so, i met a guy...... <3

[Neko-chan]

...

 

[aggieterpkatie]

Well, this P.I. thing is working out! I sent a message to the girl on FB who is also friends with this guy, and here's her reply:

Lol! Yes I do know ________! He's a super nice guy and I've been friends with him for a long long time! I met ________ years ago back when I was dating this idiot who was friends with _______too. If I've done my calculations right, I've known him about 8 years. Thanfully the idiot boyfriend is gone but me and ________ have stayed friends. I don't get around to see him much anymore due to my busy schedule but we chat online often. I'm also friends with his brother __________ who is older than him and his parents are really nice too. I can't think of any red flags with _______, he is a genuine guy. Hard to find a guy like him and I've told him that, but I never did go out with him because he is too much like an older brother to me. I won't mention to him that you msged me on Facebook!
I agree, you can't be too careful when meeting new ppl online. I only friend ppl who I actually know. I think that's why I don't have a gazillion friends like lots do! lol.
Just let your friend know that ___________ is a super sweet guy who is very funny too!



Hope that helps!!

Signed,
Katie, P.I.

 

[Icu4dzs]

OK, my $.02. Since I am probably old enough to be your GF, this comes from a long history of experience from several perspectives such as a) getting my heart broken multiple times by younger (not adolescent) women when I was young, too. b) have had a dd who took some hard falls with guys that she even knew in the immediate area and c) listening to people in general "unload" in the office after a particularly difficult separation of affection.

First a professional assessment from a "dad/GF aged guy"
How does this very agreeable guy make a living? He is 29 so he has had plenty of time to establish his bona fides in the world of self. I do mean self. His personal identity and his way of doing things is important. Does he REALLY know who HE IS? Has he ever been married before? He mentions his folks won't "clean the place up. That is a BIG red flag about personality. Personality is formulated primarily in the first two years of life way before true consciousness occurs.

Look at his parents, evaluate THEIR relationship and determine the probability of that being YOUR LOT as well. Do they love each other? Do THEY support each other? Do they work together? If the answers to these things are YES, then your probabilities for success are increased but still not absolutely assured. Has he ever hit her or has your "intended" ever hit others? Big important thing to learn. If Dad has hit Mom, your guy has seen that happen and it imprints. Find out FIRST!!!

Can he cook? Can he take care of himself? Is he a complete slob? Does he know how to do laundry and clean his own environment. (living at home indicates that he may NOT know these skills because he has a Mom to do it.) You won't want to be his Mom, you want to be his "other half" implying equal and fair distribution of labor, etc.

Living at home is to me somewhat of a "red flag" in that he needs to find out who he "REALLY IS" before attempting to begin a life with a woman. What kind of work does he do and most importantly WHAT DOES HE DO WITH MONEY? Is he saving it all while living at home or is it going into the local pub till? Has he invested his money or is it all spent?

How does he spend his time? Does he watch TV and sports? (Honey bring me a beer so I can watch this game...) Does he get his chores done? Does he "drink"? Does he smoke? (big red health flags here) Does he read books or have any hobbies that are in some way contributing to the betterment of himself, his family, his community or the world in general?

By 29, he should be somewhat "established in his way of thinking." When he tells you what you want to hear, what are you really hearing? It would be a very good idea to learn about the "sociopathic personality" before doing anything "permanent" with this guy. (I have a friend living in Colorado who got really burned by a guy who was not only married to multiple women when she married him, but an ex-con who got picked up by the feds while they were in her home after being married for several months. ) She knows of a website where women are lamenting their "poor choices" of guys who say and "think just like they do" until the truth comes out and the pain is excruciating for their hearts. So, the FBI check is probably a good idea even though your friend has known him for 8 years...21 is old enough to do "hard time".

If you want to know about a man, (or a woman) look at their "environment". Is his room clean and neat? Does he leave stuff all over the floor? Is he precise with his material possessions?
Look at his car. Is is well maintained? Does it need an oil change for the past 4 years or is it in good condition? Can he fix what he owns? Can he make a garden? Just wanting to be "into all that SS stuff" doesn't mean he has developed any of the life skills that you may need if your ability to earn a living fails or is put on hold for any reason.

If you really want to know about this guy have a dinner with him and insist that HE COOKS it. That will give you a good idea if the 29 years of his life have been wisely invested in the skills of SS that you seem to seek. On the other hand, don't make assumptions or judge people by their family. Some families are full of serious pathology and some folks turn out quite nice despite that fact.

You live on a farm in Oh hi uh (as SKR8PN says). His first trip to your family homestead should tell you many things. See how well he can pitch in and help around the farm without having to be told what to do. Can he really hook up anything to the tractor? Does he know anything about a diesel engine? Can he weld? Can he use tools and work with wood and metal? Basically, can he support you, not YOU support him?

Depression is a difficult disease to manage and can get much worse at times. Suicide is the ultimate result of uncontrolled depression and you need to find out a lot about what he means by depression. Is he just a little dysphoric from time to time or does he really melt down and curl up into a ball and cry for weeks at a time? Better to know now than find out when he has to be admitted to a hospital.

