, then hedtry and spend mine, hed frequently get upset becuase i REFUSED to get a joint account with him.
he also always bugged me to co-sigh for loans and lines of credit which i REFUSED to,
his credit was shot so he couldnt do it on his own and wanted to use my good credit to "help".
we were together for 5 years and i almost said yes a few times, but now im SOOO glad i never did. ive found out that since then (when his credit score was slowly going up as i made him pay bills on time) that his credit score has gone down again, its under 400! (from 650 when we were together 2 yrs ago)
TanksHill
Super Self-Sufficient
Lori, I am sorry to hear your mad money was depleted. 
Take a deep breath.
In the past couple years you have really gotten a good hold on your finances. If I am not mistaken you already dug yourself out from under lots of debt.
I like Karen's idea. Leave some money out for him. Don't tell him your monitoring it or even call it an allowance. But everything else you have plans for.... Hide.
It's hard for me because I do not have an income. So I can't really say "no you cant have any money". But I do tell him that the money is for this or that. And don't spend it.!!
it sometimes works.
g
Take a deep breath. In the past couple years you have really gotten a good hold on your finances. If I am not mistaken you already dug yourself out from under lots of debt.
I like Karen's idea. Leave some money out for him. Don't tell him your monitoring it or even call it an allowance. But everything else you have plans for.... Hide.
It's hard for me because I do not have an income. So I can't really say "no you cant have any money". But I do tell him that the money is for this or that. And don't spend it.!!
it sometimes works.
g