When I was growing up, there was a saying, "There are four places to meet a wife/husband; work, school, home or church"
Now with the internet, your ability to "meet someone with "like features" exists and a number of the women here on SS have told you about their good fortune meeting DH on the Internet.

The internet also provides a very good smoke-screen for the ones who are looking for a "free ride" or other more devious purposes. While I am NOT suggesting this man is doing that, I am NOT suggesting that you be un-wise and fail to perform your due dilligence in discovering his "TRUE identity" both technically and emotionally.

A number of the more wise women have told you to "be careful" and that is a very nice thing to say, but have given you no meaningful or specific advice/suggestions as to what to do to be careful. You will note I have added my own perspective as not only a man, but a father of a DD and hopefully someday a GF of her children.

The one thing that no one here has mentioned is the fact that everyone has assumed that YOU are the prize and he is the one to be scrutinized. That IMHO is very short sighted in scope. It is also fair for you as a potential partner of this man to assess what YOU bring to the relationship other than the physical attributes of 46 XX.

What skills do you have as a 19 year old woman? You grew up on a farm. Are you able to manage that farm by yourself if your dad/mom becomes unable? Do your chores get done without a fight? Can you drive that tractor? Do you know when to plant? Do you know what to do for mastitis in one of the cows?

What do you bring to the "relationship" other than beauty? You need to be part of the deal as well. A man should not have to inherit a "princess" whose orientation to life is "buy me this and that" and do nothing. Similarly, are you a slob? Does your mother pick up after you? Unfortunately, I will probably get blasted for this particular part of my post but I happen to know that girls are NOT ALL the singularly faultless participants in any disagreement. My DD is a slob. She leaves her stuff on the floor of any room where she lives.

Now that she is living with a SO (much to my disappointment for a number of reasons) she may have become a little more responsible for the cleanliness of the environment; or at least I certainly hope so. Another thing you should bring to the relationship is enough education and a "sense of self" so that you are comfortable with your OWN identity. No one likes to hear that "I need to leave you so I can "find myself"" What a cop out.

When you make the decision, it should be with the intent on keeping your promise because I'll bet your parents will tell you that too!

I wish you the best. I offer you the benefit of way too much experience...don't ask me where/how I learned all this stuff.

Best
//BT//
Trim sends

 

[glenolam]

Great PI work katie!!!! Wow - what a great bunch of people here who are willing to put themselves out there (whether on the PI scale or chipping in their $0.02)!

Icu - I think what you said was very very well said and worth noting. We're very one-sided here because we're only talking with HALF the "couple" and it's nice to be reminded that there are always two sides to the story.

 

[elijahboy]

ya, he's living with his parents. he said he doesnt wanna pay rent on a place when he could be making payments on it. why pay rent and rent and rent when you could put that money toward a place of your own. and i agree with it completely.

*****if hes 29 then he should have already put money towards his own place. seems to me he is still there because he is enjoying the free ride. hard to get a man thats already got that mindset to get off the couch and away from the video games.


yes, i know all about his health problems and i understand what you mean about that. he's on some medicines and i've talked to him during times when he's been all sad and times when he's been grumpy. and i've been sad and grumpy on the phone before too.

******thats being sad and grumpy on the phone but could you really deal with him 24/7 and the mood swings?

he said his yard looks all redneck cause his family wont keep it clean and he gets tired of cleaning up after them all.
which i get because my yard is the same

******the question is does he REALLY care about the yard? But to elaborate i think he might just be a slacker.

But i have noticed a trend... Every time you say something that you know others will think is a deal breaker you also say something to make it sound better usually about yourself. I think if you meet he will freeride with you just like he is with his parents it may take a couple of months but surely it will happen. People cant hold on to a fake image too long. Its good to be friends but keep your distance.

He lives with his parents, wont clean the yard, and hes grumpy.

 

[tortoise]

I dated lots and lots of guys. Think first dates... no second dates. I learned A LOT about finding the important things.

1. Flexibility. Will he change his schedule to meet you? My bad date example - he couldn't go out on the night I was free because he plays darts at the bar that night.

2. Car. Any car is a start, but the inside of the car is important. My fiance's car was clean, rust-free on the outside. Vacuumed, dust-free on the inside. My bad date examples: no car, old nasty rusty loud beater car.

Tip: First date question that comes off as funny and interesting, but gives a lot of information: What is in the trunk of your car? My fiance had an emergency kit and nothing else.

3. Job. A respectable occupation. There was a guy I would have dated except he was a manager at a gas station - at 31 years old. One guy I liked was an engineer. My fiance is a veterinarian. By 30, anything less than a "real"job shows anything from being unable to get along with other, lack of education, lack of motivation, lack of self-respect. I'm prejudiced against unemployed. Yes, economy sucks and you got laid off, but find a new occupation, education whatever it takes to get back on your feet.

4. House. Living with parents is not OK (IMO) for reasons above. Cheap apartment, crashing with friends, etc. So not OK. By 30 I expect a homeowner or a VERY nice, long-term apartment.

What is in the house is important. Check out bookshelves and DVD collections. LOTS of information there!

5. Tipping and the Mother. Go out to eat and make note of his tip. Stingy tipper - no way. My fiance never tips less than 20%. And that was one of the main reasons why he got a second date! How he treats his mother is also important, he must show respect for her. Tipping and mother are a good indicator of how he will treat you later in a long-term relationship.

6. Family. Must be free of crazies and drama. I liked my ex-husband, but hated his family. When you are in a long-term relationship or marry, you get married to his entire family! It only takes a tiny bit of drama and I am gone. I've found it is also very important that he does not come from a broken family, that his parents have set an excellent example of a healthy relationship. His family should get along with your family. My fiance's family and my family are perfect analogs and everyone more than gets along.

7. Perfection. Perfection = bad. My sister met a guy online who was squeaky clean. He flew from CA to WI to meet her. They met at my house. I DID NOT like him, something was "off." But she was swept away and moved to CA with him. He turned out to be verbally and physically abusive. She somehow got him to fly her home, and destroyed the ticket home, mailed him the engagement ring back.

Flaws are important. Everyone has them. The secret is to find someone who's flaws don't bother you. My fiance's flaws: he works too hard, goes hunting and fishing. Goes fishing a lot. He's not really social (but he can hold his own at a fancy event). He's stoic and mostly unemotional. He is boring. I like a man who works hard. I like a man with a passion/hobby - his own interests. I like to go fishing with him. I'm not particularly social, but more than him. I am excessively emotional and his steadiness helps me. Boring is good. Drama follows me around and being with him has been calming, relaxing and I've been able to throw off most of the drama.

8. Transparency. My fiance could tell I don't trust easily. He left me alone in his house while he had to leave on a farm call, he gave me a green light to go through all his cloests and drawers. (And I did!) He let me search through his computer, browsing history, photos, his will, taxes, bank accounts, investments, everything. He's not good enough with computers to delete history or hide files.

I spent 6 months trying to figure out what was wrong with him. (I don't trust easily). I found nothing. 2 years later... still nothing.

9. Distance. A very good thing. 1 date a week for the first 4 - 6 months. My fiance and I lived 45 miles apart so it was easy. Distance made a big difference in the health of our relationship.

This stuff is WAY more important than how you feel. You'll find hundreds of men that are funny, exciting, charming, you can talk to endlessly, etc. But to find someone you can live with... that's a big deal. Think of it as a job interview where he is applying for the position. Don't get emotional, keep a rational reality-checklist. If you want to have children, look for a man who can be a father first. Finding a lover is easy. Finding a father for your children is not easy.



BTW my fiance is 34, I am 26.

DO NOT take mood issues lightly! Take it from a person with bipolar disorder - you can only hide a mood disorder for *so* long.

 

[Icu4dzs]

This stuff is WAY more important than how you feel. You'll find hundreds of men that are funny, exciting, charming, you can talk to endlessly, etc. But to find someone you can live with... that's a big deal. Think of it as a job interview where he is applying for the position. Don't get emotional, keep a rational reality-checklist. If you want to have children, look for a man who can be a father first. Finding a lover is easy. Finding a father for your children is not easy.

Wow, Here is some real "meat and potato" advice. Everything this post contains is "RIGHT ON" and comes from (hopefully not too much bad) experience.

Now, with all this, you should be able to make a good, informed decision...and we all wish you the best in your future. Don't forget what I said about sociopathic personality. They are really charming, agreeable, witty, romantic and all the stuff girls want to hear. That is where it ends. It isn't what they say...it IS what they DO and only what they do that should count the most...

By the way looking through the drawers and closets is really a test for both of you...will she do it and what will she find? O boy

By the way, what you get FIRST is the best it is ever going to be. It can go downhill a long way and in a hurry after that so if the beginning has flaws, watch out...it's like falling from a cliff...its not the fall that hurts, but the sudden stop that can really alter your health and dental records.

 

[BeccaOH]

Great post of advice, tortoise. Congratulations on finding Mr. Wonderful. I also have had several first dates like you described, but I'm still looking for the right guy. And I'm a lot older than you.

ohiogoatgirl, I feel your excitement. I did the long distance romance thing for a year between OH and VA. Phone calls and emails just don't cut it, though -- and my sister lived near him and went to church with him. She still doesn't understand why we never got together.

I'm praying you make wise choices, don't rush, and find a way to really get to know him on an everyday kind of level.

 

[Denim Deb]

Tortoise, when my hubby met me, I drove a pickup truck. And I had a compound bow and arrows, a softball bat, glove and ball, and fishing equipment in it-all behind the seat. That's what impressed my husband!

 

[tortoise]

Tortoise, when my hubby met me, I drove a pickup truck. And I had a compound bow and arrows, a softball bat, glove and ball, and fishing equipment in it-all behind the seat. That's what impressed my husband!

Love it!

It took me a long time to learn that men like to see indepence and passion for ... something.

I started out trying to get people to like me by being agreeable and bending myself, trying to be whatever I thought they would want. FAIL